#8 :: Not Everything Is Shared

39) ALEXANDRA

"Babe, I'm taking the boys out after school. So you can get some work done." Calum said to me.

"Thanks babe. Really need to get this work done." I said feeling stressed.

Calum came and kissed me on the lips making me feel a bit better.

"You'll be fine. I'll call you later remember to call the estate agent about that house." He said before leaving.

Yes! I'm back with Calum. And yes we were planning on moving in together. How? Oh I'll tell you how.

One month ago.

Today I was meeting Ryan and Carla. I had never been this nervous since the day I applied for my job! I was about to let go of some demons I had been holding onto for a very long time.

I was glad I got there before them. Gave me time to relax. About five minutes after I got there they had turned up.

"Thanks for coming." I said to them both.

"No problem." Ryan said.

Carla never said a thing.

"Right so I guess you both are wondering why I asked you to come here. I needed to say a few things before I could move on. Properly. So here it goes... Ryan, you was my first everything. We did everything together and at the time I thought you was going to be the guy I would have married and had kids with. But clearly that wasn't the life planned out for us. If I'm honest with myself I should have saw the signs earlier; but when you want something to work so badly you tend not to see what's right in front of you, but what you want to see. Anyway. The day you told me that you wasn't ready to commit I couldn't believe it. We had been together for 6 years so for you to turn around and say that it didn't make sense. You broke my heart in more ways than you could imagine. Did you know that when Zack was born I didn't connect with him? He looked like you so much I couldn't be a mother to him. My mum looked after him. Then one day he had an accident and I panicked. It was then I changed my ways and made my life all about Zack. Everything I have done is for him. May sound silly to you but he's my best friend. Our bond is so great and I'm glad. He talks to me about everything, and every night I go sleep I pray that god watches over my baby and every time I wake up I thank him for sparing our lives yet another day. This is why when you came back and wanted to see him I got defensive. You missed out on so much. You don't have the bond we do. Zack deserves that. I never really knew my dad. I always blamed myself for him not staying and I wouldn't want for Zack to do that where you are concerned. At least that's what I told myself. Yes that was the truth but that wasn't the only reason why. I wanted to punish you. How dare you think you can just pop up and make amends? It doesn't work like that. You hurt me. Not only did you hurt me you disowned our son. I hated you for the fact you broke my heart and because you wasn't ready. To me that wasn't good enough.
And you. Carla. I won't sit here and act like I like you because I don't. But I don't hate you. You couldn't have been with Ryan if he didn't want you to. Ryan entertained you and then would deny it. Because I wanted this happy ever after I would accept that it was you just trying to be a home wrecker. And even though you being a home wrecker is very much the case, you can't wreck no home if the person who lives there doesn't open the door and invite you in. But I can well and truly say I am over it. I don't love Ryan, I am not in love with Ryan. I have no feelings for you Ryan. I have someone who wants to be with me and is ready to commit. So there's no point me dwelling and punishing you for what you didn't do when you are trying now. You can't replace lost time and if Zack ever feels he wasn't good enough for you or he resents you for it; that's for you to explain why. Zack has two parents. I want him to know and love them the same. So what I am here trying to say is; let's start again. Start a fresh. You can take Zack on weekends. He can get to know his sister and when his brother arrives his brother too. At the end of the day all that matters is Zack. But let me warn you. If my son comes back upset or tells me something I don't like you we will have a problem. So yeah, clean slate?" I said with a smile as I put my hand out.