Frozen Heart*Eric/Divergent*

41. Monsters

Can you love somebody, even if you don't know them completely?

I knew he was hiding things from me

He probably always would, no matter how much I tried to get him to open up to me

But who am I to talk?

I had secrets of my own, important and dangerous secrets

Secrets that could put me and the people I cared about in danger, even killed

Maybe we were meant to always be separated by an invisible wall between us

"You haven't said a word since we got back" Eric said as we both sat down at his kitchen table, facing each other

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to say" I breathed "I don't know if I should be angry at you or appreciate the fact that you actually told me the truth about you. At least one truth about you"

I kept my eyes on my hands that were rested on the cold surface of the table and sighed

"I guess you should be a little bit of both"

"Do you know what your mother is planning?"

"Sarapahine-"

"Do you want this to work?" I cut him off, finally looking up at him

"You know I do,"

"Then you need to talk to me. I don't care how bad things are going to be, I just want you to be honest with me" I stood up and walked next to him, crossing my arms in front of my chest

"It's not that easy-"

"Are people gonna die?"

In my response, he looked down at his hands as if he couldn't meet my gaze

"She wants us to kill the Abnegation leaders"

"There are no leaders in Abnegation" he looked up at me but stayed silent

"I kept you in the dark because I don't want you involved in this"

"I already am,"

"Saraphine-"

"Enough!" I raised my voice without intending to, making him stand up as I took a step back

"You don't understand, If I tell you, if I just let you in on this, you will know"

"Know what?"

"Know that I'm the monster everybody already thinks I am, you will hate me"

"I will hate you even more if you lie to me again, understand?"

He nodded "Erudite are developing a serum... A mind control serum."

I raised an eyebrow "For who? The people in Abnegation?"

Eric shook his head and sat down, putting his hands on his face as if he was trying to hide from me

"No. It's for the Dauntless. It's a way for us to keep the Conscience of our members clear, but still do what needs to be done... with the Abnegation problem,"

I felt like somebody had shot me

I couldn't trust myself to stay standing, so I got back on my chair

"Do you really think that the Abnegation deserve this?"

His hands fell on the table "My mother thinks so-"

"I don't care what your mother thinks," I spat

"The Abnegation are not selfless, Saraphine. They take advantage of the rest of us and our factions, they have been doing it for years now... Somebody needs to stop them."

I rested my elbows of the table in front of me and put my face in my hands

"Is there proof?"

"Yes,"

Regardless of the so called 'truth' about Abnegation, killing  people couldn't be the only solution

"How many people?"

No answer

"Eric, how many people need to die?"

I looked up at him

He wasn't looking at me, his eyes were glued on his hands in front of him

"No, no, no- There are kids there, Eric! Innocent people!" I felt anger rise within me

"The ones who give themselves up, will be spared and imprisoned. Kids will be guided to safe houses in other factions," he muttered

I felt a tear fall down my cheek and brushed it off quickly

"So we will-"

"Not us Saraphine. The leaders won't take the serum." he extended his hand for me to take and waited

I closed my eyes, trying stop myself from letting more tears fall

"You were right. I now see you for who you really are... And I cannot even look at you without being angry with myself for even thinking you were more than this" 

I opened my eyes, letting the fresh tears fall

He slowly pulled his hand back, looking down

"Please tell me that you don't really want to do this, Eric." my desperation took the best of me

I couldn't loose him, even if he was who he was 

But I needed confirmation, something to grasp on, something to keep me going

"I love you, " he looked up "I love you more than anything I've ever loved,"

I hated him for saying it and I hated myself for loving him too

"Then don't go along with these plans." I stood up, walking around the table to stand in front of him

"Please, think of what is right," I took his hands in mine and waited, and hoped

"If I don't, there will be hell to pay. Not only for me, but for our faction and for you. If I don't agree with my mother's plans, I will be sentencing a lot more people to their deaths. I am willing to do this, to take part in something cruel to create a better future for our faction, a future where you and I can be honest with each other. This future is only possible if I do this, Saraphine. And you need to accept it, too. I chose this faction... because I truly believe in Dauntless. I will not let it go down in flames,"

"So you'd rather kill people?"

"If that's what it takes to keep us all safe, then yes"

"But Eric-"

"Even if I did not agree with their plans, the alliance with the Erudite has already been formed, and every leader is on board. Now you have to agree with these plans too. We can't change what is going to happen-"

"All the leaders? Even Joyce?"

"Joyce was the one who encouraged most of the leaders who weren't sure,"

I let go of his hands and took a step back

"So, there's nothing we can do to stop this," 

He stood up "Saraphine,"

"I need to go," I whispered, walking to the door

"Wait," Eric walked up to me "Don't tell this to anyone. If you do there will be chaos and a lot of people will die,"

"I can't believe this," I put a hand on my forehead, trying to ignore the awful headache that I was starting to feel

"I made a deal with Max. As long as I kept you in the dark about the alliance, you wouldn't have to take part in this... But now that you know, I can't protect you from it, so please be careful"

"I've never needed your protection anyway," I bitterly remarked, opening the door

"Thanks for telling me everything. Now all I have to worry about, is being able to sleep at night" I said and let out a sarcastic chuckle, turning my back at him and walking out the door

I wish I had stayed in Amity