My Lighthouse

Protect her from harm

Sick to her stomach and screaming of sadness inside, she smiled at him and kissed him for the millionth time. She had promised herself to be strong when Mark would step on the plain, but oh my God how difficult it was now. Softly his thumb followed the curves of her lips. They were a bit swollen of all the times he had kissed them already.
Although they were looking forward to their tour in China, two months away from home was a long time. He knew she tried to be strong for him, but that would change as soon as he would be out of her site. With his lips against hers, he whispered, I love you, please don't you ever forget that, okay? Sheila could only nod. It's okay to cry, sweetheart. He gently caressed her face and kissed the top of her nose. No it isn't, she answered with a squeaky voice.

Mark buddy! Are you ready? Shane softly hit his hand on Mark's back. Yup, ready steady go, he said more happily than he felt inside. He looked Sheila in the eye, who was still trying to do her best not to cry, when he suddenly grabbed her by her waist to hold her real tight, while tears fell down his face. We'll Skype every day, he whispered crying in her ear, as if that would be a comfort. But he realized nothing would, no matter what he said. He loved the performances with his best friends, but this part had become a real burden, since he fell in love with Sheila. Being single, made performing so much easier. Still, that wasn't the case anymore. They both had to deal with it, if they liked it or not. Come on pal, we really have to go now. It was Kian this time who rubbed his back while he was still holding Jodi's hand. Mark loosened his arms around her and saw how her face was wet of tears. Kissing her for the last time, he tasted the salt of her tears and felt awful about leaving her.

"Bye sweetheart, I love you", was the only thing Sheila could say, while their hands hold on to each other as long as possible, until they really had to let go. Tears were falling down her face, faster than before. She hated herself. She had promised herself to be strong for Mark. Instead, she failed on him and felt weak by doing so. The idea of not being able to touch or kiss him for more than two month, felt like ripping out her heart for that period of time. Sheila felt a hand, trying to take hers. She looked aside and saw Gillian standing beside her, crying. Oh, how much I hate this! Sheila cried and hugged her best friend. Gina and Jodi stood around them, feeling lost as well. Oh shit girls, Sheila said out loud and grabbed the three girls around her. She wasn't alone in her loss, that strengthens her. After a short time she said, let's get a drink, I can surely need one. Gina laughed, the best idea of this morning and she kissed Sheila on her cheek. We will make it together, she said softly. I am glad, I am not the only one with these feelings, Jodi smiled. Maybe it's not that bad if we can support one another? And that drink is a good start, Gillian laughed. They took each other by the hand and watched the plain taking of with the men inside, they loved the most. With tears in their eyes, they looked at one another. Okay! Let's get that drink ladies! Sheila said firmly. And we put it on Louis's bill!

Two weeks had gone by, but it felt like a month already. Sheila knew it would be different for the boys, because of their tight schedule and all the appointments they had on every single day. As hard as it was for her sometimes, to get through the day, the boys wished they had one day off by now. Sheila always had been around them, so she knew how it felt to be on tour. Maybe that was the reason, why she felt so lost now.

Today would be different. Today she had to go to hospital for her appointment. Because of the time differences, Mark had already wished her good luck in the middle of the night. With sleepy eyes she had sat before the iPad, trying to listen to what he had to say. Normally she sat downstairs on the couch to talk to him, even when it was that late, but because of her nerves she felt slightly sick and stayed in bed. Mark recognized their bed. Realizing she was in the bedroom, brought up a lot of nice memories. Sheila smiled when she saw the passion in his eyes. Wish I was there with you, he whispered. Are you alone? He teased her. No my boyfriend just left, Sheila smirked and silenced shortly, for two months .... Mark bit his lip and sighed. No sweetheart, just 1 month and two weeks to go. Sheila smiled and acted like she felt much better now he said that. Crazy woman, he grinned. I love you, he whispered. And don't forget to let me know how you're doing tomorrow, okay? Okay, Sheila lied. She kissed the screen, wished him lots of fun on their gig of that evening and pushed the button to end their conversation.
Oh shit stop it! Shiela said to herself when she felt tears coming up. She missed him more than she wanted to admit. She had said, she would tell him everything of the examinations, but she had already agreed to Louis's begging request, not to tell Mark the negative news, if she would get any. He was so many thousands of miles away from her. He would only feel bad, without being able to do anything about it. Sheila agreed on his request. It would be better if she didn't tell. Only the good news.

