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Chapter 35

"Ryan.... Love me." I look over at billie sprawled out on the couch, limbs everywhere and begging for attention. He has been very clingy today, I don't know if he's getting sick or is just extra tired but it's super adorable. "Babe." He whines kicking his legs around like a two year old.

"Billie I'm cleaning up, just hang on." I can't help but to laugh at him, I'm trying to tidy the room because last night we had pizza and movie night with the family. I just need it to be a little more tidy before I can relax, my OCD won't let me chill until it's done.

"I'll get Jakob to clean it up, please Ry. I just want cuddles, is that to much to ask?" He pouts his bottom lip and gives me the puppy eyes, he knows I can't resist the puppy eyes. He's just so gorgeous, every time I look at him, the feeling I get words just can't explain. I slowly walk over and his arms wrap around my waist pulling me on top of him. "I love you baby."

"I love you too but your helping me clean up later." I cuddle into his side and we just lay there thinking, it's nice just being able to lay with Billie and it not lead to something more. I love that we can just cuddle for hours but spend forever in each others arm. It's cute moments like this that I remember and makes everything seem worth while.

"Babe, I was thinking last night... about us in the future. You being with me means you may miss out on a lot... Like a lot." Billies voice goes low and sad, I look up at him and his eyes are dark and teary. His hand start to shake on my skin and I know some things up. "When you want kids I might not be able to give them to you, I'll be to old and you may find someone else who is younger and can give you what you want."

He is really self conscious about his age, I honestly feel terrible that this is worrying him so much and I'm glad he being honest but he shouldn't need to get worked up about this, I'm never going to leave him. "I'm never going to leave you, Billie you are my life. Kids mean the world to me but I'll pick you over everything, if we can have kids one day than good but if we can't than it doesn't matter because I have you and we can get a dog or something. Billie you still have the energy and health of someone my age."

"I may not be able to run around and play football with my son or dance around with my baby girl." Tears brim in his eyes and I hold him tight trying to comfort him in anyway possible, his head rests on the nap of my neck as he silently sobs. This is why he's been so needy all day, he's upset and thinking less of himself. "I already thought I lost you once, I can't go through that again."

"Billie you have two beautiful boys, you got to do the dad thing twice but babe I'm not going to leave you, this won't make me leave you. You are perfect to me and I don't want anything else in the world, I'll be here with you forever with a baby or not. You mean the world to me and if a baby shows up in the future than great but if it doesn't that it doesn't matter, I love you and you love me. This right her is all I want in the world." I can't help but to get worked up over this, seeing Billie this upset hurts me so much. He brings himself down so much sometimes but if only he could see how much I love him, if only he could see himself through my eyes for once. I want him know how gorgeous he is.

Jakob walks into the room and sits on the couch not really knowing what to do about the fact his dad is snuggled so far into me you won't even know who it is. He silently asks if his dad is ok and I nod but honestly he isn't. I don't want Jake to worry about it, he's young and it may not make sense but maybe he can show his dad that he doesn't need to worry about this. I love that Billie cares but now I'm thinking that he isn't worried about me wanting a baby and not being able to have it but it's him that wants the baby but can't have it. My stomach drops and now I start to get torn apart, it's my fault because I don't want kids yet.

"Ry? Dad?" Jakob the poor thing, I wipe way Billies tears and his his cheek. Jakob looks confused and worried, he fiddles with his fingers anxiously while Billie and I find the words to explain this to an 18 year old with out scaring him.

"Jake, sometimes when you get older you want things but certain thing don't line up and before you know it it's to late and you miss the opportunity." The words leave Billies lips in less than a whisper, Jake stands up and walks over to us and gives his dad a hug. Jake is sensitive like his dad and I love him for it, he always knows the right thing to do and right know Billie needs his son. "You're my baby boy and it scares me that you're growing up so fast, you'll be moving out on your own and finding yourself and than it'll just be Ryan and I."

"Dad you'll have me no matter where I am, I'll always be around. I can't just get up and leave dad, I'll miss you to much. I love you dad, you know you're my hero."