Falling For Your Antics (Editing)

Chapter 38- Realisation

Once I was washed and in a fresh pair of clothes- one item being a hoody of Carter's, I walked back into his room from his ensuite bathroom and took a seat next to him on his bed. I sat in front of him, and both of our legs were crossed.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I asked, then a sweet sense of déja vû hit me as I remembered Carter had once said that very same line to me.

"I spoke to Veronica." He played with the drawstrings on his hoody. "It was pretty ugly, I was mad she never told me she was pregnant-." I involuntarily flinched when he said this, but he carried on. "And she was mad that I had just used her."

I stayed quiet, a nauseous feeling taking over me.

"I...I could have been a dad, Branwen."

Now I was the one being awkward, twiddling with my thumbs.

"Say something, anything. Tell me everything you've felt these last few months."

I shook my head no, looking down at the bed covers. No way did I want to open that dark flap in my mind that I had buried all of my anger and frustration and hurt. No way.

"Branwen?" He paused, then his voice sounded strained. "Look at me."

I reluctantly looked up, hiding any emotion in my face.

"I could have been a dad." Carter said slowly, looking like he was still registering that fact himself. "I messed up, I messed up bad."

I nodded, forcing myself to keep looking at him. If I looked away, I'd give away the fact that I was affected by this.

"Say something, anything!" He suddenly broke out, revealing how flustered he was. "We need to talk about this."

"What if I don't want to." I challenged, staring him in the eye. He shook his head, and in the corner of my eye he fisted the bed sheets.

"We have to, otherwise we can't move forward with our lives."

Our lives? As in separate lives?

"You know what, I was doing plenty of moving forward before you showed up today!" I snapped at him, then looked away.

Carter flinched, and I instantly regretted my words. He had calmed me down and protected me from Mason, how could I throw that under the bus?

"Tell me more." He said calmly, which pissed me off.

"Stop sitting there looking so calm with yourself. You fucked up bad and you made me feel ripped apart. Ripped apart, Carter! Just when I decided to go against all of my better judgements and gave my all to you, you ruined it! How can I trust again? You showed me I should have never listened to my heart." I grabbed a pillow and punched it, feeling extremely angry.

"Let it out." He encouraged, and all of my emotions shot out of every pore in my skin.

"You had unprotected sex when you were drunk! You got not just any girl pregnant, but River's sister Veronica! Then the next day you didn't even bother to call her, or text her. No, you didn't even do anything. Because that's who you are, Carter. You get what you want, then leave. You shag, and then you dash. Who the fuck does that?!"

I jumped off his bed and felt this overpowering drive to destroy something, anything. Carter moved to stop me, but before he could I grabbed an empty bottle of vodka and smashed it against the floor.

"That's my heart, you idiot!" I pointed frantically at the shattered pieces of glass on the floor, then moved on to another glass bottle.

"Branwen, stop-"

"No, you fucking stop! Stop hurting me!" I screamed as I swiftly smashed a bottle of beer, then another, and another.

"Do you know how much hurt I've had in my life? How much I've had to deal with?" I dementedly laughed. "First, my dad turned to alcohol from his PTSD. Second, he married a complete and utter bitch, who is just as keen on the drink as he is! Then, my mum marries a complete psychopath that wanted to rape me, landed me in hospital, and oh right! Tried to kill me not even 24 hours ago."

Carter was sweeping up the glass mess I was making in his hands and placing it in his bin, meanwhile I was destroying everything in my path I could find.

"He tried to kill me." I muttered to myself, sliding down one of his walls were a broken glass bottle lay. "Oh my god, Carter, he tried to kill me."

His head shot up straight away, and abandoning the glass, he came rushing over to my side and enveloped me in his arms. My sobs shook me so violently I couldn't breathe, and my chest constricted so tightly like a Boa was wrapped around my lungs.

"I, I can't even understand- what, why would he try to kill me? I never did anything to him, I don't deserve this pain, I-"

Carter rubbed my back as I rolled my head in his shoulder, completely losing my sanity. "I can't cope! I hate feeling like this, so destroyed, so helpless and broken."

"You're not completely broken if you can be fixed." He whispered in my ear, but I still continued to cry.

"Where would I even begin? How? What?"

Carter sat down next to me, carefully avoiding the glass, then pulled me onto his lap and cradled me like a baby.

"Don't worry about all that, Raisin Bran, that's my job."

I laughed, despite all the erratic emotions of despair I was feeling.

"I'm sorry I hurt you so much, even unintentionally so. I should have pushed to find out why you were so mysterious and dark in the beginning, right back to when I first met you."

My heart sighed in relief. All I'd wanted to hear all these months from Carter was an apology, how simple was that? Now that I'd finally gotten it, I felt an ounce of ordinariness come back to me.

"I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too." I brushed my wet hair back from the shower with my fingers out my face. "But I was glad you didn't push me, so many people have tried that with me before, and I have always felt I'm better off on my own so I kept it all to myself."

"But you don't need to do that, not now that you've got me. If I had known, I could have helped you sooner. I could have protected you, and stopped today from ever happening. You're not better off on your own, don't ever feel like you can't tell me something- even if it's the most stupidest things like cramps!" I laughed. "You'll never be alone when you're with me, we're a team."

Carter calmed me down, and although I was still shaking we went back to his bed and got under the covers to snuggle. I was lying into the groove of his large, muscular side, where I seemed to fit perfectly, and was drawing circles on his chest with my index finger when I looked up at him.

"We're fucked up, both in our own ways, but I love you."

"I love you, too."

In his strong, muscular, and tall presence, I felt safe. I'd always been one to resent the feeling of tenderness, or any emotional attachment at all. I had philophobia- it completely ruled my life and shook me to my core, but the fact I had missed Carter so deeply allowed me to realise I could learn to trust, to love, and to conquer my fears. When you find that one person who brings out the best in you, that's all that matters.