Calling Dr.Smiles

Ⅳ.Ⅶ

→"You know those moments, when it's all silent? That's when I think about the most funniest vines ever."

SUNDAY 7:11

"I'm home!" My voice filled up the silent house. That was very unusual, at the least someone was making a mess or a commotion. Did mom tell Kurt? Or Iris? Or were they gone?

I took off my jacket, and ran up the steps to all the rooms. I opened Iris's room and it was as empty as a bottle of juice in this house. And then Kurt's, even though it seems that his bed is fixed. And then I went into my mom's room.

There they all were, even with Carina in the middle. They were talking, like it was normal, and they all had smiles on their face. "Hey Anna! Come look!" Kurt called me over, and I walked to where he was on the bed.

And there, on his little iPad was the funniest video on earth. It was of that girl who was dancing to Take On Me by that old band, and she was bopping her shoulders to the beat. And then she turned around and she just- had those sunglasses!

I couldn't contain my laughter, and neither could the rest of the kids.

After the whole funny video thing, we all parted ways. Kurt had gotten his bed fixed in the duration that I was gone. Which meant I was alone for the night. I took a quick shower and brushed my teeth, and collapsed on my bed.

I guess it all comes down to tomorrow.

☎ 11:59

"If anyone or anything is listening then I'd like to let you know that I'm not mad. I know it would be logical to be mad, and also to cry. But I just feel like, I haven't processed it yet. Like, I know that he's gone but I've already gone through that emotion. Of not having him around, and knowing he's probably never coming back." The words seemed to flow out of me like I was a poet. I didn't know why, but it felt good. 

"And now it's like, that feeling again. But more intense. He's really not coming back. And maybe it's just for now that it's not affecting me, and one day it'll hit me like a ton of bricks. I think that honestly I knew it inside of me that he wasn't ever coming back. Just not this way." I whispered to the empty white wall I've been staring at for the last hour.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to know what it all meant, and I knew that I was never going to get those answers. Never. 

I rolled over and reached for my phone that was charing on my nightstand. Unlocking it, I went to messages to text Pacer. I started typing, 'can I come over?'

Not a good idea. If I went over to his place, I'd only want to forget everything and I'd probably do something regretful. And I'm not in the mood for even more regrets. My finger tapped on the delete button until the words disappeared, and I started typing another message. 'can I call you?'

I hit send, and waited.

It was 12:09 in the morning- he's probably fast asleep-

My phone screen changed and I could see Pacer's caller Id coming up. I hit the green dial button, and disconnect ed the phone from my charger, placing it to my ear. "Pacer?"

"Anna?" He said groggily, like he was just sleeping. Great Anna.

"Were you sleeping? If you were I can call you back-" I start to tell him but he interrupts my train thought with his own words.

"I was just about to text you when you texted me."

I let out a sigh, and closed my eyes. "Pacer, is it bad that I wished I never heard that he was gone?" I asked him and on the other line I heard some moving,

"No, no one wants to hear horrible news like that Anna. What are you doing up?" He asked me in response and I didn't know how to answer. I just sat there, my fingers fiddling with the sheets. "Anna?"

"I was talking to myself. Or to God. Or to the almighty being. I don't know Pacer, I feel really lost right now. And I- I don't know. I always felt lost when he left. But now he's gone. Really, permanently gone." I said, and then after waited a few second for a response I heard the call end. I looked at my phone in disbelief.

What the hell did I do?! I set my phone down beside me, and furiously pushed my hair out of my face. How could I feel sorry for him? How could I not? He was my father. But he left. We had our good moments. But he walked out on the thousands of more we could have had. I love him. But he didn't seem to love me.

I felt a tear forming in my eye so I tried wiping it. But it was one of those tears that brought on more and more as you wiped them away. I had no way of stopping it.

"Anna?" I heard from my doorway and I shot up from my position in bed to se Pacer there in my doorway. He had on sweats and his hair was a mess, and his phone was in his hand. I didn't even have to ask, he just closed the door behind him and joined me under the covers.

We were both laying on our sides, looking at each other. He looked just as torn up as I felt, and part of me knew why. He didn't want it to be true either. "Just so you know, I didn't hang up on you on purpose. It was because I was getting into my car."

I nodded slightly, faking a smile even. "It's okay. Thanks."

"You don't 'have to think about it tonight. Let me worry about something for once, okay? Just shut your eyes. I'll be here when you wake." He said softly, placing his hands over my waist and pulling me closer to him. It took me a while to go to sleep, seeing as I thought my father was going to be here forever and he wasn't. "I promise."

It's funny. Under those covers, I felt like nothing could break us. I knew that he meant it, and that even when I go back to Brooklyn whatever we had here wasn't going to fade away. Me and Pacer Rhodes were going to last forever.

Because I think I could fall in love with him.