You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

Chapter 12

(1/13/16) *i really dont obsess over 1D now so u can skip this chapter*

10-24-14

It's the worse day of my life. One Direction's Steal My Girl video came out today and i was in school and also the pre sale tickets went on sale at 10:00am  and i started crying over that in 3rd period when i have music,

then when i got to 4th where i sit next to cole sorta i started bawling once again and he was just looking at me and smiling and making a weird confused face. Then it turned 11:00 am and thats when Steal My Girl came out so i missed that.

Then during lunch all hell broke loose. 

I started off just looking at my picture on my binder of 1D. Just thinking "I'm so worthless" and then i started SOBBING. SOBBING. SOBBING...... 

My makeup started running down my face, the whole front of the lunch room was staring at me. And everyone was being dared to go hug me. Then my friend buys me a milk which was really sweet so i drank it. And i had to leave and cry in the bathroom and wash my face and then a annoying fat ugly teacher came in and yelled at me. 

Then i went back to the lunch table. Lucy and I are the only girls there. we sit with 5 boys....... they're our besties....  they all dont care what we do and all.  They're so nice. And funny. They all tried to cheer me up but nothing can at this point. I haven't been able to think of anything else but 1D all day.

When I was crying Cole kept looking at me and walked past me 4 times. He was clearly trying to see what was wrong which i thought was sorta nice but i called him a man whore and said "Stop fucking looking at me. you should go fuck yourself i hate you" i think he was able to read my lips. I wonder what he was thinking. When i cried in math he said "I always get sad" or something like that. 

Why does he always get sad?? or did he say "She's always getting sad" probably that. 

Then when we were leaving the lunch room a total slut threw something at my back and said "what the fuck are you wearing" like 3 times to me. so i literally just left and went to the bathroom in the back of the school, went in the last stall, put toilet paper on the seats so i could sit took out my 1D magazine i keep with me at all times and read it. I cried and cried. Yes i skipped class but it was my least favorite class anyways but of course i missed naked nuns or something on google images.....

But once the bell rang i went to social studies and the first thing i did was go on youtube and put on Steal My Girl and I felt safe again.

I feel so safe with 1D. and i feel like thats being taken away from me. 

I remember when we "didn't" get Where We Are tour tickets my mom said to me "Don't worry baby girl, mommy will get you those tickets i promise you so stay strong okay?" And i replayed that in my mind all day. 

Did that apply to this new tour? 

She said im never going to a concert again. JUST CUZ SHE GOT DRUNK THERE! I WANNA GO DIE SO FREAKING BAD. IT'S LIKE IM DONE. REALLY. EVER SINCE MY WWA CONCERT I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. IM NEVER GETTING A PHONE AND IM NEVER GETTING A PERFECT NIGHT. NEVER. I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.

I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH COLE AND HEARTBREAK. I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH BULLIES. I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE! I WANT GOD TO TAKE ME SO BAD! IF THERE EVEN IS A GOD! 

Whenever its 11:11 I make a wish. Last night at 11:11 pm i wanted to wish for concert tickets but right when i said it i got to this "I w-" it turned 11:12. Theres no point of trying. im not going. My mom always breaks her promises. 

Like when my grandpa died i asked "is he okay?" "Yeah, he'll be just fine." 

HE WAS DEAD YOU LIAR! 

YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER YOU CLEARLY DONT CARE ABOUT IS GONNA BE DEAD TOO. I HOPE SHE'LL BE UPSET OVER THAT.

IM NOT EVEN TRYING TO GET ATTENTION. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! REALLY! 

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I REALLY THINK IM JUST SO WORTHLESS AND AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, NOBODY AND I MEAN NOBODY CAN MAKE ME FEEL WORTH IT AGAIN.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO RELIVE THE CONCERT BECAUSE I CANT FIND THE WHOLE CONCERT ON YOUTUBE EVER AGAIN. 

WHENEVER I HEAR "WHERE WE ARE" I HEAR MY MOM IN MY HEAD SAYING "IM NOT GETTING IN THE CAR WITH THAT BITCH" AS SHE WAS DRUNK JUST AFTER WE FOUND HER IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARKING LOT OF METLIFE STADIUM.

Im sorry im just upset. 

I know some people would kill to see One Direction but i'd take a bullet to the head 5 times just to get there. 

I'd die to save their lives.

I care about them more than my family and myself. 

No joke. 

They're my everything. 

I wish i can tell them before I die. 

I really wish i didnt have to go through so much pain right now. 

Sometimes i wish there was no such thing as 1D but i know thats not true. 

What's true is that im worthless and totally not prettty enough for him..............

Im not pretty enough for anyone. 

I love them with all my heart really but i just wanna die listening to them like i almost did last time. Will they save me again or will i go with it?

I want to live but yet i wanna die.

i wish i wasnt so negative about everything. 

I wish 1D followed me, hugged me and kissed me then thats it...

I've had my first kiss ith Cole and i dont need to re cap that.

I have nice memories but know what? 

I know i love only one thing... One direcction