A New Beginning

Chapter 5

Shiloh –

Well it only took her another two days but here she is. My Gran is a force to be reckoned with. I should have known better that to ignore her calls but I just couldn't speak to anyone. Two weeks have passed since I left my husband and after days of trying to sober me up and getting the cleaning staff to put her beautiful beach home back together again, the fog has been lifted and I know she wants to know what is going on but the pain you can clearly see on my face stops her in her tracks.

She comes up next to me and sits down on the beautiful old fashion swing she had specially made from a local craftsman who's famous for his creations. It's so posh and comfortable that back when I was a child, I used to fall asleep out here right on this swing to the sounds of the waves cresting on the beach.  It's one of my favorite places.

I continue to look out to the ocean as she begins to swing us to and fro. Somehow she knows that all I need right at this moment is her calming presence. "Sweetheart, I know something is wrong. For now, I will not pry. When you are ready, I am here patiently waiting with open ears."

I look at the most amazing woman who means so much to me and I can't help the tears that begin to fall effortlessly down my face. "Oh, Shiloh!" she says as she wraps her arms around the top half of my chest.  I now find myself buried in her chest trying to let go of some of this heart wrenching pain.  I don't know how I will be able to overcome this.

I feel like such a failure. The doubts are starting to creep into my mind driving me insane and all I can really think is Why was I not enough for him? I know deep down inside I shouldn't think like this but I just can't help it.  I should have been enough!

I feel myself calm down a bit as my Gran shhs me while caressing my hair. "I have no clue what is going on Shiloh but I do know that it has to do with Orion or he would be here with you at this time. Right now my main concern is your health and what you did, drinking yourself into oblivion was a reckless and selfish thing to do.  What if something had happened to you?"

I give her an incredulous look of disbelief. "Now, now, I am not trying to be crass but yes you were being selfish. What if you had done serious damage to yourself and eventually I found you in a catatonic state or worse, dead. I would shortly follow you baby boy because you are my future. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?" "Yes Gran, I am sorry for my behavior over the past few days. Just please give me some time, I just can't talk about it right now." "Okay Shiloh!"

We spend the rest of the afternoon just swinging aimlessly in a sort of lazy haze. Eventually the staff brings our afternoon meal and although I nibble here and there, I try to appease her by eating something. I know she will not let me get away with neglecting myself for any reason.

I look over at the beauty that is my grandmother. I am the spitting image of her as was my mother. I never knew her or my father as she died giving birth to me and to hear my Gran say it, my father died within weeks of her passing of a broken heart.

Gran has been everything to me. She raised me and along with the help of Orion's parents, I am the byproduct of their hard work. I miss them as well. When they were killed the pain cut very deep as I felt their loss and the devastating pain Orion experienced as well.

There I go, thinking about him again. Will I never be rid of him?  The moment he enters my mind my heart starts to flutter with brief excitement and then is immediately followed by the gut wrenching ache I feel within my soul. I have no idea how to move on. I know that eventually I will have to come face to face with him and I pray I am strong enough to endure.

Even with his betrayal, I miss him so deeply that sleep just doesn't come at night. It's like I have no clue how to exist without him by my side.  I've never had to exist without him.  I keep questioning my decision to leave him but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. How can I ever trust him again?

I must have lost myself in my thoughts as I am brought out of them by the clearing of my grandmother's throat. "Sweetheart, I want you to know that we can stay here as long as you need. There is no rush. You know I can work from anywhere and right now I just want to keep my eyes on you."

"Okay." "Why don't you go and take a nap. You could certainly do with some rest." I get up and come over to her and bend down and place a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you Gran!  I love you very much." She smiles up at me while squeezing my hand and then I go to my room to attempt the impossible. 

Being sober is bringing to light the situation I find myself in.  The reality of my new life is frightening with so many unknowns.  When I look at my bed all I can think is, who wants to close their eyes when all you see is the love of your life's image and the knowledge that he broke your heart!