How it Works

My Back, Their Canvas

I don't particularly perceive myself as an idiotic human being. I'm smart.

I admit, I have been really stupid for two-thirds of my life, but then I grew to be smart because the realization of it slapped me in the face.

Literally, one day I was sitting by myself and thought for hours about what I've done throughout my short time in life. That's when it dawned to me that I had been a dumbass and I seriously needed to develop a brain.

Of course, I went through a lot of shit to become aware of things. My brain didn't all of a sudden begin working, it doesn't work that way.

After that turning point in my life, I became smart.

I'm not talking about academically (I had no trouble with that...i'm a huge nerd I know), I meant by life-wise. I was such an airhead in that department.

It's probably why I became so guarded and had these billion-foot tall walls surrounding me.

All of the people in my life ask me why i'm so guarded. So here's your answer:

People hurt people. The people closest to you hurt you the most. It's what I know. It's what I've experienced.

I have trust issues because of that. These people are part of the reason why I am who I am.

So I built these walls, to keep everyone out. Even the really really important people in my life.

I thought I learned from my mistakes, that I wouldn't do it again.

But I fucking did.

There was this girl, I was very close with. She was one of my best friends, and I don't call anyone that so you guys would know that she really was.

It took a lot of time for me to trust her, years to be precise. Eventually, I did. I told her some things about me, things not a lot of people know about. And i trusted her to stay quiet about them.

She did. For a while.

There were several times where some of my friends would ask personal questions about me and I would just shrug it off, because you know, trust issues. Then this so called best friend kept teasing me and basically told them the shit I told her to keep private.

What the fuck?

Every time it happened, I was completely caught off guard and I'd fade out. It fucking pissed me off, more than anything.

Then it would hurt, because now a lot of people know things about me they shouldn't know about. You can't take it back. They already know, now.

I'm not being dramatic. These things are really fucking personal and serious, then she oh-so casually spewed them out? Not once, not twice, not thrice, but many times?

I reached a point where I had enough. I blocked her out completely from anything that concerns my private life.

Then there was the issue of trusting anyone again, cuz she obviously didn't help my case.

I probably will never trust her again. I mean yeah we still talk (occasionally), but it's not the same.

It pisses me off; I thought i learned from my past experiences. I thought i was getting smarter at this. But there will always be that one person you really trust who will fucking grab a knife and carve your back with it.

Probably writing the secrets i told her on my back for the people who haven't heard of them yet. My back is her canvas, after all.

God, I'm literally laughing right now. I really thought i was over this bullshit.

I guess we'll always be stupid about it no matter how many times we go through it.

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Shit, that was a long ass rant...

Sorry, but I needed to vent out.

I'm done with this crap, and i hope people out there with similar problems will be too.

Read ya guys later!