Splitting Hairs

Thirty

Of course, deep down I already knew the answer. I would give him a second chance. Oi, hindi madali 'yung decision ko. Kahit na nga ba sabihing gwapo si Julian at mayaman. Some would even say that I'd won the lottery by having Julian. With raised eyebrow I could very well say na ako si Jeannette Rose Leviste ang tanging taong nakapagtiyaga sa ugali niya.

So, who was being lucky here?

Eh, 'di siya.

I stood up and stared sadly at the engraved name: BABY JJ. He was a boy. He could have been months now. I would have given everything to have him crying in the middle of the night waking me up for his breast feed. But of course, I didn't ask for him to do that now. As in now. Baka gusto niya talagang mabaliw ang mommy niya kung iiyak siyang bigla sa gabi out of nowhere.

"I'll give your father a second chance, baby JJ. Do you know that mommy loves you so much?" I murmured achingly.

I walked down the street. Naramdaman ko 'yung hangin. Ewan ko ba, sa mga novels na nababasa ko 'yung hangin na 'yun 'yung loved ones nila na nawala na. Could it be a sign that baby JJ want us to be together again? I was trying to smile.

I was looking out of the manila bay when the phone started ringing. "Jeannie! I'm sorry. I have submitted your painting. The one with Julian under the shower?"

This was a make-or-break decision. My whole future at stake.

Either Julian or Career.

Eh, kung karirin ko na lang kaya si Julian? Kung pwede nga lang ba.

I walked down the streets of Manila bay and along CCP. I missed these places. Ang hangin tinatangay ang buhok ko. Then my eyes started getting misty. Syempre iisipin nila napuwing lang ako dahil sa lakas ng hangin.

'Pagharap ko nagulat ako. There was this little cherubin who was looking at me. Really looking. Then he smiled.

Nyek. Sana hindi na lang siya nag-smile. Okay na sana. Anghel na naging tyanak pa.

I started laughing horribly. His teeth were decaying. Tapos one seat apart. 'Yung parang sa cannibal? Tapos 'yung ilong niya kumakalat—lumalapad 'pagtumatawa. Pati siya nakitawa na rin. Baliw ba 'tong batang 'to? Matawa kaya siya kung malaman niyang siya 'yung pinagtatawanan ko?

But his cute. Madungis nga lang. At may hawak siya ng mga sampaguita. Ewan ko ba, but my heart suddenly went out to him. "Ate, brokenhearted ka ba?"

Ah, ayos. I slowly smiled. He must have been at least eight years old.

"Okay lang 'yun ate, marami pa namang lalake dyan. Tignan mo nanay ko nakapag-asawa agad. Sampu na kami!"

I winced. Oh, God. Real life drama pala ito. "Really?"

"Oo, 'yun nga lang ang hirap ng buhay."

I nodded. "Anong pangarap mo?"

Kung sinabi nitong maging mabuting asawa't ama babatukan ko talaga 'to. I recalled one of my classmates in High School telling that particular dream of his. Hello? Kahit naman hindi mo pangarapin 'yun, it was human instinct. Caring to your loved ones. Wala ka na bang maisip na matinong ambisyon?

"Gusto kong maging doktor ate. Sana... nagamot ko man lang si tatay at 'di siya namatay. Kaso wala kaming pera."

Ngumiti ako tapos naglabas ng five hundred pesos. I gave it to him. Tapos napa-wow siya. Minsan lang 'yan no. Masama palang napapaisip ako, nakakapaglabas ako ng pera. Tsk. Seriously... there were people who were given the privilege to live their life the way they wanted to be. At anong ginagawa nila?