Jonaxx Secret Files

To my fourth Revamonte

Real Life Jonaxx Boy/Girl
Experience
To my Fourth Revamonte,

"I met my Fourth Revamonte when I was in 7th grade and he was already a 3rd yr high school student. (Yes, hindi niya naabutan ang k-12 since we were the first batch of that program) Bagong lipat lang din ako nun sa school nila and hardly fit in since I knew no one there. Moving from a private to a public school wasn't as bad as I thought dahil para sa akin, the newer the environment the better. Mahirap lang talaga yung may mga naririnig akong lait tungkol sa akin na porket galing sa pribadong paaralan daw eh mayaman, maarte at masungit ka na. Instead of throwing myself a pity party, I chose to ignore all of their hurtful words and all of them, dahil alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ako ganung klaseng tao. Nakilala ko si Fourth noong one time na nag practice kami ng presentation sa bahay nila Juliet (not her real name-- bunsong kapatid ni Fourth) at naaalala ko pa kung paano ko siya sinungitan dahil ang lakas niyang mang-asar sa amin habang nag sasalita kami kunyari sa harap. Pinilit kasi siyang manuod ni Juliet at mag-obserba sa amin since he's older than us and may alam na siya sa mga ganito. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko napigilan ang sariling huwag siyang suntukin that day dahil ako talaga yung binabara niya sa tuwing sinasagot ko ang mga tanong niya .. I think he was mad at the thought that I just wouldn't give up .. that I kept on arguing and choosing the opposite side instead of fighting beside him. Kaya simula nung araw na yun ay kinukulit niya na ako sa school, pag nagkikita kami ay ngingiti-an ako nito ng nakakaloko o di kaya ay tatawagin niya ako sa malayo tas tatawa lang pag tinanong ko kung anong sadya niya.

He was persistent on annoying me that people were starting to get curious with what's between us. It was no surprise that they would though, Fourth is undeniably handsome .. moreno, matangkad, matangos ang ilong at may malakas na appeal. In short, he is a ""head turner"" just like Ripped's Pantaleon Revamonte .. but sadly I'm not like him nor am I close to Queen J's Freya Cuevas na lahat nasa kanya na .. that she is or was 'miss universe in the making' and I am not. You'd probably not notice me in a room full of people .. that's how plain I look (up until now I still couldn't figure out how Fourth looked at me like I was the only girl in that room) I am Freya in the sense of being academically successful and that daughter that always tries to please her family. Hindi naman sa matalino ako, pinipilit ko lang talagang maging masipag because just like Frey .. wala akong ibang ipagmamalaki sa parents ko kundi ang class rank/standing ko at grade expectations nila para sa akin.

As the weeks passed by, Fourth and I started talking since I was often at their house for group projects and all, taken also the fact that his little sister and I were bestfriends kaya halos lahat ng mga school works ay nagtutulongan kaming dalawa. Madalas din kaming mag kasabay ng uwian after school lalo pa at active ako sa clubs and he'd be at the basketball court either practicing with his team mates or just playing with his friends. Sa ilang buwang routine namin na ganoon ay mas lalo kaming naging close to the point na kilala na siya ng buong pamilya ko dahil hinahatid niya ako minsan sa amin. My family was okay with him since my grandparents know his family and their background, wala silang kontra .. basta aral lang daw muna ako. We were like that for months until he asked to court me and I turned him down .. simply because ayaw kong i-break ang trust ng parents ko, I promised them na focus lang ako sa studies and I personally viewed love negatively like it would only cause me trouble and it would just be a huge distraction to my goal(s). I was very honest about my feelings towards Fourth and he told me he understood my reason, he doesn't want to rush me .. kaya maghihintay daw siya hanggang sa ready na ako.

