Cursed - Adopted By Yogscast

Better Together

He is lying on the couch in the living room. Nothing is playing, no audio book, or TV, or radio. Just silence.

The doctors said he could be home, but he would be on suicide watch and had to go to therapy. He had already missed one, and he's only been home for about a week. Nothing was happening, and maybe that was the problem.

"Hey, Dad?" I said, gently nudging Joakim, as if shaking him awake. He wasn't sleeping. But he stirred anyway. "I made you a sandwich, if you want it. Adam made the bread."

He made a vague noise, nodding. But no response.

"It's sourdough." I insisted. Joakim sat up.

"Thanks, Aki." He said, sounding tired. It's been a tough couple of weeks. Maybe that's why I was okay with him taking only a single bite from the sandwich. 

The silence returned. I don't particularly mind it, when it's just me and him in this little apartment. I never felt as if something was missing from it, even when I first came to live with him. It was tough to get used to, but maybe because I hadn't known anything more. I never knew silence could be comforting.

He is doing nothing, now, leaning against the backrest, staring at the ceiling. He closed his eyes, and exhaled loudly. I am compelled to walk away, I want to go back to different things, like homework, like playing with my pet snake, or calling Jay on the phone and talking until sundown. But for now, there is this. Just me, this dumb purple couch, and Joakim.

"I don't want you to think too much about this, Aki." He said, almost as if he was breathing out the words and speaking them with too little conviction. "Truly. I'll be alright, and I want you to know that I am going to be fine. I know you have so much to worry about already, and I don't think you need this right now."

"What do you mean 'this', Joakim?" I said, drawing circles with my palms like I was elaborating. "You're my Dad. I have to worry about you, you know."

"I know, I know. But really, I don't want you to think this was your fault, or anyone's fault. It's just me, just moments where I don't know how to hang on."

"But, Dad, we all have moments like that. I don't hang on because I wanna live, you know, I hang on because I don't want to die."

He sighed, and smiled at me.

"You're much stronger than anyone I know, Aki. When you first came home, I kept feeling like I'm the one who saved you or something. But that's not true, is it? You had to save yourself first."

"No, I think if you never brought me home, I would've died. Doesn't matter the means or the cause, but I think I really would have. Everything comes full circle, you know? Mum, Dad, Kenji, and me. I'm the only one left of that family. My last name meant Sky. We were all meant to fly. That's what the killer said, anyway."

"You're alive, Aki. That's what's important."

"I know, Dad." I said, hugging him tightly. My arms could barely reach around him, but I squeezed around his shoulders as tightly as I could. Because I knew he needed to hear it. Because we were all healing from something, anything, everything. "You're alive too, you know. No matter what, we're all still alive and here. Like you said, that's what's important."

He laughed. An empty sound, but it was something. Something enough.

"I just didn't want you to think I was a bad person, Aki."

"I don't."

"I know you don't. But it feels like a possibility. I mourned him. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named was so important to me, in my life, and I never even knew what he was capable of. Intrinsically, we were too close for me to pretend that his death wouldn't mean anything. And that may vilify me for life."

"No, Dad, you're human. Humans have emotions that are complicated and confusing and scary. That's why we have scientists for this kind of thing. If human emotion was simple enough to comprehend easily we wouldn't be trying so hard to study and understand it." I said, letting go. 

I put my legs up on the couch, hugging my knees a little closer. It was getting hard to express my thoughts and emotions, but the truth was weighing on my mind and I had to tell him. He deserved to know.

"Ivan was a friend you cared about, and you never knew what was happening to me and that's not your fault. He was too smart for that. Nobody else knew what was happening to me and I didn't and don't expect you to. Joakim, you were the kindest person in my life back then. You cared for me more than him. 

You actually talked to me. You called me by my name. I kept waiting for something terrible to happen, for you to hurt me or something, but you never did. You have no idea what you did for me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."

He's not responding anymore. But I know that he heard me. He put an arm around me, squeezing tightly. 

"Thanks, Aki." He said, in a whisper. "I just hope you know that, a lot of what you've gotten through alone? That's all you. All you needed was a chance."

"Thanks for giving me that, then." I said, smiling. I pointed to his sandwich. "Now can you eat your sandwich? I feel like I did a really good job with this one. There's feta cheese, there's cherry tomatoes, homemade sourdough..."

"Homemade?"

"Adam's started baking again. Jay was really excited about the fact that he was slowly getting comfortable with making a mess of the kitchen counter."

"Good on him." Joakim said, taking a slightly bigger bite out of the sandwich than he had first done. "It's pretty good, actually. I can't taste much right now, sadly. Ooh, is that ham?"

"Prosciutto, I thought you might like it."

"This is a very expensive sandwich."

"Yeah, but it's good."

"YouTube money isn't a lot, you know."

"Yeah, but it's good."

"Fair enough, Aki." He said, smiling. He put the sandwich down, and hugged me tightly. "Fair enough."