She

Chapter 29

I wake up with my head throbbing and my back aching, I stare at the while ceiling not having the energy to take in the surroundings around me. I don't really remember what happened last night apart from I was in the basement imaging the boys playing, imagining us getting fuck faced and Billie and I sneaking into the home studio for a quicky.

I finally drop my head to the side and see blue laying on the floor.... Shouldn't blue be with Beej. I stand up and take it in my arms, my fingers trace over the BJA and all the emotions of the last week flood back. I look around and see an empty bottle of tequila and Billies stash of cigarettes and are now half empty, I hate myself. I can't believe this, I'm such an idiot for falling back into my old ways, at least I didn't wake up with a stranger beside me.

I crawl up the stairs and into the kitchen, I pour and glass of water and take some pain killer. Wish they could take away the pain of heartache. The familiar red light blinks, I tell myself not to listen but my still half drunk self and my mental fuckery tell me otherwise. The familiar voice rings out and part of me hurts less but at the same time I hurt more.

"I came home the other day, you weren't there. I spend 48 hours with blue and wrote a few songs about you, they are shit but they helped but so did the bottle of fireball you got me for Father's Day last year. I left blue there and I miss him but if your home you know at least a piece of me is with you.  I've got to go back on stage in 5 but I don't want to, there's a girl in the front row that looks like you... I pretend she's you just to get me through the show but it's not you no matter how much I wish she was. I love you Ryan."

He's drunk, he's absolutely off his face. I slam the phone on the counter and run to the sink, I vomit everything up that I have consumed the last day or so which is pretty much only alcohol. It burns and I cry feeling so for myself, it's my fault and know everyone is suffering including me. Why did I do this? I know because I'm a fucking idiot.

What am I meant to do? Sit around and dread the fact that I fucked up big time, I've got nothing else to do. A shower seems good but than again I don't have he energy to stand or move, I'll probably drown in a bath so maybe I should just go back to bed.

I don't even make it to the bed room, I just fall onto the couch and pass out. I guess this is my life, sleep, drink, sleep, vomit, take pain killers and sleep again. Great I feel like I've gone back to when I was a slut but at least than I was having fun.

I barely even sleep, I dose in and out of sleep but that it, I've had enough. I grab my key and a jacket and head for the garage, I might as well go for a drive. I hop in Billies car and just drive, I stop at McDonald's and grab a bite to eat. I cruise down the highway eating fries and listen to Billies car mix tapes he makes. They are adorable.

I drive past Mikes and see his wife and kids playing outside, his daughter has the same name as me which is cute and she is absolutely adorable. I used to baby sit her but now rarely have the time to pop in and say hey. I see so much of Mike in both of his kids, it makes my heart melt.

In seconds their house isn't even in view and it's just a memory, I wish I could stop and say hello but I can't. I love his kids but I just don't want them to see me like this, I don't want them to grow up anything like me. I'm a terrible role model for them, I wouldn't be surprised if Mikes wife forbids me from seeing them.

I'm such a shitty person who is scared of the future and settling down, I have commitment issues and will destroy anything to be distant so I don't get hurt but the irony of that is that I hurt myself more and the people around me. I am an absolute insane human, I reach out for affection and when I get it I lash out.

I've never really thought about what in my life courses me to act the way I do, maybe it's the fact that my parents divorced when I was young because my mum cheated on my dad with a man right in front of me and from than on I never believed that commitment existed. My mum never had a serious relationship, my dad did but I was never around to witness it. I guess  how you were brought up does affect you in the future, we can't turn back time though.

I wish I had a proper friends, not just one of the boys but someone who isn't related to the situation I'm in. All my friends that aren't in Green Day or SWMRS are the guess I used to fuck and there other sluts, well they aren't even friends. I used to like how tight our family was but when there's drama we have to solve it for ourselves or pick sides.  It absolutely sucks. I even had Billie turning against his own son, yeah Joey was a dick but Billie is always his dad.

I pull back into the drive and lock the gate before heading inside, I hear a single voice as soon as I walk through the door.

"Ryan I can't do this without you, I'm coming home."