Home (H.S)

an insight

"You don't have to say, "I love you," to say I love you
Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons
We've been making shades of purple out of red and blue
Sickeningly sweet like honey, don't need money
All I need is you
All I need is you, you."

Harry’s POV

I knew I shouldn't have acknowledged it when she asked. One is not supposed to voice one’s concerns when you're trying to be optimistic about something. 

This just shows that I'm such a pessimist. I knew that but I hoped this would be different. I did want a future with Eleanor and obviously I hoped that this would work out. 

But I don't think I'm wrong in not wanting to tell our parents just yet. Not until things were more certain between us. It doesn't mean I care for Eleanor any less. 

"Are you ready to go?" Eleanor mumbles coming out of the bathroom. She tried to clean up the mess in the bathroom, which I am grateful for. I feel bad even. 

"Yeah. We have a few hours before we have to go though, love." I reply, setting my phone down looking up at her. Eleanor nods to herself pulling out her own phone to go and sit outside on the balcony.

I upset her. I don’t need Eleanor to say it because I know it. The way she carries herself to the tone of her voice. I know it and I feel bad. But I can’t do much about it. I don’t want to lie. I want to tell the world that we are together. I mean, technically, they do know but just the married version of us. The wrong way we met. 

I truly wish I had met Eleanor in a different manner; then this feeling to be with her wouldn't feel confusing. I don’t know if I truly like her or if it is just because she's here.  

There, I said it. 

I have her and she is mine. I am the first one here and it will always be like that. Because if this didn't work out I know Eleanor would come back when I wanted it. You never forget your first time or the person who it was. Say what you might but there's always going to be an attachment there. 

From Eleanor to me there would be an attachment. Always.

But from me to her? I didn't know yet. I am new to all of this. I don't know what I'm doing or where we are headed. I'm just going through with all of this. 

I know one thing, however. 

I don't know how I feel about Eleanor yet but I know that I want to be with her. I need to be in the same room as her, possibly as close as I can get. I need physical reassurance that she is nearby. That she is safe despite my outbursts. I don’t want her to be afraid of me. 

I remember what Zayn had asked me when we last hang out.

"You think this is real between you and this little girl?"

"I'm afraid to hurt her."

That was my immediate response. What did it mean? I've wondered since that day. 

It's sort of been repeating itself in my head. Like an ongoing mantra. I found myself trying to walk on eggshells when I’m with Eleanor. Again, this isn’t something I'm
used to. So I feel like I'm doing everything blindsided.