You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

Alone

During this month I've come to realize I actually really don't have friends. So now nobody sits with me at lunch so now I'm allowed to eat in the library bc I don't want people watching me fucking cry. Stuff like this makes me feel like nobody cares about me. This is what I'm talking about.Maybe sometimes the universe hates me. Like ya'll say you care.......But does anyone actually ever care as much as they say they do? When I go to high school they'll probably never talk to me again will they. Eyes filled with tears, and you can't cry because there are others around you. But i can't count how many times I've cried in school this month. I kinda like being alone when I'm at home but at school? No.  I realized that's not good. Because at the end of the day, loneliness is the worst kind of sad. I've learned to accept the fact that I'll end up alone in the future. I'm difficult, hard to love. Like if you actually cared like talk to me. I'm legit ready to fucking jump off a fucking bridge i hate everything. You see me sitting alone and upset. Like are other ppl that heartless. Like okay. That proves people don't care about me. Am I that bad? I've never been mean to the people who left me. I've been nothing but nice. And the table next to me is cole with his girlfriend. I love his girlfriend she's my friend too but they like hug and like idk its hard for me to look. Every time I see a couple holding hands or even just plainly sitting together I look away. It's not that I don't like seeing lovers, but because it reminds me of a question that nobody can answer. Where's mine? Humans fade away if they are always alone. No wonder I'm like this.Please don't leave me alone. I hate that it comes down to ignoring me and leaving me to sit alone. 

First off, it's embarrassing af, second, it's fucking rude like you know I'm having a hard time. Third, how do you think that makes me feel? You see me too. I don't even know why. People really hate me.

Like I went home crying. People actually don't care. They really really don't. Like at least the room will be like quieter now who gives a fuck. 

Every choice I make lately feels wrong. I can't put in to words how badly I just want to be on my own and do well. And make everyone who doubted me stare in awe and go, "God damn." I wish I can give up. At this point, people wont even notice I'm gone. Why do you leave me like that? Why do you pretend to care? I saw this coming anyways. I'm really not surprised. 

This is one of the reasons I hate myself. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. Like what did I do? Or do you just not like me. Do I annoy you too? I annoy myself. I never say anything about them leaving me alone. I don't think they know it bothers me. We had a field trip yesterday and in the morning i asked my friend to sit with me on the bus and she said yes but when we were going to the buses she had her arm around another girl and I asked if she was gonna sit with me but she was sitting with that girl. See what I mean? I'm a depressed, ugly whore that people only put up with because they feel bad for me. I get jealous to easy and I care way to much. I waste everyone's time I just wish I could be not awkward or sad I wish I was liked. I'm sorry... And maybe I'm sick of being lonely. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I'm tired of tossing and turning and wishing for something else, wishing for someday. I'm damn sick of this life, of the tears that fall like a thunderstorm and the sleep that never comes.  

When I was sitting there at lunch I was just like "So this is what it's like to feel completely alone....." Like I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry for being here. I'm sorry for everything that I've done. I don't even know what I did. I were always lonely and I will be lonely until I die which is hopefully very soon. And I want to do what I want but I don't want to loose everyone else. I don't see why I need to listen. It's basically a threat. "Oh you do this I'll never talk to you again" Okay? Like if you think about you're threatening me. Just whatever. Like if you say that to me you're obviously not a good friend if you'd actually leave me. 

I vowed to myself 2016 would be the best year of my life. And it's actually probably starting off as the worst. Like I noticed that when I just got my phone back for like 4 days they were nicer to me. I hate how now in society everybody like expects everyone to have a phone. Like you don't know the situations that I've been in with it. Like teachers will be like "just text a friend and get the homework from them" "before you go to the bathroom put your phone in that box" And for gifts I'll get like itunes gift cards and stuff. And like people will like ask me to screenshot stuff and I'm like I can't. I'm legit almost 14 and I won't have a phone. Like is that not embarrassing? People are mean to me because of it. I was so happy when they gave me it. Basically I ruined it for being a fuck up and stupid. I hate the world. People expect you to be this type of person. What do you want me to be? Like I'm not gonna change myself for society. I hate being me but I don't wanna be somebody I'm not. 

I'm just alone. And I hate it.