In Drummer Heaven

In Drummer Hell

I wish I could remember why we started fighting. I know it started some time after we got home from Dani's reception. Tommy started to drink and drank a lot joke than he usually does and it seems like as soon as we got back to the hotel we started fighting.

"You always act like this when you drink Tommy." I say as calmly as I can.

"You drink just as much as I do, Darcy." He defends.

"But I know when to stop!" I say louder than I meant to.

"So what now? My alcoholism is worse than yours?" Tommy demands.

"I never said that Tommy!" I yell back.

"Than what are you trying to say?" He wonders.

"I don't know!" I yell and throw my arms out in front of me.

I know in that exact second Tommy saw the one thing that I was trying so hard to hide from Tommy because I know it scared the hell out of him. On the inside of my right arm there is a few little scars that are still pink with new skin. I had been cutting myself for the first week and a half back on tour mainly because I missed Tommy.

Tommy grabs my arm harder than he meant to at least I think.

"Ow Tommy!" I cry out but it doesn't seem to phase him.

"I thought you promised me you'd quit." He asks in his normal voice again. "Why are you doing this again?"

"Tommy believe it or not I'm pretty fucked up." I remind him with tears welling up in my eyes. "My parents are both dead, the only blood family I have left that still talk to me is my cousin Amy, I have to spend six months out of the year away from the only person I care about on this planet, ever since that photo shoot for our engagement photos I've been completely insecure about my weight. I just don't know what to do any more! It's safer than cocaine!"

"Not by a lot!" Tommy states. "Darcy this isn't good for you!"

"You think I don't know that?" I demand. "I only pretend that everything is okay with me. Im not as strong as I let on!"

At this point I'm crying. Not for just one thing or anything like that, it's everything. I hate when we fight, I fight my demons in silence for the most part, I struggle through living without my parents on a daily bases, my only strength in the form of my fiancé is on the other side of the planet, and I feel like everything is just coming apart at the seams.

"Cut me when you feel like cutting yourself." Tommy says after a while.

"No." I state.

"Well why?" He demands loudly.

"Because!"

"That's not an answer!"

"I could never hurt you like that, asshole! I love you more than I love myself!" I yell.

All of that slipped out before I could stop it. I can't believe I just said that out loud, let alone screaming it. Tommy stares at me for a second not blinking while the tears stream down my face. I don't like how quiet it got all of a sudden. I quickly walk into the bathroom and lock the door behind me before Tommy could stop me.

I slide down the bathroom door and I pull my legs into my chest. The tears flow down my face in a constant stream and I know there's nothing I could do to stop them. You know how they say if you can't beat them join them? Although I hate crying or showing any weakness whatsoever I know it's too far gone to stop the tears, if I can't stop them I might as well embrace them. I tuck my head between my knees and do something I haven't done for a really long time and just let myself cry.

Tommy

I could've handled all of that better. I knew from the minute I grabs her arm that I hurt her but it didn't register right away. I knew from the minute I saw tears welling up in those big beautiful blue eyes that I hurt her but I didn't stop arguing. As soon as she said that she wasn't strong I knew I went too far yet I kept going. As soon as she said that she loves me more than she loves herself I knew that Darcy had been suffering a lot more than she let on.

Darcy is the strongest person I've ever met. I can't imagine having to go through some of the shit she's went through let alone all of it. She's struggled with depression her whole life, she struggled with drugs in her early teens, then to top it all off she moved out to Los Angeles without knowing a soul there at age sixteen. The fact that Darcy can walk around being her extravagant and vibrant self while dragging all of those demons with her completely amazes me but no one can be strong forever.

My fiancée needed me to be strong for her but I just kept fighting her. Darcy needed me to be strong so she could be weak and I fucked up. Now she's locked herself in the bathroom and has been in there for the last hour and a half. I'm worried about her.

I decided to call down to the lobby to see if there was an external key to the bathroom and they said there should be one in the bedside table. Low and behold there is a key in there. I unlock the door and gently push it open.

Darcy is curled up in a ball asleep on the tile floor in her Spider-Man boxers and an old AC/DC shirt of mine. Her face is tear stained and pale. I can see a pretty clear handprint that has started to bruise on her right arm and my heart nearly stops.

I'd never in a million years intentionally hurt the love of my life but sitting on her arm is my handprint. I hurt Darcy and I can't forgive myself for that. If I live to be eight thousand years old that will never slip my mind, I will always remember that I hurt the only person that I love more than breathing.

I don't want to wake Darcy up because she does look peaceful when she sleeps. I gently pick her up and carry her to bed. I place her down gently and cover her up. I kiss her forehead and move her hair away from her face.

"I am so sorry, Darcy. I love you." I tell her quietly.

Darcy

I roll over and open my eyes, I'm in the bed. I don't remember leaving the bathroom last night. I look around and I meet Tommy's eyes that have been studying me for the past little while.

"I'm sorry, babe." I say quietly. "I shouldn't talk about your drinking, I just worry about you and I don't want to loose you."

"Darcy, I am truly sorry. I shouldn't grab your arm like that, I should never leave bruises on your body, I shouldn't ever talk about your past or your depression. You're so strong all the time and I have to be strong for you once in a while. I promise from now on I'll be strong when you need me to be." He smiles and I kiss his lips.

"I kinda love you, Tommy Lee." I admit and wrap my arms around his chest.

"I kinda love you too, the future Mrs Tommy Lee." Tommy laughs and kisses my hair.