Christie was holding her hand, while the ultrasound stroke her belly. It felt cold and so did she. Sheila closed her eyes. She didn't wanted to see her past passing by on the little screen in front of her. She saw the damage the knife had left behind so many years ago. This was the part she feared the most. All the memories, she had hidden so wisely, came back like it had been yesterday. Although she had promised herself, not to let the past infect her future, she already knew she couldn't hold on to that promise. She felt Christie squeezing her hand and opened her eyes. Are you okay? She asked. Sheila pushed her tongue against the inside of her teeth and pulled up her shoulders. I don't know how I feel. Christie looked at her with a sad expression on her face. She knew her adopted daughter well enough to realize, she wasn't doing that well. With the back of her hand she caressed Sheila's cheek. There's nothing to say about the ultrasound yet, but I have to be honest that it doesn't look that well either. The knife damaged a lot, sweetheart. But I hope the X-rays can tell us much more about a solution. The doctor looked at Christie and nodded satisfied. I couldn't have said it any better. He looked at Sheila, not knowing if he could smile or not. This gave his face a slightly funny expression, as if he could cry any moment now. Sheila smiled. She wouldn't tell him why, but it sure loosened up the atmosphere in the room.

Mark looked at his watch. Sheila would be getting her x-rays right now. She had texted him that everything was going fine and she had to go into the X-ray device within an hour. It would take them three quarters of an hour and she would text him later, how things were going. Attached to the message, she'd send him lots of hearts and red lips. Oh, how he would love to feel her lips on his right now! He closed his eyes and tried to get some more sleep. Though thinking of Sheila's beautiful lips teasing his longing body, didn't help him to catch any sleep at all. It was even the opposite way around, so he decided a cold shower would be a better idea.

Sheila closed her eyes and listened to the buzzing sound of the x-ray device. It sounded sweet and in a way even hypnotizing, but she realized the machine had found the most awful diseases turning friendly around its patients. They had only put a blanket over her almost naked body, but she felt warm and sweaty. She wasn't aloud to move for three quarters of an hour, but after just ten minutes it felt like an hour already. The narrow space of the x-ray tunnel made her nervous. What would they see right now? She heard a strange sound, like someone turned on an old radio. Are you feeling all right? she heard a voice asking. How was she able to answer if she wasn't aloud to move? Moving her lips was a movement too. Again she heard the voice ask, Are you feeling all right? A bit dizzy, Sheila succeeded to tell them without hardly moving her lips. She heard the comforting voice of Christie in the background. A door opened.

Sweetheart, are you okay? Sheila wanted to get out of this awful machine and go home with Christie, to crawl into her comforting arms on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate. I am fine, she lied. I know you're not fine, Christie said. No one is in this machine, but you're doing really great sweetheart. Sheila couldn't ignore the scared tone in her mother's voice. So they did see something wrong! She knew it! Mum? Hmm yes, she heard Christie answer as if she was lost in her own thoughts. It's not okay isn't it mum? Please don't say that Sheila. They have just started and after that, they are going to examine all the pictures they're taking right now. You have to be patience, even if that's not your strongest characteristic. Sheila smiled, that's true. She silenced for a while when she continued with a whispering voice, "when this is over, may I go home with you? I don't feel well mum. "

Christie got an awful feeling in her stomach. Sheila never said something like this. She always wanted to show her, how strong she was. After all these years, Christie finally saw the little damaged girl laying in front of her. The little girl who lost her mother far to young. Who's father didn't bother to protect his little girl against the big and ugly world. The girl who got forced into a relationship which almost got her killed. The girl who found the love of her life and wanted nothing more than giving him a child of their own. Christie wished she could pull her out of there and hug her and tell her everything would turn out just fine. But instead she walked out of the room, while tears fell down her face. Sheila wasn't aloud to see her crying. She had to be strong for that little girl, who was her little girl now. A girl who physically turned into a beautiful woman, but mentally still was that girl who needed protection and someone to comfort her. Although Christie had seen, what she didn't wanted to see on that screen, she was determined to protect Sheila from harm and find a solution for the pain which would definitely come. Even if she had no idea how.......