You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

Love Me or Hate Me

Stars make me happier than you ever will. And it's hard to fight yourself when both sides are losing.And suddenly, you were my universe.When your heart is broken by another, it's the universe's way of preparing you for someone better.I hope one day they come back to haunt you; your memories, that is. I hope they invade your dreams so that you turn restless, as I have done for you. I hope they interrupt you when you're supposed to be writing that essay. I hope it ruins that outing with your friends when you realize my absence. Better yet, I hope every time it rains you think of me, and how I am probably curled up drinking a cup of coffee and writing about someone who is not you. Because this is it- this is the last time I'll write about you, about the past we never had but can't seem to escape. I am done, but I hope you get stuck in these painful memories and I hope you run into something as you're living your life because you're too busy turned around looking at me in the recesses of your mind to see what's right in front of you. I hope you run right into it and pass it by because you are too haunted by my ghost to stare straight ahead.How do you look the person you love in the eyes and tell them that they're not the one for you?I thought I was fine. I thought it didn't bother me anymore. I thought I was over everything. I thought it wouldn't hurt anymore. But I was wrong. I saw you and the feelings came rushing back.IT BEEN 4 YEARS AND I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOUR CALL.I think I'm falling for you again, harder than ever.As I am, baby won't you take me as I am?I am 99.9% sure he doesn't like me. But it's that 0.1% that keeps me going.To say you are missing from me, would be an understatement. You are both, what lies between what I know I need and what I couldn't do without. My heart and mind just can't seem to align, like the constellations of stars that make up your eyes and surround the universe that is determined to scream your name until I listen. All I know is this - on my worst days... I miss you in French. Tu Me Manques... He called me pretty the other day to my face. I miss being in love with someone. I miss being heartbroken. I miss having something to write about.You meet someone one day, and the next day they're your addiction.Don't you worry, you'll find her waiting for you. Lol it's me though.She's the queen of mistakes, the princess of disaster. There's nothing she's better at than ruining happily ever after...Me...Im strong for most of the day. I keep myself busy so I don't have time to think of him. And I think man I'm having a good day today but then there it is. That tiny moment of weakness where I let the memories flood in and I break and the tears fall down. I don't want to bother anyone with it anymore because there's only so much someone can say and I don't wanna annoy them. But the crying is getting less and less. I went from feeling like I'm dying and crying for 3 hours straight multiple times a day to maybe crying one time for 5 or 10 minutes and feeling pretty good most of the day. I know I am making progress but I can't wait for the day where I feel nothing at all and I am free.I thought having my unrequited love finally returned would be a miracle. However, it was just painful because the reasons I fell for you and every single memory with you that I cherished, meant absolutely nothing to you at the time.I would like to surprise you, I would like to be able to show you what I feel about you, I would like to hold you tight, I would like to be enough for you and for us.I'm finally in the tragic position where I am completely alone, it's of my own doing, but it still kills me.I miss you. I am fine one moment and then I see something that reminds me of you and I start to miss you all over again, and it hurts just as much as it did the moment you left. I miss you and I don't now what to do about it anymore.It isn't the bad memories that make you sad, it's the best ones you can't bring back.I used to talk about you all the time.

But not anymore.
Now when I hear your name or when someone mentions you- I cringe. My eyes go blank and my body goes numb. You'd think that all the hurt in the world was forced into my body. My heart becomes melancholic and shuts down. It'll skip a few beats. All of which, within a blink of an eye. I'll smile so widely and hoping they'd change the subject.

//There are still days where I'd be staring out of the classroom door hoping you'd pass by. My eyes go inky black and it hits me in full force. I didn't just like you. I loved you. Do I still love you? I don't know it's been awhile since you've passed by. And I'll never see you pass by again will I? Never....

  You were blinded by the thought of no one ever being able to love you. But I loved you; you never saw that though. I loved you more than anything in this godforsaken world, and I still do.Just remember all the things I said about you is true and always will be..