A New Beginning

Chapter 4

Orion -

It's been a week since I've seen my Shi. I have not held him in my arms, felt his baby soft skin under my fingertips, tasted him with my lips and tongue and I am quickly losing my mind at the solitude he has sentenced me to. I can hardly breathe anymore as each day passes without him by my side. He has completely shut me out.

I have not bothered to go see his grandmother because to have her involved is to invite a war I know I have no hope of winning. He is her sole heir to her empire and is fiercely protective of him. If she knew what I did I would never see him again and I have to see him.  My eyes ache for the lack of sunshine I would feel on my face as he would smile at me. I need to hear his voice as I fear of going deaf without that melodious sound in my life.

I have pretty much holed myself up in our condo hiding from everyone and it is a disastrous mess. I don't care much about anything as I continue to lose the will to live my life as each day passes without Shi. 

I look at myself in the mirror but not for long. I can't stand the sight of myself.  I feel such intense shame and hatred at what I've done and my own reflection disgusts me.  I look like I am knocking on death's door and the Grim Reaper is about to open it.

I have been delegating the duties of my business from the condo. If I go into the office I know there will be questions that I have no answers for.  All people have to do is catch sight of me to know something is very wrong. I have also ignored my friends. My only family is, was Shiloh and now I am completely alone.

I have now taken to drinking, something that never appealed to me since my parents were killed by a drunk driver many years ago. Right now it's my only source of a pain killer as it dulls the senses briefly but soon I will run out and will need much more.

I never knew pain until he left. I never appreciated fully just what I had.  I know I hurt him so deeply if he left the way he did and I don't think there will ever be a way to make this right. It's a shame that it took for him to leave in order for me to see that I never knew just what he meant to me until now.

He has terminated his cellphone service and has not used any of our credit cards or accounts so there is no way for me to have him tracked down and this isolation is taking me down a dark path. I am at my wits end and am no closer to finding him. I need to explain to him. How do I explain what I did? I don't even know that answer myself.  Why I felt compelled to seek comfort in another mans arms when the one I had at home was meant solely for me.

All I know is that Shi let me get away with everything and maybe this made me a bit cocky. I made any and almost all of the decisions involving our day to day life. The kind of trust he put in my hands was so precious and I shattered that trust and am trying to come to terms with living a life without him.

He is my everything and yet I felt like I was missing out on new experiences. I should have known better. I see now that I took him for granted and now I am paying a hefty price. I wanted to curse Ivan out so bad when I first went to my doctor the day after Shiloh left.  But I only have myself to blame.

He sat there and preached how he wanted to be with me only and how could I deceive him by pretending to be a single man and in the end, he was cheating on me and because of that, not only did he give me an STD but passed it on to my innocent and pure husband.

I am getting the treatment I need for it but at this point I figured if I contacted Ivan to tell him off, he would have used my situation as an excuse to see me since he tried to contact me after I ended things with him. I never want to lay eyes on him again. I blame him for everything. Don't get me wrong, I know what I did was wrong. I know I am at fault but so was he.

For now, I am just trying to determine how much alcohol it will take to make the pain lessen. Even when I sleep all I do is dream of him in my bed, in my arms, wrapped around my body using me as his pillow and of what we truly had. There seems to be no end to my torment and no clear resolution for the foreseeable future.

All I can do is close my eyes and dream of his smell, his smile, his skin, his breathtakingly beautiful eyes. I can almost hear his giggle when he is supremely happy. My fingertips remember the softness of his skin. I can almost feel his fingers glide down the side of my face when we lay in our bed just cuddling for no other reason and he just can't help himself.

I remember the way his lips feel against mine in either a delicate peck or a passionate one that always leaves us both breathless and ready for so much more.

I let myself fall deeper into this dreamlike state where only he and I exist until there is nothing but me, him and us surrounding my consciousness.