Garrix & Me (Martin Garrix Fanfiction)

Chapter 36

Martin's POV

"The rest of your orientation is as follows- today we will be touring the campus so that you can all get an idea about where your classes will be and that sort of thing. Tomorrow you will all meet here for a talk from Dean Reynolds and the day after there will be a short seminar highlighting the rules and expectations that Bentley University requires of you as our students," the woman walks around the bottom of the lecture theatre dressed in in a black suit.

"Now if you will, let us begin and..."

The woman's voice trails off as my head slumps onto the wooden desk in front of me. I can't bloody deal with her or this auditorium filled with people I don't even care to socialize with.

My mind drifts back to last night. Her rambling on about what I thought of everything that's going on. I don't know if I know what's going on, and I don't think I can figure it out. All I know is that somehow she makes the guilt go away. The guilt from everything that's happened. It's as if she knows me without actually knowing me. And I fuck up every chance with her because I'm an idiot. I'm the biggest fucking idiot on this planet.

I had to find some way of getting out of explaining how I felt because I don't think I could have found the words without revealing what a fuck up I actually am.

Maybe she'll understand, though. Maybe she'll find it in herself to understand what happened if I do tell her.

Wait what the fuck am I talking about? I can't tell her. I can't tell her shit.

But the thought nags at my sanity. I haven't spoken to anyone about that night. Or the night after. Or the months after. It's not something I want to remember. There are holes, big black holes that are shot in places of my memory where I know I would kill myself for remembering what should be there instead.

If I told her, how would she react? She'd probably run all the way back to that shithole of a town she calls home. She's lived a cushy life with everything she could ever ask for - parents that give a fuck about her, friends that are still her friends after 18 damn years.

Me? What do I have? Nothing. I have nothing and nothing hurts more than knowing you have everything but nothing at the same time. When 'Animals' made it big and all the shit went down to get me signed to Spinnin', I thought that was it for me; that it was all going to be my life and I thought I loved it. I thought I loved the parties, getting drunk, different girls that I could pick and choose from, to fuck every night. I thought I liked that life. The only thing that kept me from completely ruining it was the music. But now, I don't have that and it feels like shit. Worse than shit, it feels like everything I've ever worked for has been for nothing because I've never had anything to begin with.

So once again, I found a way to avoid explaining the mess that's within me. If I had to tell her how I feel about her.. I don't know how I feel dammit.

I don't know how to feel.

"There's a bonfire tonight, if you wanna come," Kyle, the boy from the sound engineering club, says, as we push our way out of the crowd.

The tour was shit and I didn't pay attention.

"Where is it?"

"Down at the barnyard, but out on the fields. Opposite the multi - purpose centre?" Michael replies.

"I don't know the place but I'll find it," I shrug.

"Yeah, a few of us are heading down to Macy's Grill before we leave, wanna come?" Michael asks as we reach the front gates. He winks at a girl as she saunters by and she rolls her eyes.