Knock Me Out

Chapter 18a

"Mom what's wrong? What happened?"

My mother turns her head my way and looks at me as if she's looking at a ghost. "Cha-Chaniëlle?"

"Yeah it's me. Chaniëlle. What's going on?"

"Oh my God! Come here baby" my mother says pulling me into a tight hug. Her voice is hoarse and more than half of what she's saying doesn't make sense "I thought.....where.....I....home......you......been...again....."

"Mom what happened. I don't understand anything you're saying. You're not making any sense"

"I'm so so sorry baby"

"It's okay. Calm down. I'm here mom, right here"

She sits down on the floor and pulls me onto her lap, hugging me, crying her eyes out.

I'm so confused. She keeps saying she's sorry and she didn't mean to, but I have no idea what she's talking about. She's rocking me back and fort on her lap and all I can say is that it's gonna be okay.

The last time she cried like this was when my dad died.

Oh shit!! Where's Christian? What if something happened to him?!

"Mom where's Chris?"

"Your room" she croaks out.

Sigh.

So it's not him. THEN WHAT IS IT!?

Did someone die?
Was there an accident?
Is it something at work?

Patients Chaniëlle, patients.

We sit quietly for a few minutes before my mom starts talking.

"You've always wanted to know how your dad died. I never told you, because. ... Well I just didn't want to tell you"

I sit quietly waiting to hear what she's going to say next.

I guess she was just thinking about my dad. That's why she was crying. At least that's what I think.

Whenever I used to ask her how my dad died, she just changed the subject or said she'd tell me when I was old enough.

I always got angry, because even though I was just a four year old kid when my dad died, I knew I had the right to know why my daddy stopped coming home.

I was eager to know why they put my daddy in a giant white box decorated with flowers.

I wanted to know why my daddy wasn't moving. I waited excitedly for him to jump out of that box up and startle me like he did everyday when I came from school.

I wanted to know why my daddy wasn't talking, cause he didn't answer me when I asked him if it was hot in the box. Daddy would uneven ignore me.

I had to know why my daddy wasn't smiling.

I was dying to know why my daddy wasn't telling me anymore jokes.

I asked myself why my daddy wasn't tickling me till I was out of breath, like he used to do when he popped up from behind my bed just to entertain me.

I wanted to know why my mommy was crying every single day, because she used to laugh every single day.

I was eager to know why a nanny was taking care of me instead of my mommy who always made time for me.

I was asking myself where my good morning and my goodnight kisses went.

I sat everyday by myself, wondering what happened.

The fact that I couldn't come up with an answer got me angry, very angry. The anger took place in my heart and it stayed there. So I grew up with it.

When my classmates asked me what was wrong, I yelled at them, because I didn't have the answer.

I didn't know what was wrong.

That's why nobody wanted to play with me. They called me a mean sad girl. They only spoke to me when I had cookies and candies.

I grew up with thousands of questions in my head and I couldn't find the answer to most of them. Some of the answers came to me themselves. Just like when the realization of my daddy being death just came to me.

Mommy didn't tell me that he was death. She always said that he'll be home soon, but daddy never came home.

That's when I decided that my mommy wasn't my 'mommy' anymore, she was just a mother. Since daddy died she's just been my mother, not my mommy.

She had the answers to my questions, but she never gave me them.

Until now.

She's willing to tell me everything that happened.

And I didn't have to ask her.

She looks at me and takes me down the memory lane with her.
"It was a Monday afternoon............."

I know. Unlike my other chapters this one is very short.
It was actually a 100% done, but WP crashed and more than 75% was gone when I logged back in. So I decided to just give you what I have now and rewrite the rest of it later.

Love❤ Nicky