Right Now **EDITING**

Happy New Year's

Virginie's Point Of View

December 31st

I'm waiting for the New Year's Rocking Eve to start.  I'm watching only because the boys recorded it when they were in LA last month.  Even though Harry and I aren't together anymore, because of him I made good friends out the the lads and they mean a lot to me.  I still want to support them as much as I can.  I still love their music.  It's the premiere of Taylor's new music for Out Of The Woods and I'm very excited to see it.  I fell in love with her all over again after I watched her show on Apple Music.

I'm sitting in my room like I did for the last ten days and even though I promise myself not to go online and just write on my laptop, I still wander around to check my emails.  The worst is my phone.  With Twitter always buzzing to notify when something happens.

Tonight, something got trending so fast that my phone had to notify me.  I know I shouldn't have looked, but curiosity always wins with me.

Seeing Harry with Kendall was a pain as it simply is, but seeing those pictures of them together is shattering my heart in billions of pieces. How can he have moved on so quickly? 

What about our 'I love you's?  And all the promises we made to each other.  He broke them all by 'setting me free', but I realise now that he was setting himself free.  Maybe that's the meaning of his new eagle tattoo.  Freedom.

What about the letters he wrote me?  Were his words ever true at all?  Why bothering to introduce me to his family?  I don't get it...  

 It feels... I don't know how it feels, I have never loved someone that deeply before in my life. And I've clearly never been this broken before either. I don't get it, I just don't. 

He cries to me that being apart will be too hard and then he kisses a girl that lives even farther away. It said in a magazine that a source confirmed Harry thought she was hot and wanted to spend more time together. And he said that his plan for New Year's was perfect, so he was looking forward to spending 2016 with her. 

I'm done, trying to fight for something that doesn't exist. That clearly never existed. And that's the most heartbreaking part, it's the realisation that you can no longer live in the dream, reality just slapped you in the face. And it hurts like a bitch. I'm not crazy, these feelings were real, being with him was real, his love for me was real, as real as the pendant around my neck.

I'm done trying to hang on to him. I'm done. If I repeat it enough maybe one day I'll believe it as strongly as I know how much Harry Styles broke my heart.

I don't want to talk to him again, I don't want to see him. In fact, everything reminding me of him, I will put in a box tomorrow morning and hide it under my bed.

When my heart is shattered by Harry, there is one thing I like to do, drowning my sorrows with Taylor Swift.  That's what I'll do.

What have I ever done to him to deserve that?! And I can't talk about it to anyone here. Now that it's over, I don't want to tell anyone that I just got played big time. I was very aware of our day to day relationship, he was the one making me dream about a future together. He was the one wanting us to make some plans. He even made a comment when I got the tattoo about having a child together in the future. Now it's all gone, but I still got the pain in my heart and the ink on my skin. I should have known better than to act on spontaneity. It was stupid from me.

I run in the bathroom and I literally spend an hour brushing my tattoo under the burning hot water and lots of soap. But it never comes off, it's inked, it's there, it's permanent on my skin forever. I hide it instinctively with a watch. I will never let my parents know about it nor see it. For now, all they know is that I dated Harry Styles for three months and we don't anymore. That's it and no one else gets to know about it or discuss it.

It was heartbreaking when he left me, saying it will be too hard and he doesn't want to keep me from fully living my life. Now, he is on a yacht with half of Beverly Hills partying and kissing with Kendall Jenner, like I never happened, like I was nothing. She probably doesn't even know I exist.

I need my friends so bad right now. I would call Matt or Cindy, but I'm not sure it could help me in any way and they would only feel bad for nothing. Plus, I don't want to let Matt know that Harry left me, let alone that he is now with another girl.  I didn't even talk to Heidi about him and I never will, he doesn't deserve it. 

I'm left with Liam, so kind Liam that was always there for me like I was for him. He would understand, more than anyone I think. I hope he isn't part of the dream and that he is very real. If I don't have him, then I have literally nobody.

I don't care how much it's going to cost me to call over seas, but I search in my old phone for his number and shut it down as Harry is my lock screen and phone background.  It's so painful.  I take the cell phone I used to have before I left and call him.  It's very early in the morning in London right now.  And with all the New Year's celebrations he must just had gotten to bed.

It rings and then goes to voicemail.

"Hey Liam, it's Gynie!  I really need to talk to you.  I hope we are still friends, with everything that happened between me and Harry.  I miss you so much.  I just need to know it wasn't a dream.  I'm so sorry to have disturbed you.  Call me back to this number, my other phone seems to have been disconnected since I came back."  I sob in the phone.  I hope he can hear me well and that I don't sound too crazy.   "Happy New Year!" 

I hang up the phone and wipe the tears under my eyes.  

"10!"

"9!"

My Mom comes to my bedroom.

"8!"

"7!"

She takes my hand to bring me to the living room.

"6!"

"5!"

The countdown has already begun as she sits me between her and my Dad.

"4! 3! 2! 1! Happy New Year!"

They both kiss my cheeks and hold me tight.

"It can only be better in 2016!"  Mom tries to cheer me up.

I sure hope so!  Because it sure can't get any worst...