She

Chapter 40

"Ryan, are you ok?" I hear jakes voice as he pokes his head around the corner and into mine and Billies room. He walks over and sit beside me on the bed, his head rests on my shoulder as we both stare into the distance.

"I just miss your dad." It was true, I did miss Billie but there was also a lot more that went with it. I can't wrap my head around it all, it's all too much.  I look at Jake who has a frown on his face and his eyes glassy. "Are you ok?"

"Do you think I'll ever find someone that loves me like dad loves you?." My heart drops and I take Jakobs hand in mine as he starts the tap his phone against his thigh. His phone lights up with sages name across the screen but he just turn it off and throughs it across the room and let's it land in a pile of laundry. "She cheated."

My heartbreaks, I pull Jakob into my arms and let him cry. It take everything in me not to go after this girl but now I have me be a 'parents' I don't think it's acceptable. "Jakob I can't count how many boyfriend I had before I met your dad, your dad and I are different though Danger and you have to remember that."

"Can you tell me about it Ry?" I've never said the words out loud, I never let it happen. I kept it to myself in my own thought, the feelings from deep down never rose to the surface. It scares me.

"Danger, words can't describe the passion and love I have have for this family. I was brought up very differently from you guys, I came from a broken home, my dad neglected me and my mum abused me so when I heard about your stable like family I envied it. I met your brother and I thought all my dreams would come true, I thought I'd finally have a best friend and someone I could rely on but feeling suck Jake and feelings ruin a lot of things. I went of the rails and not even Joey could fix that but that's when your dad walked in. He started of just acting like kids but things got serious and I got scared, I even considered moving back to Australia but this whole family came together and helped me."

I don't want to tell him everything, I don't want him to be scared to love. I don't want the poor kid to feel like loving someone ruins people, even if it ruined me. I find it so hard to just express the feeling love puts me through, I can't do it.

"No Ry, how do you feel?" I looks at me with hope, I feel my walls crumbling down. Jake squeezes my hand and I just don't think I can bottle it up for much longer.

"It hurts; you wonder if they walk out the door if they'll ever come back and you know that if they do than your whole world just got ripped away. It feels like your waiting for them to just get up one day and call quits because you think it's to good to be true. Love controls your whole body and you do fucked up things because of it, i look at your dad and I feel like my heart stops beating. I hurt so many people because I love your dad, I felt terrible but I can't help it. I'd do anything for him because as much as it hurts it also heals everything. Don't let it scare you though danger."

He pulls away and stands up, he reaches back down for my hand and he pulls me to my feet. I get a sudden wash of confusion but I trust this kid with my life. He takes me outside and to the pool house, he sits me on Joey's bed and opens his drawers, he picks up a small book and places it on my lap. "Jakob you shouldn't snob through your brother stuff."

"Just read it." As long as I knew Joey, I didn't know he kept a journal. I felt like I spent my whole life next to him so I don't understand when he had time to right in this thing.

She lies next to me, hair as white as snow and clothes as dark as the night sky. Love surrounds us but never does she see it, I spent my whole life wanting to feel this way about someone but now I do I realise it hurts because she doesn't see the love I have for her. She is blinded by everyone else in her life, she put up these walls to hide herself but in the mean time she blocks out the love people want to give her.....

I flick to the last thing he wrote.

Love hurts and I know that now. I still thought she was the same girl that would lay next to me and tell me everything, now she is full of secrets, secrets that will ruin her. I look at her and there is no sight of the girl I loved, I feel like she left me forever. I don't know where to even look for her but it made me realise her spirit has left and maybe it went to the girl I'll fall in love with in the future. I'm going to look for the memory of the soul I desire, I can't let the past keep trying me down. The girl I loved isn't the girl that used people to get her fix of love.

I take the pen of the bed side table and write next to his words.

The girl you loved never left, the girl you loved got scared. She still lies here and thinks about you like she always did. She loved you too but love is a difficult things because you can't pick the love you feel. I wanted to love you, it would have been so simple. My fate picked me to love someone else and I can't help that. You'll find you're soulmate, i have found mine and now it's your turn to find yours. The girl with the white hair and dark clothes while always lay beside you, even if we are miles apart