My Lighthouse

Nothing more, nothing less

Sheila looked at the ring on her finger. The feeling this gave her, made her sick to the stomach. Slowly she shoved it of and put it on her nightstand. She knew they loved each other so incredibly much. How was it possible he got second thoughts about marrying her? What happened during that show, that scared him of like this? Sheila had been through a lot in her life, but the feeling Mark gave her right now, hurt her even more, than the pain she had felt when Ian stabbed that horrible knife into her body. Her phone buzzed, she had missed a message. She grabbed her phone out of her handbag and opened the screen. Oh God, she whispered. Tears floated down her face as she suddenly couldn't hold on to it any longer and cried intensely. She turned her face around to put it into her cushion and screamed of the pain she felt inside. She put her phone on the nightstand next to her ring and cried herself to sleep.

Mark took of his clothes, which were soaking wet and stepped under the shower. Auch!! He said out loud. The water was boiling hot. How could she stand under a stream of water of this temperature? Oh Sheila, Mark moaned. Why do you punish yourself this way, when it is all my fault? Mark put the temperature down and enjoyed the water caressing his naked body. He took a deep breath and decided he would talk to Sheila about it tonight. He would talk to her first and then he would take her in his arms and tell her everything would turn out just fine. He didn't really know what happened at the Graham Norton show! He freaked out all off a sudden and he didn't understand why himself. Suddenly he got an awful feeling in his stomach. What had he done? Did she meant what she said earlier, by not marrying him on Christmas Day? Mark thought she only said it because she was upset. He turned of the shower. He couldn't wait any longer, he had to talk to her now, before she would take a wrong decision herself.

Oh no, Mark moaned when he saw the bed was empty. He opened the bedroom door and walked straight to the guest room, hoping she would be there. When he opened the door and saw her laying there, he was relieved at first until he noticed the ring on the nightstand. Mark grabbed at his chest. No Sheila, no! He whispered. He felt panic all over and tears came in his eyes. You can't leave me sweetheart, he whispered softly while he tried to catch his breath. I need you in my life. I can't live without you. I don't know why I got second thoughts. Please don't, please. But as he approached her and looked down at her, he saw she was asleep already. Her face was red and wet of crying herself to sleep. He hurt her more than anything and it broke his heart to see her this way. He wanted to take her in his arms and carry her back to his bed, but he couldn't. She went down here with the idea of being safe. Safe against him. Mark felt like throwing up by the words "against him". She had never been against him! Not once in all of these nine years. And now he needed her the most, he had hurt her the most as well.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at her. Even in her sleep, he could see the pain and the sadness on her face. He pushed away a wet string of hair when he whispered, Oh baby, I love you so much. I don't know why I got scared all of a sudden. But about one thing I am absolutely sure and that is, I want to share my whole life with you. Married or not married, I don't care. You bewitched me, remember? Oh baby, Mark cried all of a sudden. Please stay?! Mark stared at her but Sheila didn't respond. She was still asleep and didn't hear the way he whispered his desires and fears at her. Mark took her ring in his hand and pressed it into his skin when he made a fist. With his lips he kissed her ring and his tears fell down on her sheets. He felt completely lost and she hadn't even left his house yet. But he had to respect her wishes and not disturb her in her sleep, when suddenly her phone shined into the darkness of the room. He stared at her screen to see if it was Louis and what he had to say. He didn't know why he thought that, but he just looked on her phone. "Fertility research and total body check on the 12th of May, at doctor MacDiver, London's queen Elisabeth hospital", Mark read. He closed his eyes and hit his hands before his face. Oh my God. She wanted to try to fix her body, so she could give him a child of their own.
They were in China by then. Sheila probably didn't wanted to bother him with this research and surprise him if everything went fine. What would she say, if research pointed out that she couldn't have children? Who would be there for her, when things went wrong? She always wanted to protect him against the bad things in life and what did he do? He chickened out, when he had to be there for her instead. Just once in her life she had begged him to stand up for the two of them, without him realizing she did. He put the ring back on her nightstand, hoping she would change her mind the next morning. But the way he knew her until this day, she wouldn't.......

Mark woke up because of the sunlight shining in his face. He felt far from being sunny today. It had took him a long time before he fell asleep yesterday, not even to mention the pain and emptiness he felled inside now she wasn't here next to him. He hated himself for what he had done. Well more because of what he hadn't done. He jumped out of bed, to see if Sheila was still in the house. When he ran to the guest room, the door was already open and he could see she had already left. He ran down the stairs, afraid of not finding her there as well. Underneath the stairs, he saw her suitcase standing, ready to leave the house. Although the sight of it awfully hurt him, he was also glad she hadn't left without saying goodbye.

When he opened the kitchen door, Sheila just put the roasted bread on a plate. The breakfast table was ready. When he looked at her, he saw no expression at all. When she put a slice of bread on his plate, he noticed her ring was still off. He gently took her hand, but let go of it again after he saw the look on her face. Sheila please, he whispered. We need to talk. You can't just leave like this. Sheila frowned. I thought, you left me, she said firmly. You know the way I feel about you. I would never have had second thoughts about me marrying you. And I can't get your reaction of yesterday night out of my head. Especially after what I said to you, when I left the kitchen. You stabbed that knife into my body all over again yesterday. You should have jumped out of that chair and ran to me, to say that I was wrong. That you didn't have second thoughts. But you didn't ! You stayed in the chair drinking your whiskey. Hoping the alcohol would fade away your doubts. Or give you the strength to tell me, you bailed out. Sheila silenced and looked at him. Tears came in his eyes. I don't know what went wrong yesterday, but I do know I don't want to live without you. You are my breath, my heart and my meaning in life. She laughed. Your life doesn't mean a lot then, if you're scared to marry me, so you would know for sure you kept me into your life. I didn't ask you to marry me Mark. Sheila closed her eyes, thinking of that incredible night at the Guinness building. It had been perfect and she had never felt so good and so loved in her life. Her heart got torn apart and ripped out of her body to throw it away from her, as far as possible.

Within two steps, Mark stood in front of her and took her in his arms to embrace her intensely, but Sheila's arms stayed next to her body. She wanted to hold him and made love to him so badly, but she didn't wanted to be just his girlfriend anymore. She would have settled for that a few months ago. But now she wanted it all. The knight on the white horse, the wedding dress, everything. Mark took her face between his hands and kissed her lips so tenderly, she just couldn't resist anymore. She kissed him back and their passion got higher by the second, but this was not what she wanted. She knew their passion for each other was immense. She didn't doubt about that. She wanted his love. For ever. Softly Sheila tried to push him away from her, but Mark didn't wanted to give up on her that easily. Don't leave me, please, he whispered panting, while he sensually caressed her back and kissed her face, her neck, her ear.

Mark stop, please! Sheila cried. She hold his hand and with the other she caressed his face. I love you, you know that. And I know you love me, but I want to know if you love me enough to be your wife, without the idea is choking you. Passion is no problem between us, but "what about know" Westlife would sing, she whispered. Slowly she let go of him. It was better for her to leave now. I will see you tonight at the concert, but because we're going to Scotland after that, I won't return to London. I will stay at the hotel with the rest of the crew. She pronounced the word "crew" louder than the rest, to let him feel what she was for him now. A crew member, who would help the lads perform the best they could. Nothing more, nothing less. And as she turned around to walk out of the kitchen, the tears floated down her face. She was devastated, that he didn't answer her question again. Without looking back she took her coat, her suitcase and her car keys to leave the house and the owner whom she loved so incredibly much. The door closed behind her and she couldn't stop her body from trembling and crying while she walked down the street, towards her car to leave London until the 12th of May.....