He did keep his promise, sa lumipas na halos dalawang taon ay hindi niya nakakalimutang ipaalala sa akin kung gaano siya ka-seryoso sa mga binitawang salita at kung gaano niya ako ka-mahal. Inaamin kong may mga araw na naisip kong sagutin nalang siya pero hindi ko ginawa, natakot akong baka pag naging kami na ay mawawalan na siya ng gana sa akin .. I wanted us to stay like that because it was the happiest stage of our relationship .. but having no label was harder dahil wala kang karapatan sakanya. He didn't made me feel that way though, and so was I towards him, he let me be possessive of him and I let him be possessive of me too. Fourth was very clingy and just remembering now how he'd intertwine our fingers or kiss my forehead randomly before still makes me blush. May mga nagaganap din na selosan pero nothing huge really .. may mga umaaligid lang sakanya pero di din tumatalab dahil siya mismo ang lumalayo. I know I'm selfish and I know it was wrong but what could I do? I was already deeply smitten by Fourth pero sabi nga nila, ""There is always an end to every story."" and our hapilly ever after started to fall apart when he was 3 months into graduating from high school and I was in 8th grade. Nag usap kami ni Juliet and she told me how their father was pissed last night dahil tinanong daw nila kung kailan si Fourth mag tetake ng entrance exam for college sa Cagayan (hrs away from our hometown) pero sabi niya ay dito lang daw siya sa malapit na college namin since he doesn't want to be far from me. Kinausap siya ng papa nila because he thinks it's not right that he's pausing his dreams for me .. he's choosing me over his future. Siyempre nagalit ako dahil naalala ko kung gaano niya kagusto maging Architect, yes we've talked about each other's dreams and he told me how he wanted to apply at his dream university kaya ganun nalang ang naramdaman kong konsensya at galit sa inasta niya sa harap ng pamilya nila. I confronted him about it and he was so furious that he wouldn't listen to me .. paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi that he would always choose me over everything, it was sweet pero hindi iyon tama. I did not do it because I felt embarassed towards his family for Fourth's sudden outburts and making me his reason to stay but I did it because I want him to be successful, I want him to make his parents proud and himself, I want him to be happy that finally may natapos siya and he's passionate about it. I pushed him away .. I pushed him to chase his dreams .. I pushed him to not choose me. Ilang buwan ko siyang pinagtakwil at ilang buwan din siyang bumabalik .. I was hurting and cried infront of him to stop already. Nung nakita niya akong umiyak sa harap niya at pinagsabihan siya ng masasakit na salita ay tumigil na din si Fourth sa paghabol sa akin .. akala ko magiging masaya na ako nun dahil finally, nagawa ko na ang misyon ko .. pero hindi ko inakalang masasaktan ako ng ganun .. that I could hear my heart shatter into tiny pieces. He was finally letting me go .. and as much as I want him to take me back, that would just make me look so stupid and my efforts go to waste. Ang sakit .. hanggang ngayon, masakit padin.

Almost 3 years have passed .. 3 years na puno ng panghihinayang at sakit. 3 years simula nung binitawan niya ako at pinakawalan ko siya. 3 years na puno ng ""paano kung .."" at ""sana .."". After kasi ng graduation nila ay nagpaka-layu layo nadin ako gaya ni Fourth, we (my family) traveled for 3 months since kakauwi lang ni Papa galing abroad. I've never heard anything from Fourth or his whereabouts after that. I left the Philippines that same summer too, I know .. it's unfair that I didn't tell him I was leaving .. it wasn't fair that I didn't just push him away because of his dreams but also because I was leaving.

Yes, Juliet and I still talk but we hardly do since iba ang timezones namin .. paminsan-minsan ay napag-uusapan namin si Fourth pero sinusubukan kong umiwas. Kahit hindi niya sinasabi ay alam kong galit si Fourth sa akin, I've visited his facebook but it's private .. tanging profile picture niya lang ang nakikita ko. Juliet rarely posts a family pic and the last image I've seen Fourth in was last year's Christmas, he's changed though, I must admit .. he looks taller and more masculine, pansin ko din ang bago niyang hairstyle. He was just happily smiling at the camera but it was more than enough to make me feel all sorts of crazy things in my stomach like it was my first time seeing him .. he looks genuinely happy and it made me realize that maybe what I did years ago was probably right. Maybe it was the best option .. maybe being away from him was the best for the both of us .. maybe we weren't just for each other.

Tanga na kung tanga pero umaasa padin akong hinihintay niya ako hanggang ngayon .. kahit naaalala man lang .. alam kong malabo pero hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa because this year I'm flying back to the Philippines .. Ilang buwan nalang and I'm finally going home. Honestly, hindi ko alam kung anong i-rereact ko kapag nagkita kami .. ni-hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sakanya .. all I know is 3 years have passed but my love for him still hasn't changed a single bit. Ni-hindi ko nga alam kung may girlfriend na siya ngayon or if he's already moved on .. silly me, baka matagal na nga siguro sila. Kahit gusto kong kalimutan nalang siya, may humihinto sa akin .. because something in me still hopes for him .. hopes for our second chance, nakakatawa mang isipin pero totoo iyon. Sa loob ng tatlong taon na yun ay madalas kong naiisip si Fourth, our happy days and his goofy smile still flashes on my mind lalo na kapag nalulungkot ako .. I'd remember how he used to hug me so tight and whisper in my ears how everything's going to be alright .. or how he'll always be there for me. But then I would realize that I've already lost him and he won't take me back after all i've done to hurt him .. kaya imbis na ma-comfort ako sa mga ala-alang iyon ay naiiyak na lang ako.

Fourth, if you're reading this .. please know that I am truly sorry and if you'd let me explain, I would. I loved you before, I love you until now and I will always love you. I know I've never said those three words to you and maybe you were right .. maybe I was a coward, maybe I was scared of falling, and I'm sorry for not taking the risk. I miss you Leon .. I miss you so much .. it hurts.

Sa mga kaibigan kong nag-encourage sa aking mag post dito at ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko, salamat. You guys know who you are.

To everyone reading this, please wish me luck sa pag uwi ko and thank you so much for taking time to read this. "

-thegirlwhocan'tbemoved