#8 :: Not Everything Is Shared

44) STEPHANIE

So remember when I said what's the worst that could happen with having Malcom sleep in my bed?

Well... I'll tell you what. Sex. Sex is the worst thing that could happen. After sleeping with him I did realise how much I missed him. Well not him. But his sex. So every now and then we would sleep together. I'd make sure to send his ass home. So he knew that's all it was. Just sex. He thinks that this is how he will win me around. Yeah his sex is great but it ain't that great!

I should have stayed away from Malcom. Nothing good has come from sleeping with him. I said that that's the worst thing that could have happened but it's not. You want to know whats worse than sleeping with Malcom? Being pregnant for him.

Yep. That's right. I'm pregnant. AGAIN. For Malcom! I'm so mad at myself. Here's me wanting him to sign divorce papers; yet I'm not just sleeping with my ex but I've gone and got pregnant again.

My daughter isn't even six months yet! What am I going to do with two children under the age of two?

Malcom is convinced we are back together. All I've done is be nice. He had lost his mother. It was still very raw. I had been there for him and he was convinced that it meant I still wanted him. But it wasn't. I didn't want to be with him. I couldn't be with him. I did not trust him.

Now here I am pregnant with his baby and I know when I tell him he's going to be over the moon and give me more problems as to why we must be together.

It was times like this I really needed Tasha. I couldn't wait for next week to hurry up and come. Natalie had planned this day for us to turn up at hers and force Tasha to speak.

I guess I'll just wait a bit before I tell Malcom. He stresses me out as it is. I don't need him stressing me out even more.

My phone rings and guess who it is?

Malcom.

"Yes Malcom."

"I was going to grab us some takeaway before I come up. Anything you want?"

"I'm staying at my mums tonight."

"Oh? Why you never say before?"

"Why do I need to tell you what I'm going to do?"

"Well my daughter is involved so that's why."

"Well... you know now."

"Cool. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

I packed up some stuff and headed off to my mums.

***********

"Stephanie... it's been three days. Not that I'm complaining but why have you not gone home?"

"Because I'm hiding from Malcom."

"Why?"

"He's not getting the message. I'm done with him. I don't want to be with him. I just want to co parent. He won't sign the divorce papers. He's always in my house. In my space. I feel suffocated. I know he's always there because he wants to see Marnie and because his mum is no longer here. That's why I don't tell him he's suffocating me. I can't take it! On top of that... I'm pregnant."

"Woah now! Pregnant? For who?"

"... Malcom."

My mum laughed.

"Girl you have a nerve. You sleeping with him KNOWING he still wants you and then want to say he's suffocating you. If you really wanted him out of your space you would take Marnie to his house and make the most of your days being free. But no. I'll tell you what. You like that he wants you. You like the attention he's giving you. You think he owes you this for him stepping out on you. You also do want to be with him. But you are scared of what others will say and think. You're scared he may cheat on you again. But if you can forgive Natalie and move on then you need to do the same with Malcom. You now have baby number two on the way. You won't be able to do this on your own. So stop acting like you don't want him. Malcom is all you know. Go get your husband."

"I hate coming here. I'm going home." I said as I got up.

"Yeah that's right. You get up and leave. Every time I tell you the truth you get up and run."

"I'm not running mum. I just don't need to hear all of this."

"Yes. Yes you do! Stop playing with that man. Yes he hurt you. But if you was meant to be co parenting you lot are not meant to sleep together! I raised you better than that! You know exactly what you are doing and when shit hits the fan you come running home."

"OKAY OKAY!! I'm in the wrong! It's my mess and I'll fix it!" I said as I packed up the rest of my stuff.

I messaged Malcom and told him to come round when he was free. He said he was going to come in the evening.

My mum was right. I enjoyed toying with him. I enjoyed the fact he still wanted me. I lived off of the attention. But now, I'm pregnant again and really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep the baby of course. But two children under two is not going to be easy.

By the time evening came Marnie was asleep which I was happy about. Made it easier to talk with Malcom. When Malcom came he tried to kiss me and I stopped him.

"We need to talk."

"Uh oh."

"Sit down."

"What's up?"

"Okay I need to get a lot of stuff off my chest so let me speak then you can say what you want."

"Okay."

"So I've wanted you to sign the divorce papers so I could be free of you. And you never signed them. I don't know why. After all, you did have two children on me with my best friends sister. Even if I still loved you I could never trust you and without trust there's nothing. You have been convinced that me and you will get back together but I don't think you know how you have really made me feel. You even said you wanted a paternity test. Whether you was joking or not. That hurt me. Everything you did hurt me. I became cordial with you because despite everything; you are Marnie father and I wouldn't take that from you. Now you have come and you're in my space; you're constantly taunting me about not signing papers and that we're meant to be together. So I've taken advantage and got what I wanted from you and sent you on your way afterwards letting you believe we will ever become something when we won't. But it stops here. It stops now. From now on I'm going to drop Marnie off to you. You can have her overnight. I need my space from you. I need you to respect that. This is the only way I feel we can have a proper friendship and be the best parents we need to be to Marnie. And also for you to realise, we won't be getting back together. That ship has long sailed."

"Wow. Deep. Okay cool. Message me when you want me to have Marnie. Or I'll message you. I'm going to see my dad now. Check in on him." Malcom said as he got up and left.

I knew he was in his feelings. I could tell with his response. But I needed him to know. I was hoping we could build a good friendship before the baby comes so it would be easier for us. I was going to tell him I was pregnant but I think what I told him today was enough. I'll tell him soon though. Before he tries to ask me for another paternity test. The cheek!