You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

Things I Love, Things I Hate

  I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I am sooooo fucked I think. I'm not totally positive yet. It isn't about being skinny. It's about being happy, and to be happy I have to be skinny first. But fuck that now. I just need a break from life. I just want this to be over. Like one thing I did is going to lead me to this mistake for the rest of my life. At this point, I don't want to fight anymore. I can't pretend I'm strong any longer. Right now, all I want is to die.

 Today in class my friend said she's sure nobody at the table has depression and I was like oh babe you're so wrong.... 

 I just don't feel good in my own skin anymore. 

You're saving me,

So I want to save you.
This world is hard,
Boy I know.
You hate the body you were given.
And you hate how others see it.
But I hope you know you're important.
I hope you know you're amazing.
You're so kind and helpful.
You manage to make me talk on the days I feel as though someone is holding my vocal cords shut.
You make me laugh on the days it feels as if they will never end.
You make me smile when it feels as if depression has sewn my lips shut.
And I hope
I hope, that I can do the same for you.
I hope that I can bring colour back to your paint palette.
I hope that I can help the smile be genuine.
I hope that I can be the friend you need.
I hope that I can save you.  

Luke :-) 

It's been one year since i skipped school and my papers got stolen. I've been writing to Luke for over a year now. It reminds me of the quote from the Notebook "I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year." 

Somebody asked me about a mark on my arm today and i wanted to cry. 

I talked about the Cop thing with Cole today. I kept it together. 

At least i get to spend my last time being in school with him in his class everyday. I mean, yeah.

I legit have the worst self esteem right now. Lmao think im fat af now oh shit wow. 

Here's to everyone who wanted me to get fucked up. Here's to everyone who calls me names, who wants me to get hurt, who wants bad things to happen to me. Happy now?

  Unloved-
D0 you ever sit down
And come to the realization
That no one loves you? Or rather, some people love you
Family, friends, followers, maybe even one or two exes
They all love you to pieces
But no one is in love with you
No one sits up at not quite 3 am
Writing poems titled Just The Same As I Am
With their head filled with every little detail about you
No one thinks of you 24/7
No one cries over you
No one wants to see you and only you
You're top priority for no one
No one needs you in their arms right this second
No one texts first
No one cancels plans to hang out with you
No one goes out of their way for you
They just issue apology after apology
No one is in love with you
No one obsesses over the very idea of your existence
No one thinks of you to calm down their panic attacks
No one thinks of you when they need their happy place
And the worst part is
No one ever will...

I'm sick. I am a sick little girl. 

  The first time I was emotionally abused the attacker was a teacher, and the school told me to toughen up. The first time I cut myself my psychiatrist grabbed my wrist, telling me it didn't look so bad. The first time I tried to kill myself, the nurses working with me told me it was my fault. I was 10 years old and I'd already been taught I didn't deserve care. Don't neglect mental health survivors and beat them down, you have no idea what we've suffered.  

Like oh darling I've seen it all, I've been through it all. And i love how you guys aren't afraid to talk to me. Trust me, I know. I know it all............ nothing scares me anymore. 

Like my friend told me I'd be in a bad situation over something and I said "nothing I haven't seen before." And once they said no you'll get your heart broken "like that's new" for real though.

  I'm a suicidal kid telling other suicidal kids that suicide is not the answer. 

AND IT'S SO ANNOYING HOW PEOPLE CAN BE SO NICE BUT IGNORE YOU OR SAY SHIT ABOUT YOU! LIKE YOU WONDER WHY I'M LIKE WHATEVER.

"No you'll die" "Whatever" "you'll get hurt" "good..." "idc" 

I hate laying in bed with my hands together looking at my grandpa's and uncle's urns and looking at their pictures asking for them to take me. Like to my uncle, I never met you but i love you. I'm sorry such an awful person carries your name. You were so amazing. 

Like is it wrong my fave songs are so depressing? I have them on repeat?

My Immortal- Evanescence 

How to Save a Life- The Fray

Listen to your Heart- DHT

Because Of You- Kelly Clarkson (currently playing)

You Found Me- The Fray

Like go listen to them or something. 

I hate crying myself to sleep. 

I'm sorry to whoever loves me.

To whoever will love me.

Whoever the love of my life is, find someone else, she'll be better...

To my friends, well thanks for staying with me so long.

To my family, Like you loved me anyways.

To you, thank you.

To my children, i'm sorry i couldn't bring you into this world. Maybe i did. who knows.  

Lol I said that, keep that as a note.

To the boy that tried to fuck me up, You did it, fuck you. 

To you who broke my heart for no reason now. Look what you did to me. Look what you fucking did. Happy with yourself? 

I don't want to have all this guilt. Like im sorry baby but idk :-( 

Like what am I going to do? Who do I tell that wont judge me. Like who will help me? 

Nobody.