Cursed - Adopted By Yogscast

The Sex Talk

"Hey, Aki?" Jay sat down on my bed, and patted beside it. I tried not to gulp as I sat down beside her. Her eyes said something similar to 'We need to talk' , and 'You fucked up and I'm going to gently tell you how'. But I sat down.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I was wondering, y'know." Her tone got softer as she seemed to choke on her words. "About, like, sex."

"... I'm sorry, what?" I recoiled from the word. I had been expecting anything other than the word sex. Between this and being in trouble, I'd rather be in trouble.

"Yeah, I was just wondering if you'd like to fuck."

"Jay- Um, I don't want to burst your bubble, but I honestly expected anything other than those words coming out of your mouth."

"Sorry, love. It's just, y'know, we've been dating for a while and... y'know."

I pursed my lips. Hesitation was beginning to get the better of me. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Do I want to? Do I not? I mean, I love her, she's amazing and beautiful and I know everything of her is beautiful. Everything will always be beautiful to me. But still, I hesitated. Why?

"Hey, Aki. Have you... Ever in your life, had a serious sex talk?"

"I've had the sex demonstration in my life, forcefully."

"Thanks Aki, that joke is really funny." Her gaze was fixed on me, completely free of humour. "Baby..."

I took in a deep breath. Here are my words, darling. I hope they're okay. I hope they're enough.

"I've never had the sex talk." I stumbled. "It's just. One of those sensitive topics, I guess. In school they talked about using protection or whatever, but I think back then I didn't listen. You know why."

Jay held my hand. "Hey if you don't want to talk about it, it's cool. Whatever's comfortable."

"Jay, I don't know how it works. Dick goes in vagina, that's literally all I know. I mean..." I gestured vaguely in her direction. "The last time I did anything relative to this, it was something else entirely."

"I know." She shrugged. "I'm more than happy to take things slow with you."

Jay flopped back on my bed, still holding my hand.

"What if I cry? I probably would, when you really think about it."

"Then we stop." Jay lay back on my bed. "I'll make sure you're okay, whether you want to continue or not. If you don't then, well, there's always next time." She smiled, looking at me from where the lay. 

"You'd stop?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Of course."

I lay down beside her. Instinctively, I closed my eyes.

"It didn't occur to me that sex wasn't a just some really shitty rollercoaster that you can't get off halfway." I admitted. "I haven't thought about it that much."

"To be fair, the goal is to get off at some point." She laughed, and I rolled my eyes. "But no, sex isn't a rollercoaster. It's a bit more like boxing. If one person didn't agree to it, the other one is committing a crime."

"Fun analogy, Jay."

"It's accurate. It's kind of scary the first few times too. But it does get better with time, believe me. And while we're at it- We don't have to worry about pregnancy!" She propped herself up on her elbow, and smiled at me. I smiled back at her.

"I think I'd pass on trying sex today."

"Cool, no pressure."

"Wow. It really can be that easy. I didn't think it would be that easy to say no."

"I have a left hand, babe."

"I didn't need to know that, Jetplane."

"Nah, I think you did." She laughed, but when she caught my eye she softened. "It's not that big of a deal to me, Aki. There's always next time."

I took a deep breath.

"What if I never want to?"

"Then we never do. That's okay, too."

"Wouldn't you rather find someone who wants to have sex with you?"

Jay grabbed my hand, and she squeezed it, hard.

"Aki, right now, I love you. I don't want anybody else, just you. I never want to force you to do anything you don't want to. That's just not fair to us."

I pushed my forehead to hers. The closing in and soft contact of this moment of intimacy was soothing to me. The topic weighed heavy, threatened to break something, everything important. Or at least, that's how it felt.

But Jay and I, we are still holding hands.

"I think I'd want to. Someday." I said, breathing the words as if I had been holding them forever. "Just not today. But I want to show you parts of me that are important to my past. I just... I need some... I don't know."

"Time." She finished for me, smiling, brushing my hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear. "I know. And I love you just like this. I never need you to be anyone or anything more than exactly who you are."

And I kissed her. Hard. Nothing else mattered more than her, in this moment.

-Lolidkwherethiswasgoing End-