Never Forgotten || l.p (au)

Chapter 18

Bulimia. I have bulimia. Of all the things that I could have done to myself, I choose to give myself an eating disorder. Jesus Christ, I just get more and more pathetic each day.

Dr. Wence went on and on about it. 'It isn't your fault', 'you'll get better', 'you're gonna get through this.' Yeah, right. Maybe if I'm lucky enough I'll become too ill and die. Fingers crossed.

"Liam, we need to talk." Dr. Wence just then walks into the room, that I've been waiting in for the past 30 minutes, and takes a seat in the small rolling chair that was sat in front of a computer. I didn't want to come today, but he called me and told me I had to. Man, I hate doctors.

"How have you been? In general, I mean. How are you handling Destiney's situation?" He asks in a friendly tone, smiling at me as if everything in the world was okay.

I shrug, frowning at the ground. I feel lonely without her. I've had this feeling for 3 years and now it's only getting worse. I get sick to my stomach knowing she can't get up everyday, enjoy life, and be happy. I feel such a strong hate towards myself for letting all of this happen. I feel a deep dark sadness from within me and it's starting to control my life.

"Liam..have you had any thoughts of suicide? Or..or attempted?" He then asks, the smile that was on his face before vanished completely. I hesitate a bit, not sure whether to answer his question honestly or not, before slowly nodding my head. I've had more than enough thoughts. I haven't attempted, but the idea has come to mind.

"That's what I predicted.." He mumbles to himself, writing something down. "And um, how is your outlook on life, Liam? Are you happy?" I immediately shake my head no. Happy. That word has lost it's whole meaning to me. It's been so long that happiness seems impossible.

"Depression." I hear Dr. Wence say, and look up at him, not sure if I even heard him correctly. "You're depressed. That's why you've had these thoughts, that's why you've had trouble eating, that's why you're unhappy. You're depressed and it's slowly destroying you."

I thought up so many things that could have been wrong with me and the reason behind the way I am, but depression is the last thing I would have guessed. I thought maybe I was extremely ill, or I was just too sad to do anything..but I guess those put together are basically the same thing as depression. What have I done to myself?

"I think you've had this for quite a long time actually." He's right. Ever since that night I left Destiney 3 years ago, I haven't been the same person. But with all of this happening now, it's taking it's full affect. And I don't know how to help myself get better.

"You're not as bad as you could be, Liam. Trust me, I've seen sadder people than you. You're just in a rough part of your life right now and it's a lot for you to take." He says, giving me a sort of hopeful smile. I think about it for a moment, listening to his words. Maybe he has a point. Maybe I can get better, and I won't get any worse. I small smile creeps onto my lips, surprising both Dr. Wence and I a bit. Things will get better.

"Liam," He pauses, thinking for a moment. "I'm gonna send you to therapy. Just once to see if it helps you. And it will be your choice if you want to continue going afterwards." I nod an 'okay' and watch as he brings his mobile phone from his pocket and dials a number.

"Yes, hello? It's Dan Wence, um I have a young lad here that would like to make an appointment with you." I have to go to therapy. Because I'm depressed. I really hope this therapy thing works, because I just want to be happy again. After a few minutes Dr. Wence says, "You're gonna visit Mark on Friday, alright?"

I look out the window watching a little boy running out of the hospital doors, his nose red from the cold and a massive smile spread across his face as his mother tried keeping up with him. I used to be that happy, I didn't have a single care in the world. But now it's all faded away and the more I think about it, the less hope I have for things getting better.

~*~

Let me tell you, therapy isn't fun. You sit in a room with a man and he talks to you the whole time. The worst part of it? The topic is yourself. "Alright, Liam." The man says with a smile, "I'm Mark. Nice to meet you."

I nod a hello in response, meeting his gaze for a short moment before returning mine to the floor. "Dr. Wence told me you haven't been speaking. Is that correct?" He asks in a soft, yet straight to the point voice. I nod my head in agreement, along with a sigh.

I can already tell that this isn't going to be very helpful to me. I can't talk-I won't talk about anything, which makes things harder for Mark I'm sure. And even if I were to talk, it doesn't change anything. I won't be surprised if Mark eventually gives up and tells me I'd be better off dead. I mean, wouldn't I be anyways?

"Do you mind if I ask you a few questions and you can write your answers down on this sheet of paper?" He then asks. I glance down at the small table in front of me seeing a piece of paper and pens that I hadn't seen when I came in. I take a pen from the table, uncapping it, and hold it to the paper waiting for Mark to begin asking me his questions. 

"Yes, there we go. Okay, I'm going to start off simple. What's your favourite colour?" He's got to be kidding. I write it down anyways, then wait for the next question. "Alright, where were you born?" I write out the word 'Wolvermampton' in large, easy to read letters. 

"Ah, Wolverhampton. Very nice city." He says with a warm smile, but it wasn't making me any happier. "Right, on to more important things. Now if you start to feel upset or ill, let me know and we'll stop. Okay?" I nod an okay (nodding is literally all I do anymore. I wonder how annoying it gets). 

"When did all of this start? Like eh, how long have you felt unhappy?" He asks and I write 'Since August 16th, 2010' and turn the paper for Mark to read. "Did something happen on that exact day?" 

Instead of writing anything, I nod my head. The day I left Destiney, along in her house, heart broken and damaged. "Can you tell me what happened?" I hesitate a bit, writing a few words down then scratching them out again. Finally I begin writing, explaining what had happened.

As I write, I feel anger rise inside of me along with pain. Tears lined my eyes and I shake my head, wadding the paper up into a ball. I stand up from the sofa, feeling a sudden pain in my stomach. Although I feel the same pain every day, I can't get used to it. Dr. Wence told me it was from not eating right. 

"Liam!" Mark calls, but I was already out the door and running down the hall towards the bathroom. I'm not gonna make it, I'm not gonna make it. I tell myself as I'm running. Fortunately, I make it into the bathroom just in time and spent the next 5 minutes bent over the toilet. You'd think I'd be used to this kind of thing by now, but it only seems to get worse each time. 

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Hey hi hello :) Okay i know this is sad to think of liam this way, but remember its only fiction lol and he's gonna start getting much much better soonnnnn ! I hope you enjoyed please vote and comment what you think! Thank you to those that still read this, there's maybe like 3 of you. ily all tho bye x