Cursed - Adopted By Yogscast

Walking Distance

(Written from Akiko's Point of View)

A/N Some information, so you know what was happening in my head as I wrote.

- Jennifer only returned to Sweden in October, and then Joakim attempted suicide.

- Akiko turned 18 while Joakim was still in the hospital. 

- A ton happens between Aki's return and this. I'd summarise it simply:

1. Jay catches up on news with Christopher, and the three become closer friends.

2. Ivan commits suicide in prison. 

3. Jay and Akiko have a fight over Christopher, as Jay had been focusing too much on Christopher and neglected Akiko. This influenced Akiko's mental health greatly, now realising what she needs in a relationship and learning to stand up for herself again. This fight is important in Akiko's recovery, and she is not currently on talking terms with Jay. However, a previous chapter states that Aki asked Jay to drive her to the hospital in a panic. This is not a plot hole, it will be addressed soon.

~ Alexander

I think that the space between the hospital room and school is too far. When I turned 18 I had expected Joakim to be there for the day I become an adult, but he was not. Jay took me out for dinner and we watched movies and played video games until the sun rose up and all of a sudden,  I was an adult that morning. Then Jay drove me to the hospital to see him, still unable to look me in the eye. I sat there and told him about how school was going. Jennifer talked about her travels and all that she saw and dealt with in the air, but he never said a word.

Jennifer had to take emergency leave. She was on reserve anyway, so it wasn't too hard to get the week off. 

"Aki, baby, you don't have to come every day. Don't you have school to deal with?" Jennifer asked, walking with me to the hospital cafeteria. It reeked of smoked salmon and overcooked chicken soup. I could almost taste the metal in my teeth when we dragged out the chairs, making obnoxious, echoing metal-against-tiled-floor noises.

"I'd deal with school when this shit blows over." I replied, shrugging. "I'm graduating next year. Who cares."

"You are going to be a really young college graduate, you know that?" 

She ordered us some chicken soup and we ate together, talking about anything other than suicide, begging to never run out of conversation, but we did. 

You know how there's always a pause before someone brings up a topic that nobody wanted to discuss? That pause was broken by me, reluctantly, because there were things that desperately needed to be said. Like the words had been knocking at my teeth like they were doors.

"You know, I did attempt suicide, once." I said. Jennifer barely reacted, but I knew she was surprised. "For different reasons from Joakim, though."

"I still don't really get why he did it. He seemed to be on an upswing, honestly. It seemed like he was finally getting to a place where he could be happy again."

"Suicide is kind of impulsive, sometimes." I said to no one in particular. "You go through a rough patch of mental illness, and just when you think you've made it, something happens that crushes your soul and all of the mental illness you just dealt with just comes crashing down on top of you. You develop and cultivate this 'Might as well' attitude as you pop pills without realising that it'd kill you. It's like being in a waking trance, when you feel like all the effort you put into recovering was wasted. "

"But he didn't have that part where something happened to crush him." She argued.

"No, I think it was news that Ivan died." I said, and Jennifer's head snapped to attention. 

"You weren't supposed to know that."

"I do. I ran into Jonathan at school the other day, he was trying to find me after Joakim barred him from delivering the news to our house. He's a good man. I'm glad that I know that Ivan died, even if it's not peace on my end, I do feel kinda bad."

"Aki, he did such horrible things to you. You have so many mental disorders because of him."

"I know. But I feel bad that he had to go that way. There are better ways to die, I think. Joakim probably felt the same, except Joakim knew Ivan as his good friend, you know? What Ivan did to me was brand-new information to him. So hearing that he's dead probably made Joakim feel at least a little bit sad."

"Grief alone doesn't warrant a suicide attempt, though."

"It can, you never know."

"Aki, Joakim hated him."

"He hated the Ivan who raped me. But he still cares deeply about the Ivan who played video games with him. It's a confusing state of mind to be in, and I think he felt bad about grieving. If grief didn't nearly kill Joakim, then it's the fault of guilt."

"I guess."

We finished our soups and went back to the hospital room without further discussion. Instead, we talked about our favourite movies and what being in a relationship was like. We spent a lot of that time talking.

When we entered, Joakim had his eyes closed, but he was not asleep. Jennifer and I sat beside him.

"Joey." She started, as softly as she could. Her voice carried like a freshly-plucked feather, floating through the wind like it had all the answers. 

"Yeah?" Came a broken croak.

"The doctors said you'd be discharged next week." She smiled. Joakim's head lolled off to the side, and he sighed.

"Leave me here." He murmured. "I don't want to go home."

"But-"

"Leave me here."

I stood up. 

"You're coming whether you like it or not, Joakim." I said, letting some anger seep through as Jennifer shot me warning eyes. "You are coming home."

"Aki-"

"I'm not leaving you here." I cut him off, boring holes into his eyes with my gaze and he shrank. "You could have left me in that hospital wing that day, Joakim. You could have let them take me to an orphanage and you could have never seen me again, you could have gone and let me die somewhere in an orphanage, because we both know I would have killed myself if you didn't adopt me. You gave me a home- No, you are my home. So I'm bringing you home with me, even if you refuse to come back."

There was a long, convoluted silence. It was loud and it rang out throughout the hospital wing and Jennifer was fidgeting nervously. Joakim looked away from me again. When he said it, I almost missed the whisper that escaped his lips.

"Okay."

-End-