Splitting Hairs

Twenty Nine

We couldn't have everything we wanted in life. Before I thought love was all there was. I could have Julian and it would be perfect. Pero hindi nga ba hindi lang pala love ang mahalaga sa mundo.

Life.

I didn't want to wake up because I knew the pain was there. Hindi ko gustong sisihin si Julian. It wasn't his fault. I should have been more understanding. Should was the operative word. But in the best of circumstances. Ayokong umunawa. Nababalutan ng sakit at galit ang logic ko.

Kasi nasasaktan ako. Gusto ko ako ang unawain nila. Gusto kong ako ang intindihin nila.

At... gusto kong ibalik nila sa 'kin si Baby JJ ko.

I wasn't crying. I stopped crying the day Julian told me: I... love you Jeannie that I'd choose to live without our baby than you.

I could have jumped with joy even with my stitches on. I could have kissed him on the lips. Pero ano ang ginawa ko? Minura ko siya. Pinalayas. I even told him he killed our baby. Oh, yes. I know I was playing at being the self-centered bitch. Hindi lang akin si Baby JJ. He was also his. And...

...God's.

It had been two months since then. I even asked HIM many times why. Lagi nilang sinasabing ang lahat ng bagay ay may rason. So, bakit pa niya ibinigay sa 'kin kung kukunin niya rin lang naman?

"Jeannie kakain na tayo..."

I didn't look over my shoulder. I was immersed in finishing the painting I had started in Morocco. How ironic, the one I had done right the first day I told Julian we were going to be a family. Even CM went home to see me after joining the contest in New York. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit pa sila nagpa-barbecue party!

Why? Hindi ako naniniwalang gusto nila 'kong sumaya!

"Jeannie..."

I wanted to be alone! Gusto ko 'yung isigaw. Pero napapagod na 'kong magsalita kahit wala pa naman akong sinasabi. I felt her beside me.

"Motherhood is the best fulfillment a woman could ever have." Bulong ng kakambal ko. I shrugged my shoulders. Unti-unting humarap. Gusto ko sanang sabihing nananadya ka ba? But said instead. "You go eat without me."

"Jeannie... stop this... to yourself and Julian. Hindi mo ba naisip na... I know it would be too cliché to tell you this. Malulungkot 'yung baby mo kung ganyan ka."

I rolled my eyes. Tumayo ako para wala ng pagtatalo. I followed her to the lanai. Nandun silang lahat sa may gilid ng pool. Mommy smiled and waved at me. Pinilit kong pagalawin ang muscles ko sa panga. Hindi nga ba gasgas na 'tong ganitong pakiramdam? You felt like crying but still gave the world a smiling fvcking face. How was that?

"Jeannie..." Julian smiled at me tentatively. I asked her with my eyes. "What do you want to eat?"

"Anything." Bulong ko. Hindi ko alam kung kailan 'yun nagsimula. Was it the day after I cursed Julian to hell? Pero isang buwan... isang buwan akong niyayakap ni Julian sa gabi habang umiiyak ako. He would rock me to sleep and kiss the top of my head.

I remembered that one morning I woke up.

Someone was hugging me tight I couldn't breathe. Tama. Ganyan nga. Till my breath would be sucked out of me. Gusto ko ng mamatay. Ayoko ng makaramdam ng ganitong sakit. It was almost unbearable. I couldn't even go to the nursery room. At lalong ayokong makakita ng mag-ina.

Minsan nga natatakot na rin ako sa sarili ko. Pano kung mabaliw ako? Paano kung manguha na lang ako ng bata at angkinin kong anak? God. That was so pathetic.