a little collection

38

continued from chapter 36

I sit, numb as tears stroll down my cheeks. The headstone I lean against is cold, seeping through my jacket and sweater. A few snowflakes fall from the cloudy sky, drifting through the slight breeze.

I still can't get it through my head that she's gone. My Emily. For God's sake, I'm sitting next to her gravestone and I can't believe that she's dead. I've been told to see a therapist, about my nightmares and the fact that I haven't opened up to anyone about this. But I don't want to. I can't do it. I don't want to accept that she's gone, even if I don't see her anymore, even if her blinding smile is just a memory.

I see her, though. I see her in every locker, every car, every word in a book is her name. I still feel the excitement in my stomach remembering our first kiss. I shut my eyes, remembering that beautiful memory.

The buildings and fields rush by as the train drones on, and Emily watches as the sky turns a gorgeous shade of pink and gold. Happiness lights up her entire face, and she looks so beautiful. I can't stop staring.

Emily notices that I'm looking at her, and she blushes.

"What?" She asks, and I make a bold move and take her cheek in my hand, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. She looks excited, and we both lean in, our lips meeting in the middle.

The feeling is indescribable. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I wrap mine around her waist, pulling her in closer.

When we break apart, she's giggling.

"Gabe...I've always liked that name." She whispers, and I smile.

"Emily...that's my new favorite word." I whisper back, and she grins. God, her smile is the prettiest thing.

I take my head into my hands, wishing to feel her again. Wishing for her to be next to me, to have her laughing and smiling instead of being buried beneath me.

I sob, and I don't notice someone walking towards me until their voice fills the dead air.

"Gabe?" I look up, and it's Lara, Emily's best friend. I quickly wipe away my tears, and she sits next to me.

"Hey, Lara. What're you doing here?" I ask, sniffing.

"I talk to Emily every day. What are you doing here?" She tilts her head, and I look down.

"I like to come here and just sit. Get away."

"From what?"

"Everything. My mom keeps pressuring me to go to a therapist and talk about my nightmares and open up, but I can't. That means I'll have to accept that the girl I love is truly gone. I don't want to let go."

She sits in silence, and tears still stream down my face.

"Gabe...that paper you had when the police officer came to talk to you? That was from Emily, wasn't it?" She whispers, and I start to shake.

"Yes." I croak, and she looks down.

"It wasn't pretty, was it?" I grow angry, and I stand up, running a hand through my hair.

"Who the fuck cares? She's gone. Why do you keep asking all of these fucking questions that I can't answer? My girlfriend is dead, she killed herself and died in my fucking arms, she was abused and violated by someone she trusted, and she never recovered from it, why am I still being asked about this? I couldn't save her. I love her and I couldn't save her from killing herself and being buried beneath us. I...It's all my fault. It's all my fucking fault." I plop back down onto the ground, and Lara looks like she's seen a ghost.

"Gabe, it's not your fault. It's not Emily's fault. It's the one who hurt her and became a constant reminder of that pains fault. He deserves to rot in hell for what he did, and you need to know that she loves you, wholeheartedly." She takes my hand, and intertwines her fingers through mine.

"And she loves that you stayed with her through everything. Through her panic attacks, her spells of depression, everything. You are everything to her. She'd 100% slap you for saying it's your fault." She smiles a bit, and I shake my head.

"I couldn't save her, Lara. I watched her as she fell from overdose. I had to call 911. I could've done something besides hold her and cry. I was a fucking coward. I couldn't see the pain she was in, I couldn't piece together her depressed spells and her frequent anxiety attacks for something this serious. And now I'm too late. I can't save her from all of this now. She's buried and long gone, for six months now, and I can't do anything about this, and that's what hurts the most. The fact that I didn't and can't do anything. I...I couldn't do anything."

I realize now that I've let every emotion, every word I've held back out, something I didn't see possible. All because of the girl in front of me, who I only became friends with because of my girlfriend.

I break down into harder sobs, and she throws her arms around me, her own tears littering her face.

"It's okay to cry, Gabe. It's..it's okay." She stammers, and I wrap my arms around her small torso, thankful for her company.

"I was so in love with her. I wanted to marry her. I was gonna marry her, once she was ready. And now that future is gone. All because of Walter. He hurt her so bad."

"Have you said anything about it to him?" She whispers.

"I've avoided him. If I tried to do anything about it then I'd end up beating him like crazy. I'm waiting."

She doesn't respond, and we just sit, the only sounds being our sobs and sniffles. The snow now falls heavily around us, coating the tops of the gravestones.

"Lara?"

"What?"

"I think I'm ready to let go." I whisper, and she looks at me in surprise.

"What do you mean?"

"I've held onto her for the longest time. I still feel her touch, hear her voice, smell her perfume, taste her lips, I see her face everywhere. I've been clinging onto our memories, and I think I'm ready to accept the fact that I can't bring her back. I'll never forget what we had, but I can't move on if I don't let go first."

She places her hand on my shoulder, and squeezes.

"Gabe, are you sure? This is a big move."

I dig into my pocket, pulling out the small box that would've held her three year anniversary gift, where a diamond necklace lied. Lara lays eyes on it and widens her eyes.

"Today was supposed to mark three years together. Today marks six months that she's been gone." I make a small hole in the ground, and gently place the box in, filling it back up.

"Happy Anniversary, Em. I miss you."