If Only...

Tattoos And Explanation

The tattoo machines sound had been overtaking the sounds. Alex, the artist, knew I was a silent sufferer. We just listened to music. Max just looked at his phone.

"Mind if I?" He showed me his phone.
"Go ahead babe?" I smiled at him.
"You two dating?"
"No Alex, I call him babe cause Max is too long." I chuckled. "Been together for a couple of weeks."
"Better takes good care of you." Alex chuckled.

Max just listened to our conversation as he filmed how I got tattooed.

"He does."
"Where are you staying lately?" Alex filled the needle with ink. "Never see you."
"I officially live in Milton Keynes, UK."
"Officially?"
"Yes, but most days are spend around the world and the place I call home is in Monaco, so.. "
"Dude, you a world traveler nowadays?"
"Work makes me travel." I winched as he started again. "So how's Nicki?"
"Guess she's alright, dumped her ages back. " He chuckled.
"So who's the unlucky girl now?"
"Well, no one."
"So famous for fucking around." I chuckled.

"Will this be the last one?" Max started the car.
"Doubt it."
"Jaden." He sighed.
"Max." I copied him.
"I don't need you to look like Lewis. " He muttered.
"Bet he'll be just your type."
"Just let me get used to it."
"I wasn't planning on getting another tomorrow."

The car ride was silent, no music on. My head resting against the window. The problem wasn't the argument, it was the fact that I loved the man behind the steering wheel. The fact that I did want to move in with him but also the fact that I didn't know if he loved me. That part of me was the hypocrite, he wasn't sure if I loved him but he still planned ahead. Maybe if I told him, I did love him. He would let me know that the feeling was mutual. Only problem there was, I didn't want to say it first.

"Babe, we're here." He patted my leg.
"Oh." The sound softly escaped my mouth.
"You okay?"
"Yes, zoned out, as usual." I smiled before taking off my seatbelt.

He nodded before following my movements. We got out and he opened the door after he found the right keys. Max noticed that I was slowly following him.

"Babe what's up?" Eyes filled with worry.
"It's nothing." I smiled at him, knowing he could see through it.
"Tell me." He grabbed my hand and lead me to the couch.

Making me sit down.

"Well.. the thing... " I stumbled on my words. "I... Shit.."

This was harder than I wanted it to be. What do I say? I need to say it, I've got to. I'll start at the beginning.

"Just say it.". Max squeezed my hands.
"I've been thinking." It was a start, a lousy one but still. "About us and."
"And?" He cocked an eyebrow.
"My mind is going in overdrive, so give me a few." I rambled, making sure he wouldn't interrupt my long pauses. "And I want... To move in with you, wherever you plan to. I do want this thing we've got going on. "Why couldn't I just call it a damn relationship. "What I think I'm trying to say is that-"
"I love you too, babe." He smiled at me, closing the gab between us.

I didn't say it first though.

"Where did you get your talent from?" My camera was filming as I sat at the back of the room.
"I think my dad." Max replied as I softly snorted. "Why you snorting?"
"I think it's from your mom, sorry Jos." I knew cameras were filming me. "Your dad maybe your hero and knows how to teach you certain things but your mom is a go-kart legend."
"Who are you?" The interviewer asked me.
"I'm his camera girl. The fact that you got your mother's personality is also influencing the talent." I shrugged as Max just rested his chin on his hand. "But to know how F1 works, the way you do, that's from your father."
"How did you figure all that out, miss?"
"Sophie has won more races than Jos ever did. Which is easy cause Jos has won a couple of go-kart races." My eyes scanned Max his face. "His mother has won more than Max did but it's not up to me to decide who he got his talent from, nor do I care. As long as he keeps pushing, it's all good."
"Why does everybody else think it's from is father?"
"Cause his mother never drove in a F1 car. She has done F3 but never made it to F1. She stopped doing what she loved to raise 2 talented children that she loved more." Max looked at me as the words rolled of my lips. "Let's get back to Max."

Max stared at me during dinner, he hadn't talked to me at all. He asked me why I was snorting, so I told him. Now I was getting the silent treatment for it. Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut. What was going on in his head. Ugh, this was worrisome and I didn't know how to deal with this. So I kept quiet.

'They're just the little lies we tel-'

"Hey Christian." I rubbed my face after the words left my mouth.
"You are all over the internet!" He yelled.
"I'm sorry."
"Why though?!"
"It just slipped..."
"Don't worry, keep it up." I got out of my chair and walked into the living room.
"I'm getting the silent treatment right now, I don't enjoy it!" I groaned.
"Give him he-"
"Ew Chris no, those words are not supposed to come out of your mouth!" Goosebumps formed on my arms, too disgusting.
"We need race babies."
"You're wife is pregnant so that's a race baby."
"Look whatever you and him are doing, it works. Keep it up, keep pushing."
"Breaking the boundaries." I mumbled before we bid our goodbyes.

I walked back to the table, noticing Max on his phone. Whatever we're doing, we had to keep doing it. But what were we doing? We would start living together, which meant I had to share what I didn't want to share. Materials I didn't mind but my thoughts these random thoughts. The emotions, my mixed up emotions. I had to share them and not all of them were positive. My eyes scanned the face of the man in front of me. How his eyes scans the screen of the phone, how he clenched his jaw. How his Adam's apple moved as he swallowed. How his lips twitched. The darn cap on his head, I wanted to throw it in the corner, grab his hair, pull it. Ugh, how I wanted him to hold me tightly and tell me not to worry so much. A sigh left my lips and he looked up. He noticed that my eyes were scanning over his features and yet no response. His eyes back to his screen as my heart clenched. Our relationship started with me wanting him dead, now he had me under his spell. Which ended us here. I was searching for a sentence, a sentence to stop this painful silence, any thing would work. My lip between my teeth, nibbling on it as I realised I was afraid to make a sound. I didn't even know if he wanted me to talk. His eyes moved across the screen again. Eyebrow cocking, slightly but enough to notice. Maybe just maybe I should just say...

"I.." Maybe not. "I'll go pack."
"That's it?" He snapped his head towards me.
"I.."
"Share your thoughts, you've been staring at me for half an hour."
"Which one do you want?"