a little collection

9

(my own experience and what i wrote @ 11 p.m.)

losing you hurt.

losing you didn't hurt you, though. it hurt me. you never texted me again, and i knew that it was delivered. i shouldn't be held up by one guy, but i lie awake at night, music blasting in my ears, the ceiling nothing but a silly blur from my lack of glasses, and i wonder where i went wrong.

what could've caused you to abruptly ditch contact with me, when you had me to believe that you actually liked to talk to me?

i wish i had never talked to you. i wish i had never laid eyes on you. you did nothing but trash my life, and i say screw you to that. i hate you for making me feel this way, i wanted for none of this to happen. to be honest, i don't know what i had seen in you. you are such a douche, and acted like a total fool! and, whenever i would try to make plans with you, you immediately bailed.

i never want to hear from you, i never want to see you, i never want to think of you, ever again. goodbye, and have a good life. thanks for ruining mine.

months later

i still have feelings for you. i don't want to cry about you. i don't want to be that one girl who stalks your instagram, feeling heartbroken about you with another girl. i don't even know if she's a significant part in your life. all i know is that those are your arms around her, you in a suit and her in a dress. i want to be in those arms.

i thought i was over you. i don't know why i'm even thinking about you. i don't want to think about you. you ruined me, you made me think that i had something with you, only to leave me like that. you were never a total fool, as i've called you. please. i was just angry and upset, like i am now.

but now, it's for a different reason. then, i was angry because you left without warning. i'm angry now because you're still on my mind, how you still make my chest flutter, how you still have some sort of effect on how i feel. even now, as i write this, i feel a flutter, a sort of feeling in my chest. and god i hate it.

it makes me feel weak, and i wish you would just go away. go away so i can finally move on. i want you to leave my mind so i can be at peace. so i'm not nervous whenever i see you. i want you to keep away from me. but i know i'm fooling myself by trying to push you away. i know what's actually going on whenever i try.

i still have feelings for you, and i'm not even a part of your life anymore, which tears me apart. i don't want to wish you bad luck, because honestly, i'm not like that. i want you to have a good life. i just wish i was a part of it, that's all.

so, thank you. thank you for some of the best months of my life, and thank you for making me happy with texting you until it's past midnight. thank you for the deep conversations, thank you for the funny conversations, thank you for every conversation we've had, day or night. thank you for making me laugh, smile, feel warm inside. just thank you.