Splitting Hairs

Thirty One

Compromise. I should have put that in Julian's vocabulary. But didn't I ever know that a person in pain overlooked everything? Hindi nga ba't mas natatabunan ng sakit ang logic?

He walked out on me. I should have been the one running away after doing the rejecting. But no. He did.

And I was chasing him. As always.

I didn't cry. For once, gusto ko namang maging matatag sa mga desisyon ko. I didn't even dare look at everyone. Alam ko, they would ask me the why's and what's. Didn't you still have a clue that I love life?

And so, I did Julian.

I found him in the adjacent room. His back was turned to me. His forehead was bent against the wall. He didn't bother to turn around when I shut the door closed. I smiled bitterly to myself.

"Julian..."

Akala ko dati, kaartehan lang 'yung mga nababasa't napapanood ko. That 'finding yourself' wasn't really true. Ano bang alam ko nung time na 'yun? Gusto ko lang maging magaling na pintor. Gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko. And it was my dream even before Julian entered my oh-so-boring life.

Gusto kong... maging kompleto para sa sarili ko at para kay baby JJ. Even though he didn't survived the world.

True. Sa mga single, lagi kong sinasabi noon na... mas masarap maging single. Masarap walang pinagkakagastuhan kapag monthsary. Kasi wala ka ngang ka-monthsary! Walang naninigaw sa 'yo on the phone when you couldn't text him. Why not? Either I had no choice 'coz there was no one had dared to hold my hand at that time. O dahil sa dinami dami ng lalaki sa mundo walang sumigaw sa 'kin ng katulad ng pagsigaw ni Julian.

Or they weren't as sexy as Julian. I tried to smile. Again.

Yes. It was very true. Hindi lang naman lalaki ang makakapagpaligaya sa 'yo. Literally and... hmm figuratively. You could live without them but somehow... let's be honest; life without them was a boring world. Ano? Magtititigan na lang tayong mga babae?

At the back of our minds we wished for someone to fill the cold nights. With phone calls! LOL. And warm hugs. Ano ba, syempre masarap pa ring merong pipilit na kunin 'yung kamay mo in public kahit kunwari ayaw mo.

"I'll be away for a year. In New York."

He didn't turn around.

"Julian... painting is my very first love. Before you." I pouted and looked out of the window. "Wala ka pa. Nandun na 'yun eh."

Hindi ito lumingon. Fear was eating me. And pain.

"Wala ka bang sasabihin?"

"Gusto kong sabihing naiintindihan kita." Bulong nito. His fists clenched. "Pero masakit Jeannie. You could have told me yesterday. Or even last night!" He was now shouting.

Nung humarap siya. Siguro hindi na 'ko natakot. He looked at me from head to foot.

"Isang... taon lang 'yun Julian."

"One year, Jeannie? Do you think a year is only a day for me?" Galit nitong sabi.

Gusto kong isigaw sa kanya: If you love me, you also have to love what I do! Pero alam kong hindi ganon kadali 'yun. Kahit ako man, kung iiwan ako ng lalaking mahal ko sa harap ng altar baka mapatay ko siya ng wala sa oras. Pain was pain. There was no way around that but time. But wasn't that our problem?

Time.

"I won't... ask you to wait for me Julian. 'Coz I don't know what will happen."

Reality bites. Long distance relationship only stood a chance as big as my thumb finger. Unless you tell me, you stood against odds and still be together after a year. Kung anim na bwan nga 'yung iba wala na. Isang taon pa kaya?