#8 :: Not Everything Is Shared

31) ALEXANDRA

It's Zacks birthday tomorrow and I am throwing him a costume party. I couldn't be more excited. This was definitely what I needed after burying my mum.

But before I could enjoy that I had to go and see Ryan. I had been putting it off for so long but I guess as it is Zacks birthday tomorrow I should invite him. Hopefully he's busy and then at least I can say well I tried.

I was hungry so I told him to meet me at Nandos. Once we made our orders we sat down and there was an awkward silence.

"Soooo.. I'm here. What did you want to say?" I said breaking the silence.

"Well.. First thank you for meeting with me and second of all I'm sorry Alexandra. I messed up and I know I did. I didn't want to be a father. I felt like I was too young. I wanted to do things. I didn't want to feel tied down and at the time I felt like that's what a baby would do. Tie me down. But I was a coward, a shit boyfriend, a rubbish human and a sorry excuse for a father. I know that Zacks birthday is tomorrow and I know that I have missed out on 5 years. But I have this box. It has letters to Zack and you. Presents to Zack and photos of me during each year. I know it might seem silly but I didn't know how to contact you. Especially because we parted on bad terms. But I never forgot either of you. I'll never forget you two. Lex, you're the only woman I've ever loved. You was there for so many of my first times. Those are things I'll never forget and never be able to replace with anybody else. I'll always love you Lex. You gave me something so special which I could never repay you for. My first child. I just really want to get to know Zack. So in due time I can take him on weekends. He can have his own room at my own place. I know that will take time but I'm here for it. I've stopped running from my duties. I'm here to do what I need to do. I can't make up for the years gone but I hope you won't stop me from being in his life from here onwards. I don't want you hating me. Before anything you was my best friend and I'd be grateful to try and build that back." He said as he took a napkin and wiped my tears.

I didn't realise I was crying. To others this may have sounded like an excuse or that he realised he messed up but to me, this is what I wanted to hear and I know he meant it. A whole lot of feelings came back which I wasn't expecting.

"Thank you..." Was all I managed to say.

"It's cool. Look here's Zacks present can you give it to him tomorrow please?" He said.

"You can come if you are free. It's fancy dress. Superheroes only. No one is allowed to be iron man though. That's Zack."

"Really? I'd love to come." He said.

I smiled. I didn't think I would feel this way towards Ryan; but I just couldn't hate him. I gave him the details of Zacks birthday before we went our separate ways. I smiled knowing I was being very grown about this. My mother would have been proud.

It was the morning of Zacks birthday and I was up making sure everything was perfect. I was Wonder Woman without my costume on! By 12 everything was done and we was all ready. I was Wonder Woman, Calum was Superman, Jerimih was Batman and my star boy Zack was Iron Man. He was obsessed with Iron Man.

The party was in full swing. All the kids were enjoying. Two hours had gone by and I was ready to do the cake. There was still no sign of Ryan which was disappointing as I was hoping he would have been here for that. Just as I got everything set up he came in. He came in dressed as Iron Man. I thought it was cute. I would be sure to make sure they got a picture together.