A New Beginning

Chapter 6

Orion –

After a month of nothing, I have now run out of the haze inducing elixirs I have imbibed almost non-stop. It's the only way I can even function just a little.  I have given up all hope of ever getting Shiloh back let alone seeing him. As with all alcohol, my judgement has been impaired and I have made the decision to go pay a visit to my local spirits shop for some much more needed tonic.  I plan on buying enough to keep me indoors for the next few months.

I have waited for the veil of night to come down so I can have some anonymity once I hit the streets. I have effectively avoided my friends and will continue to do so as I just don't want to deal with their crap. Once it was obvious that I was not answering my phone, the visits began shortly after.

Brian, a long time friend of mine and Shiloh's was the first one brave enough to come knocking on my door but I ignored him. I could still hear him shout, "Ori I know you're in there. I don't know what the fuck is going on but I will not let you get away with this behavior for much longer!"  I felt bad for not letting him in but facing the reality of what I did is not something I'm prepared to do with Brian or anyone right now.

I heard him eventually stomp off. Well it seems that even though he has left me, Shiloh has not really divulged the details of our separation to anyone. I'm not sure what that means. I am scared for him. What if my actions have led him to do something dangerous? My baby is fragile at times and what I did to him could be the push that sends him over that cliff.  I would die if that ever happened which is why I need to know that he is at least alive.

So here I am in the living room attempting to find my car keys so I can make this quick trip and come back to oblivion. God this place is a mess. There is trash everywhere.  Opened half eaten food containers as well as old food just lying around and it smells rank in here too.  Maybe I should not have canceled the maid service in my attempts to just be left alone. I'm going to have to pick all this shit up eventually.

In the corner of my lazy chair, I spot some crumbled up pieces of paper. All of them are failed attempts at writing a letter to Shiloh and trying to express my deepest regret and sorrow at his departure. There was a lot of groveling and begging in there as well. I figured that if I sent a letter to his grandmother's residence, eventually it would get to him but my fear of her reading it first stopped me from going any further with that idea.

I look a little deeper into the cushion and HA, I found them. Now I can finally leave this place after almost a month and get what I need so I can hole up for the foreseeable future or until Shiloh decides when he is ready to see me. It's in his hands and I'll wait forever if I have to.

I get up but have to hold on to the side of the chair as I am really dizzy and pretty off balance right now. I have a moment of doubt as to whether I should go or not.  Then I think of the possibility of being sober and there's no way I can handle that right now.  If I go really slow I should be okay. The store is only a few blocks away and walking is out of the question.

Somehow I make it to the garage and get into my car without much incident. After turning the engine on, I take a breather and gather myself so I can concentrate on the task at hand. I need to get to this store. I refuse to pass a single day sober with the knowledge that my life is ruined.  That I've ruined the best thing that I ever had in my life.

It takes me the better part of twenty minutes to get my shit together long enough to make this trip. As the great saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men go awry, and mine could not have gone more wrong!

My vision is a bit blurry and I try to focus on the road in front of me. I should have known better than to take this risk but I don't care anymore. I am pretty sure that I have sunk into a deep depression and the only thing that can save me is Shiloh and he is gone.  Without him, I am nothing.

I make the mistake of thinking about him and just like that, the tears begin to fall. Already having blurry vision, the tears make it almost impossible to see the road in front of me. I make the monumental error of looking around in the car for something to wipe my face off with and the next few minutes change my life forever.

Becoming agitated with not being able to find something to clean my face off with, I put more pressure on the gas pedal than I wanted to and as if in slow motion, I look up just as a couple of people go to cross in front of me. On pure instinct I swerve away from them in an attempt to avoid hitting and possibly killing anyone and my speed increases with this action.

Before I can react in the blink of an eye I slam head first straight into a tree and the force was so strong that I knock part of it down onto the side of a ditch that is down a few feet. At this point, all I hear is ringing. I can't seem to hear anything else and I'm pretty sure that my vision is now blurring with what looks like drops of blood.  I must have hit my head but I just feel so weird and everything is hazy.

Too late I realize that I am sliding down the tree and free falling into this ditch and the last thought is, I'm so sorry baby. I never meant to hurt you but maybe it's better this way. Then as I feel the pressure of crashing down to the ground, it all goes blank.