a little collection

53

The rain is pouring outside. But Lisa's apartment is always warm. As I check the time, I remember that I have to go home and pay bills.

"Hey, I have to go." I whisper, and she whines a little in return.

"Do you have to? I mean, it's pouring."

"I have to pay bills. I need to."

"Okay, you adult. I'll walk you out."

We walk down the stairs in a comfortable silence, and outside, the only light is the gold glow of a street lamp, making the ground look shiny from the rain.

"I'll see you later?" She asks, and I nod. I kiss her, taking her in my arms. When we break away, and Lisa can't keep the smile off her face. She gives me a small wave as she goes back inside.

I leave her apartment building, and when I turn, I see her.

Eleanor.

She sees me, and it's like my heart catapulted. I'm frozen, I don't know what to do.

"I think I'm falling in love with you, Eleanor."

"Why?" She asks.

"Because you're incredible."

"You can't fall in love with me. I'll just hurt you."

"But....don't you feel the same?"

"I hate the fact that I do."

"Shawn." Eleanor whispers. Hearing her say my name makes me feel like a pile of Jell-O.

"Eleanor, call me, please. You can't leave me like this."

"Is this because of what I said? About falling in love with you?"

"If you want me to take it back, I will. I don't wanna lose you, Elle."

I place my head in my hands, trying to see where I had gone wrong. All the late night picnics on rooftops, running through malls in shopping carts, sitting in silence as we just enjoy each other. It all doesn't make sense.

My phone rings, her name lighting up my phone. Her photo is so beautiful, but nothing compared to her in person.

"Eleanor, where are you, why did you leave? Come back."

"Shawn...."

"No. Don't say my name. Don't you dare say goodbye to me." Tears are streaming down my face.

"I do love you. I do. But I can't stay."

"What do you-" Click. She hung up.

"Where did you go, Eleanor?" I ask, a cold tone to my voice. Even in the rain, I can see the tears shining.

"I went to Maine for a while. Then to Delaware, and even New Jersey for a while. But I needed to come home."

"I thought you didn't have a home."

"....Shawn, you're my home."

"I ran away from home when I was 17. I couldn't believe the life I was leading in Oklahoma. I had to leave."

"What happened?"

"My aunt. My parents had disappeared after I turned 3 and left me for my aunt. She became an alcoholic due to the trauma, and wanted me to work in a farm for my life."

"Wow. I'm glad you ran away, then." She giggles, and I smile.

"You really are beautiful, Elle."

"You don't get to say that anymore. I have a girlfriend, she's amazing, she doesn't leave me right after I say I'm in love and disappear after a year and a half without talking!" I yell, and she looks ashamed.

"I'm sorry. But I'm here to stay." The pouring rain fills the silence.

"Shawn?" I throw my priorities out the window and I kiss her. I kiss her in the middle of the pouring rain, my hands going into her long blonde hair, pulling her close to me.

Kissing her was like a roller coaster. You wonder why you're doing this, because it's crazy, and you never know what may happen. But it's one of the most thrilling things you could ever do, and you always feel so amazing after coming down.

"I shouldn't be doing this. You broke my heart, and it look so long for me to even consider dating again."

"I missed you."

"How can I trust you again, after you hurt me so bad?"

I feel my sobs rack through my body, clinging onto her scent from the tee shirt she had left behind.

I want to hold her again, feel her against my body, breathing, feeling, making me feel alive.

"I do love you. More than I have loved anyone. Will you please just let me back in?"

I think about Lisa. Sweet, beautiful, amazing Lisa. She has no idea of what just happened between me and the girl who broke me. I feel like the worst person in the world.

I take a step back. The rain is nothing to me now.

"I can't believe you. You hurt me so bad, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But you were selfish. Absolutely selfish. I don't know why you left. Why you just disappeared without a trace. But you were even more selfish for coming back, expecting me to drop everything and jump back into your arms.

"If you love me, you wouldn't have left in the first place."

She's speechless. I crushed her. But I don't feel triumphant, I don't feel proud. I feel absolute dread.

"Just let me think things over, okay Elle?"

She nods. And I see the ghost of a smile at her lips. I just called her Elle. Like I used to.