How it Works

Too Loud

So this other day, I was sitting with my family and we were talking about random stuff. Books, movies, school, etc.

We were talking about this particular movie that I really wanted to watch as soon as it gets out, and I was discussing it with my cousin.

Here's the thing about me, I'm a loud person. So imagine how loud my voice gets when I'm excited.

Of course, my sister ruins the mood for me when she told me to lower my voice. She said, and I quote, "I can hear your voice from upstairs, it's too loud."

Surprise surprise, it wasn't the first time I've heard it from her or from others.

They always tell me to lower my voice because it's "un-lady like" and "plain annoying".

And I hate it when they tell me that, all the fucking time!

I have a loud voice, so what!? People can hear everything I say, so what!? I don't care!

I never fucking cared if people heard me or not.

It feels like they want to change me, because they don't like me that way. And it's coming from my own family, seriously?

I thought they'd accept me the way that I am with all of my faults and quirks. That's what family is all about, right? But no.

They want to change me to a better version. A kind of person that wouldn't embarrass them with their loud voice.

And they don't even understand how much it hurts. It really pains me to hear them say that; that they're actually embarrassed of me. So they try to change me.

I get so angry, to the point that I just hate them and wish they weren't my family to begin with. It might sound a little bit dramatic, but I'm just done.

Finally, after all these years of bullying and torture and the damn insecurities, I actually like who I am. Now they're beating me down for the flaws I had developed ever since.

Why can't they just accept me the same way I accept them?

One time, they kept telling me to lower my voice and not to get overly excited. We weren't even in a public place! But they still kept on pressuring me to change that part of me.

They said that my voice might as well make their ears bleed, that I should just stop talking. I couldn't take it anymore, all of the pent up anger just exploded and I started yelling at them.

I yelled and I told them to stop fucking tell me what to do and who to become. I was over with that bullshit, I don't need it again. Certainly not from my family.

Then I stormed out of the room with so much rage still building up within me.

I don't usually like to talk about this kind of stuff. I don't have someone to talk to about these types of problems, and I also don't want to worry people or to receive their pity.

Better if I wrote it down.

I do keep a lot of shit to myself, and I know it's unhealthy. But really, who would actually have the time to listen to me spilling my problems onto them and truly care about what happens to me in the aftermath?

If my friends and family have issues with me being me, who am I going to turn to?

Possibly ice cream. Ice cream always helps.

...........

Anyways.

Read ya later!