Savior

78

March 25, 2015

I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend Jack J's get together at a club tonight. Matt would be taking me but I was still getting the messages from the girls and it's been making my headache. Could this week get worse? I shouldn't be talking so soon, it always does.

Why is it so hard for me to ignore these?

Am I just equipped to be hurt the way I do?

Do I deserve this?

All the questions piled up in my mind and it didn't feel good. I slipped into my kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine, then heated up water in the kettle.

I downed the wine then poured myself another as I awaited my water.

Once it began whistling, I hopped off my counter and poured the water into my cup with a green tea bag. I poured another glass taking both my cups to the living room and plopping down on my love seat. I clicked through my channels until I decided to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I watched the show quietly, sipping the wine and tea.

Someone knocked on my door and I nearly jumped and dropped both cups. I groaned and stood, I set the tea down and walked over with my glass. I opened to reveal a happy Cameron.

My gut felt heavy.

I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Can I come in?" He asked. I nodded and moved over as he glided in.

He smiled at me then to the glass, "It's 10 AM."

I laughed, "Yeah well I don't care." He smiled, that beautiful loving smile, "I wanted to talk to you about us going public. I really care for you and since the hate hasn't happened in awhile I wanna get you on board with people knowing, more importantly, my fans." he grinned, he looked so happy, I wanted to cry, "And," he smiles, grabbing my waist, "I want us to do a live stream so we could-"

"I don't want that." I blurted.

I wide-eyed looked at him as he stared at me. "What do you mean?" He asks.

I bit my lip and rubbed my forehead, "Nothing."

"You're kidding, right? You just yelled at me that you don't want our relationship." He fusses. "I mean the knowledge of us. I can't." I wept.

"We can't keep dating without telling them. They deserve to know the girl I'm in love with. I don't want to lie to them, I can't-do that to them." He explains

"What about what they do to me?" I hissed.

He gulps hard, "What? What are you even talking about? You want them to like you right? How could you not want that? You did it for Matt, what's the difference with me?"

"This isn't about him, Cameron," I yelled. He turned around with his hands on his hips, "I just don't see why. Why do you block me out? I want to help but you're always making me look bad."

I knew it hurt him so much in this situation, but it hurt me too. Couldn't he understand that?

"Jas." He pleaded. "Answer me."

"What do you want me to say, Cameron? That- That it's okay for them to call me out of my name? Or that it's okay they want me dead?" I huffed.

"No fucking way, why would I want you to say that?! I want you to tell me the truth. Why don't you want to go public with me? You don't love me?" He asks. "I do. So much. But I don't want that publicity." I cried out.

"You're always doing this. Stop fucking with my heart if you're not all in it." He yells. I wince and grab my hair in my hands, I'm so frustrated.

"Tell me!" He yells again.

"Stop yelling!"

"No." He yells again. "Tell me how you fucking feel!" He yells more.

"Because I'm getting hate still Cameron. Your so-called lovely fans want me gone. They fucking hate me. Why? Well, I don't know. But they do. Unless you want to come over one day and find me in a pool of blood then shut the hell up because I don't want that." I screamed.

Cameron's jaw clenched as if holding back tears. (gif)

"How-" he calms himself, "How am I supposed to know this if you never tell me shit. I don't want to date you if it means you're hating yourself everytime you check your social media. If it fucks you up so much, don't go on it. I don't want you to walk around insecure because I'm too selfish to let you go either. I'd be too selfish to keep you from being who you're supposed to be. If you need to leave this relationship for a better you, do it. I'm always going to stand by you. Always because that's what I'm for." He cries.

"I don't want that. I want you." I cried.

His eyes watered and reddened, "Then I'll do it. I want to be selfish right now because I don't want to lose you as a lover but it's better for you." I looked at him, "You can't."

"But I will baby, I love you but I can't have you constantly hurting yourself because of me." He says.

I sniffed and looked down, "I- I know... But-"

He picked my chin up ever so lightly and pressed his lips to mine. I hugged his shoulders tightly then looked at him before kissing him harder.

I love this man. More than I could ever explain. He can't possibly ever fully know how much I do. I don't always know how to express it.

But I do know he'll forever be my best friend and I can deal with that.

After a few hours, it was still pretty bright outside. I had to start getting ready for Jack's get together.

I was single, I didn't quite know what that meant right now.

*****

After I showered, I sat thinking about Cameron...he left and I couldn't say anything except bye. It still made my heart ache because I wanted us to work no matter what.

Sometimes the world doesn't give you want you to want, sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't mean that you should ever give up. Love is a curious thing, love is a hurtful thing, love is when you put someone else's needs before your own.

And yes, you can quote me on that.

I know Cameron loved me, I know I loved him. He picked me for me, how many can say that? I was happy I got a chance with such an amazing person. No way in hell was that a regret.

Yes, the relationship was short but I wouldn't change it for anything.

"You ready?" Matt asks, interrupting my thoughts.

I smile.

I wasn't for sure if it was the end of me and Cam, but I wanted to find out.

As I rushed through the crowd of people Johnson came into view, I smiled at him. "Where's Cameron?" I shook my head, "I wouldn't know." He shurgged at me and laughed, "Well drinks are over there have fun Jas."