a little collection

39

This music is way too loud, the air is thick with the stoners smoke, and I need air. Thankfully, the backyard is basically empty, so I sit at a swinging bench. I'm too drunk. I need to clear my head.

Everything seems slower, blurrier, as the stars above glint. My boyfriend is probably somewhere in the house, and my best friend is texting me asking where I am.

I close my eyes, and let my mind slip. I think about all the moments Ive had with Trevor versus the ones with James. His name sticks out in my mind, and I'll never be able to tell if it's the booze doing it.

James has been there for me since eighth grade, and never left my side. He's the one who texts me when I wander away, and he doesn't leave when I'm busy, like Trevor does. Is it my mind warping these images, or is it the truth I haven't been able to see? I think of all the times I've had with James, through laughter, through tears, through laying together on my living room carpet, talking about nonsense at 5 am as the sun rises. In this lonesome town, we're here for each other to bring light in each other's life. We've always been there.

I look into the house, and I see my so-called boyfriend drunkenly making out with some girl that isn't me. I knew this was gonna happen. I knew he was growing bored of me. But I'm not sad. Nor am I angry. They move away from the sliding glass door, and someone steps outside.

"There you are, Emily." James smiles, his teeth glowing in the moonlight.

"Hey, sorry, I just needed some space." I sigh, and he sits next to me on the bench.

"Are you okay, you haven't been yourself these past few days." He asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I've just been going through some stuff, thinking a lot. I'm also very drunk so I can't quite form a thought." I give a half-laugh, and James shoots me a crooked half smile.

"As long as you're okay, Em."

We sit in silence for a moment, and I ask, "James?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever think that someone can fall for the wrong person?"

"That's a heavy question. But, of course. Even though they may yearn for someone else, they become infatuated with someone else and they...forget."

"Huh."

"Why do you ask? Are you and Trevor okay?"

"Well, I just saw him making out with another girl. I'm not sad or angry, I knew that he was bored of me."

"Shit, Em, I'm still sorry." He places a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine. What about you? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course I am. I'm here for you, Em, and it's going to stay that way."

In that moment, he looked different. Something about him had shifted from the party-loving boy that I had been friends with for so many years. He held this look in his eyes that I couldn't describe, but something I wanted to see more.

Whether it was myself or the booze I don't know, but I found myself leaning in and meeting my lips with his. When this happened, I expected him to pull away after a second and tell me that I'm drunk, that we shouldn't be doing this.

But he didn't. His lips stay on mine, and his hand travels to my neck, pulling me in closer.

Kissing Trevor had felt like a chore, like someone was trying to judge us. But with James, it felt so much easier. All I want is to hold this feeling.