You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

To my Future Love....

To her future love,

When she says she's tired, sometimes she means that she's just tired of life; other times she means her eyes are closing but her brain won't quiet long enough to sleep. Either way, take her to bed, put her in some comfy clothes, and hold her until she falls asleep. Rub her head and talk to her when she has a nightmare so she won't wake up crying. You won't hear a thank you, but the sigh of relief she makes in her sleep will make your heart flutter.

If you come home and she's in the bathtub, wearing yesterday's clothes and crying her makeup off, don't let her apologize to you. She's having a bad day and if she gets out the initial "I'm sorry" her eyes will stream "I'm worthless" for hours after. Just pick her up, hug her, and tell her you love her like it's the last thing that you'll say to her. It's not the glue that holds her together but it lets her know you love her even at her worst. I promise, it's so worth it just to be with her.

When she gets excited about something, she'll want to fill every silence with it, but she'll stop herself because at one point someone told her that nobody cared; she carries that burden with her still. Let her whole body fill with excitement until her eyes shine and her smile lights up the room, and just before she looks away, tell her you want to listen. If you thought she was beautiful before, oh god your knees will go weak.

She sleeps naked and by naked I mean stripped down to underwear and raw emotion. By naked I mean not perfect but utterly breathtaking, and trying to cover herself up because she doesn't believe any of the compliments you'll give her. And by naked I mean unapologetically honest but still guarded and terrified that she'll make a home in your heart that one day it will stop beating for her. Don't let her go to bed without telling her she's everything and proving it by making her face glow and her legs shake.

She is full of so much life and light, and the only way you'll get to know is by being there: listening, watching, singing along to songs you barely know and driving so far the radio turns to static.

Fall in love with her completely and fully. Fall in love with her smile, her choices, her imagination. Fall in love with her body and what she's done within it but also what she's done with it. Love her forgiveness, and how she's taken thousands of steps since she said she couldn't take one more. Love her ribcage for protecting her big heart that has ached and hurt but can't be broken. Love all of her. It won't be hard; she's irresistible. She'll be an angel in your life, but you have to create a heaven for her too. Angels don't live in hell.

I like dreaming. But this time dreaming is not enough. I want it to be real. I want to finally feel it. I want you. And not only in my dreams.

The fact that I have to give up on you hurts even more, because the only reason I'm giving up on YOU, is because you gave up on ME a long time ago.

to my future lover,

i am a nervous person. it will take me a while to warm up to you, publicly and privately. this doesnt mean that i am not thinking of your lips, that i dont have 'i love you's hidden behind my tongue, that my hands dont twitch when they want to be holding yours.

i am an insecure person. i will need frequent assurance that you love me, even if i dont say as much. but do not lie to me. dont say that you love me if you dont.

i am a fragile person. i cry easily, at anything and everything. i cry when im angry. i cry when im scared. i cry when im sad. i cry when im happy. dont take this as a sign of weakness. i just care too much for my own good.

i am a clingy person. i will send you cheesy love quotes and pictures. i will tell you i love you 3 times in 5 minutes. you will be the first thought in my mind when i wake up and the last before i go to sleep. i will send you good morning and goodnight texts. i will write you heartfelt letters, most of which i wont even send. i will send you 20 messages when i miss you. if you want me to stop at any time, tell me.