a little collection

25

i storm into my apartment bathroom, placing my hands on the counter. dans words echo through my head, sharp as a thorn.

"you're just like your father, ava, you're so deceitful!"

tears form and fall down my face. i look up, and i scream at my reflection.

instead of a normal girl with brown hair down to my shoulders, i see my father, my eyes sunken in and bloodshot, with stubble on my chin, and a jack daniels bottle in my hand.

i rub my eyes, and i see myself again, pink racing across my cheeks. i sob harder, collapsing into my bathtub, shaking.

i turn the shower on, and it's so hot that it scorches through my clothes and turns my pale skin red. i want to burn off the words, my fathers image, dans image.

i saw the immediate regret in his eyes as he emitted the words, cold and harsh, slicing across my chest, cutting me apart.

but the damage was done. is he happy now? is he satisfied that he won this argument?

a distant pound on the door has my attention, but i don't move. i sob into my knees, the water still burning. i hear a voice call out my name.

"ava? are you in there?" the person must've grabbed the spare key, and their footsteps go towards the bathroom. the knocking grows louder.

"ava?" no. no. i don't want to see him. why did he come here? i don't respond, keeping my sobs quiet.

"ava, i'm sorry. i-i don't have an explanation for what i said. i had no right to say anything. i don't want to lose you, though. i crossed a line, i know. please, open the door!"

i hold back, and the pounding on the door becomes more erratic and panicked as dan grows nervous.

"ava, please, show me you're okay! say something, don't do this to me! you're scaring me!" after what he said, i never want to speak to him again.

"AVA, I BEG OF YOU, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE SHOW ME THAT YOU'RE OKAY!" he screams, and if he pounds on the door any harder, then he'll break it down. i can tell he's crying, his voice is cracking.

i give him a signal by shutting off the water, and i hear him sigh in relief. the door was never locked, and he bursts in, taking in my shaking form, tears still streaming down my face.

"ava...." dan whispers, tears streaming down his beautiful, beautiful face. he's in pain. i don't want to forgive him. he's seen my fathers actions, he knows why i could never be compared to him.

but he did. he called me deceitful, just like him. he broke the one boundary i have. i don't care if he called me selfish, malignant, hell, even harlot wouldn't have felt as bad, i know he never means it.

i shake my head, and move as far as i can from him in the bathtub. i don't say a word to him, and he climbs in next to me, drawing his long legs up to his chest. he closes his eyes, leaning his head against the tiled wall.

"so....is this really happening, ava? are we dreaming or is this reality?" he asks, and i crinkle my brow in confusion.

"i mean, i already know i hurt you, bad. i felt so angry, i actually wanted to hurt you. but i knew that mentioning your father would've been a shot to the heart. comparing you to him? forget about it. but i did it. i'll understand if you want to break up with me."

i finally speak up, which makes his eyes fly open.

"i'd never want to break up with you, dan. no matter what you say, or do. what you said hurt, i'm definitely not going to deny that. but i was angry too. i....i guess i needed a reason to leave." i let out a mirthless laugh, and he looks over at me.

"ava, you know that if my head was on straight, then i'd never say that to you, ever."

"i know." i nod, and take his hand. he locks his grip on mine, lacing his fingers through mine.

"i love you." he whispers, tightening his hold. he lets go, picking my soaking body up in his arms.

"your shirt.." i start to say, but he stops me.

"i'll be fine, i promise." he says, placing me down. he grabs a towel, and gently dries me off, even with my insistence that i can do it myself.

he raises his eyebrows as he pauses, his hands about to pull up my shirt to change. i nod, and lift my arms above my head as he pulls my soaked grey tee shirt over my head, and his face is level with mine when the shirt is all the way off.

"you're so beautiful, ava....." he whispers, kissing me softly. he breaks away, pulling off my shorts. he hands me new clothes to put on, grey sweatpants and a large black tee. i put them on, feeling much more relaxed in the comfortable clothes.

dan sits on the bed, and i can tell he's exhausted, his deep brown eyes drooping and hazy. i climb into bed, laying my head on his chest. he nuzzles his face into my hair, which by now is mostly dry.

when i know he's asleep, i say the four words i've been afraid to tell him for months, in the lifetime i've known him for.

"i love you, dan." i see his eyelids flutter slightly, and the tiniest of smiles lighting up his face.