You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

I can't show my emotions, so I write them

  I swore I wouldn't let a person define my happiness, but fuck..  Fuck, I already know you won't love me back.No matter where I go, no matter who I talk to, the presence of you doesn't seem to leave my heart. You have a special place in it that no one else can take.You were never my favorite city but you were home.I've wanted a lot of things in life. To be happy, to fall in love. To be with that person that means the most to me, even in the worst of times. And for a long time, that person was you. I wanted a future with you. A house we bought together and turned into a home. Children that looked just like us only with your heart and my soul. I wanted everything with you. But it's crazy how things change. All I want now, is to yell at you. I want to slap you across the face. I want to be angry and hurt you the way you did me because I want to stop hurting at the sound of your name. I want to stop aching at the sound of your voice. I want to stop constantly checking my phone for a message that I know will never come. I want to erase you from my life just as easily as you erased me. I want to hate you. God I want to hate you so much. With every fiber of my being I want to be able to not give a shit about you... But I can't. I just can't do it. I can't hate someone I've loved for so long. I can't say that I don't care when you're the one constant in my mind. God sometimes I wish I could hate you. But life isn't fair, and we don't always get what we want. vodka tastes better than the memory of you. and I fucking hate vodka.I'm afraid to write about you. Because through words I have deeply surrender my feelings to someone. And through words, I lay how I truly adore a beautiful person like you.He doesn't even know I exist," she sighs."I know that means that I don't love him, that it's really the idea and the mystery he carries, but I think that maybe someday I could really fall in love.""It's not love, it's infatuation, and I know that, but I can't help but dream at least a little. It's human nature.  But oh it is..I'm always tired, but never of you.Loving someone who doesn't love you back is probably the most fucked up thing that can ever happen to you. A pretty face doesn't mean a pretty heart.I wonder how I would've ended up if you hadn't walked into my life. But darling, you help everyone. Well...Everyone but yourself.Don't bother apologizing if you're just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for.Nothing kills you like your mind.Maybe I'm just too fucking complicated for anyone to love.Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die okay? But there's much to be done. Oh and i'm sorry if my writing annoys you. Just saying what I don't like saying to peoples faces. I don't even want to be happy at this point. My thoughts are slowly destroying me. Keep going. No matter what you do, no matter how many times you screw up and think to yourself "There's no point to carry on", no matter how many people tell you that you can't do it, keep going. Don't quit, because a month from now you will be that much closer to your goal than you are now. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Make today count. I hate you for what you did to me, but saying I don't miss you would be a lie. And i'm screaming at the top of my lungs but no one heard a thing.i don't know who i am anymore.I'm not complicated, you just don't understand me. nobody does. I can't show my emotions, so I write them.The emptiness I feel inside doesn't really surprise me anymore. oh and people who ignore me and ditch me, I'm used to it. They do it like each day so who cares anymore right? Not me. Well, I do but they won't stop bc they clearly don't care so whatever.I don't write these things to tell tall tales. Depression and mental health are anything but Fairy tales.  My depression never goes away, somedays I'm just better at hiding it.The heart is a very complicated organ. Even after the existence of 7 billion people, it's only you that can affect it.I hate how common is your name.I hear it everyday. Just when your heart skips a beat feeling someone special smile, you know it's love. And that kind of love is to be treasured forever.Saying 'I'm fine' with fingers-crossed behind. But darling, In the end you've got to be your own hero, Because everyone else is too busy trying to save themselves.You are my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. Oh and yes I don't drink it straight, obviously I mix it with good things. Like idk gatorade, soda, it makes it all better too...I won't do it again...?I was born to fail with success in my view.I'm over it. I'm sorry I'm not an easy person to be with.Its 4am, you're probably sleeping and I'm sitting here crying over a bunch of ifs we never got to live out. And i'm talking to you and you don't even know it and never will. Why should I even try? Ugh i cant get you out of my head. My problem is that no one needs me as much as I need them.  No matter how hard i try, you just don't recognize how hard i try for you.I am disgusting I don't deserve to live. Do they even care? Most likely not. Why would they care about a waste of space? They just wouldn't. I don't want to be cared about anyway. I just want to be left alone where I can be in peace. And you're so beautiful but i'm just here and I'm me. I hate me. And I hate being called that bc i feel like your lying. Even if i am pretty theres girl way prettier and i know you admit it. I hate that. I hate when people do that. I'm sorry. I'll make sure not to look ugly.