Cursed - Adopted By Yogscast

Birds

Jennifer drove me home. She barely said anything, but I knew that she wasn't mad at me. I think she was more torn between berating me and thanking me. I didn't speak a word throughout the drive. I had nothing to say.

Jennifer had to go back to work. I was left alone at home, so I took the chance to rearrange my room. I stared at my walls and wondered if they would look better in light grey instead, and I lay down on the floor, thinking about my old bedroom in Ivan's house, which has been demolished and is now being rebuilt for a new family. 

I thought about it for a long while with my eyes shut, thinking about nightmares and what they mean, and I thought about how it felt to live in that house, how I hated myself. I thought about all this with my eyes shut, I let every intrusive memory that haunted me at unwelcome moments flood my mind and I let it all wash over me, my head in the cold carpet. 

I let my heart open and let go of all the trauma and anger and self-loathing and depression and grief that I had repressed, and I let myself feel angry at how vividly I still remember it all.

When I opened them, my eyes were dry.

The doorbell rang, so I answered it. 

"Hey Aki." Jay said, her head turned to the side, hands in her pockets and her eyes cast elsewhere. I stood there, waiting for her to continue talking. She looked back up at me, but only with her eyes. "You still mad at me?"

"Yes." I said, stepping aside to let her in. "Couch."

We opened a bottle of rum together. I knew she was expecting me to say more, but I was not about to give her that satisfaction. I waited for her to speak again. And she did, after taking a swig.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly. "I mean- About ditching you. It's just- I haven't actually had a real conversation with Christopher since we were kids. I mean, we've always wanted to, but I guess life just got in the way. Lots of things got in the way." 

"I don't want to hear it." I said, bringing my feet up to the couch and hugging my knees to my chest. "You said that last week, I already know this. And you know why I was upset. I have object permanence issues, we know that."

"But I'm not leaving you."

"That's not how I saw it, and trust me, I get it. I know this is important to you, and I know Christopher's your friend, but the thing is, I need you too." I said, and Jay passed me the bottle. I took a long swig. Jay stared out the window for a long time, looking at the concrete jungle of more apartment buildings beyond. She looked down at the floor.

"I know." She said, swilling the rum in the bottle. "I'm sorry, Aki. I should have known better. I love you, I really do. I care about you so much, and I know I haven't been acting like I care. But I do, and I promise I will do better." 

She paused to take a breath, and then a swig. She slowly cupped my face, looking for permission to continue. I stared straight ahead into her eyes and she pressed her forehead to mine.

"I want to be something good for you, Aki."

I wrapped my arms around her, and we hugged each other as tightly as we could.

"I love you too." I said. "I'm sorry for yelling."

"No, it's ok. I had it coming."

"You did, huh." I sighed. She rolled her eyes and let go of me. There was a silent pause before she kissed me, hard. So hard that I fell over backwards into the couch. I put a hand on the back of her neck and my fingers laced through her hair and we kissed for so long we forgot we were ever mad at each other.

"Idiot." I grumbled once we parted. "Hey, your lipstick's still on."

"Used a stain. It's better for making out."