a little collection

24

i run my hands through my hair, making the quiff stick up in all directions. i pace swiftly in the hospital waiting room, the faint sound of the news and crying children a mere buzz in my ears.

"dan, chill out, the doctor says she'll probably be fine." my friend matt reassures, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"probably? i can't live with probably!" i yell, causing people to stare. "i can't live with waiting impatiently, not knowing if emily will come out of that surgery alive or not, matt! do you want to know what my last words to her were? 'get out of here, leave me alone!' the fact that those may be my last words to her, ever, kills me.

"all i heard from her next were screams, and the most sickening crack as her head had hit the pavement from flying through the air. she could be dead, for all i know! she could be alive, and may hate me forever! but i can't let her go. i wanted my last words to her to be 'i love you,' but that may never happen, matt!

"it's all my fault that she's in that room, we had one of the biggest fights ever, and i said awful things, i hurt her bad. if i hadn't told her to leave, she wouldn't be close to death right now, undergoing surgery as we speak! it's all my fault, matt!

"all i want is to hold emily's hand. she may be alive right now, scared. she needs someone, it doesn't have to be me, but i want to know that she's okay, and i may never know! i just want to see her, just one more time. touch her beautiful freckles, run a hand through her straight brown locks, hold her delicate hands. i....i can't lose her now, matt. i can't..." my voice trails off as i begin to sob, and matt hugs me, whispering condolences into my ear.

we remain like that for a few minutes, and we sit in a chair. i'm somehow able to fall asleep, in my manic state.

****
i wake about two hours later, the doctor shaking my shoulder gently.

"dan?"

i sit up, wiping my eyes roughly. he takes in my shattered form, and he looks sympathetic.

"is she okay?" i ask, my voice weak.

"emily's going to be okay. she's recovering well, everything's functioning well. you can come see her, she's awake and well in there." i race to her room, where she talks quietly with a nurse as she fixes her vitals.

she looks breathtaking, even with bandages and tubes on her.

"emily? you have a visitor." the doctor says quietly, knocking twice on the doorframe. she registers in my face, probably puffy and red from crying.

"i'll leave you two alone." the nurse says, patting her shoulder twice. after shutting the door behind her, emily speaks up.

"you stayed." i rush to her bedside, and wrap her small body in my arms, and i sob uncontrollably, and her own shoulders shake.

"i'm so sorry, i didn't mean a word i said to you, i'm so sorry, emily. it's my fault, it's all my fault. i'm so happy you're okay." i sob into her shoulder.

"dan, it's not your fault. we were both angry, it wasn't your fault." she whispers, tightening her hold.

"i love you so much, em, you have no idea." i whisper, and she pulls away, her eyes shiny.

"what? did you just say the l-word?" she asks, smiling a bit.

"it's the only word i can think of when i think of you." i answer, smiling.

she scoffs, shoving my shoulder. "ugh, i love you too, but you're so corny i-" i interrupt her by kissing her, my hands placed delicately on her face.

"woah." she whispers, touching her forehead to mine.

"are you okay?" i ask. she smiles.

"never better."