Splitting Hairs

Thirty Three

I now know the word STUPID, all in capital letters, as I stared outside the glass panel from here. And little did I know that, that word would be applied to me someday... and that someday happened to be now.

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Gusto kong magalit. Pero kanino? Sa sarili ko? Kay Tricia ba?

O sa napakawalanghiya kong ex-hubby. Ah, no. Not ex. Never EX. We weren't even married, legally speaking. Wala nga lang sa kanya 'di ba?

He'd even moved on and forgotten all about me. All about baby JJ.

At ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung unti-unti ko bang pinapatay 'yung sarili ko. Was there such a thing? Could pain kill you? Hindi naman siguro. Pero isa lang sure ko... jealousy could kill. Err... I hated him.

"So... shall we go?" Tricia smiled at me.

She was wearing a floral dress with a cardigan. Very fashionable, eh? Napatingin akong bigla sa tiyan niya.

"Are you sure?"

She looked down at me. "Uh-huh. I haven't been celibate say..."

GOD. Kailangan pa ba niyang sabihin 'yun?

"Five months now."

Argh. Anong pakialam ko?! Kahit 24/7 pa 'yan! Parang convenient store.

So, it was five months going huh. Utang na loob! So, was it any consolation that Julian mourned over our relationship for over, almost one year and seven and a half months? "Actually, I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Yeah." As if. Ano bang ginagawa ko dito? Nagpapakamasokista? Maglaslas na lang kaya ako?

Nasa baba na kami ng condo building ni Tricia. I was still silent and mum about it.

"So... how are you? Someone new?"

I wanted to smile and tell her: Yes, I've found someone new and I'm very much happy. You and Julian can go to hell together, for all I care. Hindi ba magmumukha akong bitter? And that would be sheer hypocrisy. Big time.

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung bakit pa 'ko pumayag samahan siya sa OB. At saka hello? Bakit dito pa? Pwede namang sa Pinas 'di ba? Oh, c'mon! Don't tell me nauubusan na ng OB don?

Maybe because half part of me was harboring a tiny hope that either Tricia was a certified scheming bitch, that she was lying for all that Julian's worth (which was what I would have also done if I were in her place) or she was just too insensitive.

Pano kung sila talaga? After all, Tricia was the first real love of Julian.

"Are you okay?"

Lumingon ako. Sabay biglang labas ng doctor.

Hindi siya buntis... hindi siya buntis... nagdadalang-tae lang si Tricia. No! Oo, alam ko, too bad of me to pray. Pero pwede ba at some point lahat tayo nagiging makasarili kapag nagmamahal 'di ba? Now I was getting all worked up. And disgusted with myself.

"Ahm... Mrs.?"

Sa sobrang lakas ng kaba ko parang ako ang mahihimatay.

***

The doctor smiled widely. So, God wasn't on my side.

"Congratulations! You're two and a half months on the family way."

I was rooted to the seat. Tricia was half-laughing, half-crying. Gusto kong sumigaw na ang O.A. mo Tricia! Dahil bitter ako... sobrang bitter. "Thanks doctor."

Itinayo niya 'ko. Halos akayin na ko ni Tricia. I tried to smile. Palabas pa lang kami ng clinic.

"Tricia!"