Study Buddy: A Chris & Miya Story

Chapter 49

8k votes, aw guys ILYSM!

Thanks for reading voting and commenting❤️✨ ily
AugTreyChris

Sidenote: woah chill they didn't break up lol

Miya

New York City.

I've been laying in this bed for almost a hour, because I just woke up a hour ago. The blankets are beyond comfortable, and it feels like they are hugging me tight. That making it hard to separate from this bed.

Xavier, my cousin, is probably out and about. I remember him telling me last night that today he was going to take me on a tour around the city, that's after he comes back from work.

He's doing pretty well. This studio apartment is nice.

I lie awake as the clock is ticking. I'm wasting precious time just laying here thinking about nothing. And by nothing I mean everything. And by everything I mean Chris.

It's times where I want to sit down and just talk about everything with him. I want to tell him that sometimes the little things hurt the most, or I want to tell him I'm upset because you keep twisting my words. And sometimes I feel like you're not listening to me, you're just picking up words you choose to hear.

I wish it was that easy. I know myself well enough to know that when I start to talk about my feelings everything just goes down hill from there. I can never explain what's wrong with me without getting frustrated and my chest goes up in flames the next minute.

Someone could ask me a simple question of what's wrong and my anxiety kicks in right away. I feel like I'm put on the spot. Then if the actual conversation of talking about what's wrong rolls in I hate the words that leave my mouth because I can't control them, and then I feel pressure. Pressure from I don't know who or what.

Then...

Tick.

Tick.

Tick...

The wrong word or body language makes me blow up. Say things I don't mean and immediately regret. All the crazy reactions happen out of impulse, like a reflex.

Yesterday, when Chris called me and blew up it kind of alarmed me. I didn't know what was wrong or what even happened. Then the text messages roll in and I'm just thinking to myself, if he feels like those tweets were about him then he's being completely sensitive and guilty. Why not call me and ask me what they were about instead or attacking me, I sound hypocritical. I'm not trying to use my chronic anger as a crutch or something that should hold me back, but there's a difference between us.

Great I am using it as something that's holding me back. I hate this.

I reviewed our messages. He probably thinks when I tweeted over it I was referring to him, but I was referring to our argument. And okay I'm wrong for not texting him 'I love you too' but if that's going to make him get angry so fast then I don't know what to say. The millions of times I said I love him and showed him I loved him, this is ridiculous.

My fingers think to type, to start a conversation and to see where we stand right now. I'm way nervous to even do that though, he's probably going to curse me out. The little bit of confidence I have pushed through when I saw the little three bubbles pop up, indicating he's typing; but then the bubbles disappeared. I have to take back what I said about enjoying spring break without me, because it defiantly sounds like I want to break up.  I mean he's going to have to enjoy it without me anyway. I'm here and he's there.