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Fuck the Plan (Using Protection)

It's 4 A.M. and I'm lying in my bed, eating chocolate while writing this....

I just realized that not only did I have a boring life, but also the fact that it is a sad one.

I haven't had much to do these past few days, so it got me thinking.

Specifically, about my crush.

I haven't seen nor talked to them in a long time since I've been busy with exams. Now that I was done with exams, I have the opportunity to start up a conversation, right?

Wrong.

They were too busy having the time of their life traveling to other countries with family and friends.

So you're wondering why is she eating chocolate at 4 in the morning, writing about her lame crush on her friend?

In a previous entry, I might've wrote that I'm not going to engage in anything with my crush cuz I was pretty sure they didn't like me back and also the fact that I don't want to be in a relationship.

But....

I've been thinking about them a lot. I really do like them, and I haven't liked someone in a long time. So it scares the hell outta me.

I don't want to get attached because I am leaving for college soon, and I probably won't see them as much (maybe not at all).

So this is the part where my heart kinda takes over and tells me fuck the future, live in the moment. Which is really cheesy, but so very true.

I'm a planner; I plan things before doing something. That's who I am.

So to develop feelings all of a sudden for a person who's my friend is definitely not part of the plan.

But I'm over it honestly; I'm not going to succumb to fear like I used to.

Fuck the plan. (In a way that will not result in the reproduction of other plans or certain consequences that would lead to my demise.)

I was lying about being sure that they didn't like me back. I haven't even tried to know.

I'm leaving soon, and the possibility of them liking me back is highly unlikely; but I don't care.

I will not leave until I've at least tried.

So maybe I will chicken out the first couple of tries or so.....

Cough. Cough.

There's no point in playing hard to get or leaving shitty hints so they would notice me. I have to take the initiative, or at least put in the effort of getting to know them better.

Screw the stereotypes. I don't care if I'm a girl, I will make the first move.

........

At least I hope I will.

Damn it. I'm such a coward sometimes.

This is hard for me ok? It's not like me to address my feelings for someone in this way. I don't like building a deep connection with a human being; inevitably, someone will get hurt. In most cases, that someone is me.

If you asked me to risk my life for someone or something meaningful, I would do it in a matter of seconds. But risk my heart? Nope. Nada. No way. It's off limits.

I really do like this person, though. But are they really worth the risk?

Yet. . . how would I know if I won't even try?

..........

..........

Crazy shit going on right now. . .

Eh, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Quote of the day: Fuck the plan, but use protection when doing so.

Read ya later!