A Million Voices [UsUk]

Liar

April 2018

Alfred was laying down on the couch, reading the fourth book from the Harry Potter series, not caring about many things that day. A lot of time had passed since October 16, and since December, when was the last time he had ever spoken to his ex best friend, Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Elizabeta and Mathias sometimes visited him, the Hungarian still having therapy sessions every once in a while.

But all in all, Alfred felt just... Fine. Somehow, he learnt to deal with the constant emptiness inside of him, and he knew very well there was nothing he could do about it.
Sometimes, he felt very dark. Those were the worst days in that period of time, and they were really difficult to deal with. Those were the days where Alfred could feel Arthur's full presence inside of him, all his emotions and all his pain.

But he never gave up on life. He knew the only way to keep living was to keep fighting, and never breaking down to the lowest point. Alfred never, ever thought about even holding a blade in his hand to hurt himself, because he knew that it wouldn't help him. It never helped Arthur, and the last thing he would do was make the same mistake as his lover did half a year ago.

Today was a different day. A very special one, to be exact.

It was April 23rd, Arthur Kirkland's birthday.

Alfred knew that very well, but he didn't let himself even think of it. Because he wanted to celebrate Arthur's 24th birthday together with the Brit, as his first birthday together with Alfred. But since that was never going to happen, Alfred refused to remind himself of the day again and again. He refused to check his phone, or look at the calendar.

Even though he knew.

It was around 1 PM when he just laid down and peacefully read the book, hoping that it would take his mind off the burden he carried on this exact date.
But whatever he did, it just rang somewhere in the back of his mind.

Come on, Alfred, you can think about something else. Focus on the book. Focus on the goddamn book.

Maybe I should do some paperwork. I skipped work anyway.

No. It doesn't work.

It just doesn't.

Even though April 23rd was Monday, the American decided to skip work. Personal reasons, he stated to Ivan Braginsky, but he got a nice lecture over the phone about he had been skipping work too much in the past six months.

He doesn't understand. Alfred comforted himself by the thought, wondering how he didn't get fired yet. But he was glad he didn't, because working at the accreditation always brought something important and interesting, for a good payment, despite the boss being an idiot.

Right. Maybe a cup of coffee will make me feel better.

And by those words, he placed the Harry Potter book on the small table next to the couch, getting slowly up with a small troubled groan. He walked over to the kitchen and took a cup of coffee that was already cooked, heating it up just a little in the span of two minutes.

Sipping the coffee made him feel more relaxed, just leaning against the kitchen counter and glazing through the window.
"I guess today won't be terrible after all."

Suddenly, the landline telephone started loudly ringing, scaring Alfred and almost making him jump to the side. "But of course someone will break the little peace I had."

"Hello?" He picked up the phone which stood on the kitchen counter.
"Hey, Alfred! It's Mathias. Uh, do ya wanna meet up at the pub? Liz and Gil are getting married in two weeks, and the date was announced today. We kinda want to celebrate." He heard the voice from the other side, making him inwardly groan. A celebration? As if.
"Sorry, Matt, I'll pass. Say congratulations to Liz, though."
"Oh, that's right, I forgot. Gil and you don't get along anymore." Mathias sighed.
"Yeah, no shit."
"Sorry for calling, I guess? Hopefully we can meet up a little later. Without Gilbert. If you wish."
"Tomorrow. I can't, today."
"Why not?" The Dane frowned.

Oh god, I kind of thought he knew what today meant for me.

"I-it's... Ah, never mind. I have to go. Bye." Alfred stuttered out quickly in an unsteady tone.
"Wai-"

But before Mathias could finish saying another word, Alfred hung up on the phone, placing it back down on the counter and resuming to sip his coffee once again.

He decided to turn on the radio before sitting down at the kitchen table and drinking, sip by sip, the rest of the half - warm coffee he lazily prepared in two minutes. "Music always helps to relax." He muttered under his breath to himself before sighing and staring through the window, deeply into the nothingness that was the outside.

The songs were all slow and boring, and he didn't quite pay attention to any of them. Until, a soft melody caught his hearing and he actually started... Fully listening to it.

The lyrics were very deep, but the song was so strange. He had no idea what in the world was in that melody to cause him to slightly tremble like that, but he did.

"I know that things are broken
And though there's too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken
Like the coward I am I hang my head"

It was like it reminded him of something. Too many words left unsaid. There were so many soft and sweet things he wanted to remind Arthur of, and tell him every day. But everything was just... Broken... Since the day he was gone. And today was supposed to be his day.

But it isn't.

"But please don't cry, you liar"

Alfred was the liar in his own eyes. He thought he would stay by Arthur at his worst moments, and promised it with his heart.
But he wasn't.

"And you lean in for your last kiss
Who in this world could ask me to resist
Your hands cold as they find my neck
Oh this love that I've found, I detest"

Their last kiss.

The memory was so bittersweet to Alfred, he almost didn't want to remember it because of how much it hurt.

Will I ever actually... Forget. Do I even want to?

Not even noticing, Alfred slowly started crying. Salty tears softly made their way down his pale cheeks, making them feel colder than they already were.

But maybe this is who I am now.

I don't want anyone else. I just want Arthur next to me, I want Arthur and just Arthur.

I want something I can never have again.

I want love.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A/N

I'm sorry, I just really really love putting my favourite songs in these. It makes me cry every time.

Song: Liar - Mumford & Sons
They are freaking amazing! Go listen to this song while reading this chapter. It kind of suits it.

Thanks for reading!