How it Works

All Over Again

Holy mother of Jesus, this thing reached over 1K reads/views.

How the hell did that happen?!

Do these people find the stuff that I write interesting? Or is it because they're entertained by my bullshitery?

I still won't ever understand the human species.

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I wrote the bolded words above months and months ago, but I didn't know what to write about; well, until this.

I've disappeared for a while, I haven't written anything here in so long.

I'm not gonna lie, I have a lot of stuff to talk about; but I'm scared to write about them. Because if I did, it would become too real.

Lately, my depression has been kicking in again. Not at full throttle, but pretty damn close to it.

I fucking hate the situation I'm in. I fucking hate how it feels. I fucking hate how it makes me feel about myself. I hate everything.

I hate it. I hate myself.

I hate how it makes me question my values, and how it turns me into this aggravating weakling.

I haven't cried in so long, because I learned to deal with my past hardships in a healthier way. But this fucking piece of shit of a circumstance made me cry all over again.

It made me cry, and I couldn't stop crying.

Until I felt.... empty.

Empty and pathetic and numb.

I haven't felt numb in a long time.

Oh, how simple it is to hide behind a mask of happiness, to hide behind a facade.

I get it, some would think "why don't you tell someone about this? Why do you choose to hide?"

Because it is not fucking simple. It's the hardest shit I do every day. I know I don't always fake my happiness, but I do it nonetheless. My depression will always be there; happiness is just a temporary safety blanket.

When I show people how I truly feel, they'll try to "fix me" and find a "cure" for my sadness. They will tell me "everything's going to be okay." Because they can magically foretell the future and make the pain "disappear."

I don't want any drama. I don't want any sympathy. I don't want any "help".

I just want to be alone.

I'm tired.

Chasing something that is never going to happen drains you. Chasing something that goes against your morals breaks you.

And makes you cry.

All over again.