In Drummer Heaven

Some Luck

So our record's release date has been pushed back at least a year. At the very least. In a matter of three weeks Dani's baby was born, a little boy they named Anthony, Rose found out she was pregnant, and Jadie found out her was pregnant but her and her marine ran to Vegas. It's been a hectic three weeks.

It's like three o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I can't shut my mind off. I sit at the island in the kitchen and drink Jack Daniels in a coffee mug in complete darkness. I sit in my Spider-Man boxer shorts and a black shirt I stole from Tommy.

I can't help but think that my career is over, my world is falling apart, and that I'm failing at every. My band's record won't be coming out next year like we had planned on it. Jadie is moving to Barstow with Griffin so that's where they're going to be raising their kid. Dani has grown up on me like she's a mom now and takes this very seriously. Rosie is going to have the giant offspring of a six foot eight, corn fed, football playing mother fucker from Texarkana. Where does that leave me?

I mean I love them but Tommy and I have been trying to get pregnant and Rose and Jade do it by mistake? The band is my dream and I'm not ready for that dream to be over. I'm not ready to face a work where I don't see Jadie everyday day because she lives in a different city. I'm not ready to face the day that all my friends have babies and I don't. I'm just not ready for this world to change on me. I need everything to slow the fuck down.

Tommy walks into the kitchen and turns on the light. I squint under the light and he sits down beside me.

"What are you doing?" He says and takes my coffee mug from me.

"Thinking." I admit as my husband downs the contents.

"About?" Tommy asks as he hands the now empty mug back to me.

"Everything and anything, I can't shut my brain off." I admit.

"What were you thinking about before I came in?" He wonders and I half smile.

"How everything is changing and I don't like it." I say and he looks at me. "I haven't gone a day without seeing Jadie in eight and a half years, now she's moving away and I won't see her everyday. Dani and I used to raise hell but now she has a kid and responsibilities. We've been trying to have a baby and Rosie and Jadie do it by mistake. Last year at this time my band was on tour on top of the world now we have a half done recording that won't come out until at least 1990. I don't like change and that's all that's happening."

"How long has all of this been eating at you?" Tommy wonders.

"About three weeks." I admit and put my head down on the island.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He wonders and rubs my back.

"I don't know." I mumble. "Have you ever got the urge just to drive? Like not going anywhere in particular just driving to get away from everyone and everything."

"Yeah but then I look at you and remember why I have to stay." Tommy says and I sit up. "It's the easiest thing to do, leave and never look back. But I look at you and I remember that I have something to fight for. If I leave then I lose you, I've lived life without you and I never want to do that again."

"How many times have you thought that?" I wonder.

"Not a lot, just the one fight that we had a while back right after Dani's wedding. The one where you locked yourself in the hotel bathroom. I felt like complete shit and it would've been easier just to walk away but I'd hate myself for doing do." He explains and I move closer to him. "I love you and I'd never leave you." Tommy says and kisses my temple.

"I love you so much." I say quietly. "Why can't we just get pregnant?" I ask and he laughs a little bit.

"That time will come I promise. We can't rush it." He tells me. "It'll happen when it's meant to, okay?"

"Okay." I say and look up at him.

Tommy kisses my lips and I smile.

"Want to make cookies?" I ask and he laughs.

"Of course!" Tommy agrees.

So this is love, huh? Having deep meaningful conversations and then baking cookies all at three o'clock in the morning. Maybe it's just me and Tommy kinda love but I love it. Just like I love Tommy.